Newsome flipping red states by making California a really crappy place to live
Gavin Newsome has had an eventful year. He was nearly fired from his job and replaced by a woman who used to be a man who used to be a reality television star who used to be a reality television star on another reality television show who used to be a track and field gold medalist Olympian who used to be a Wheaties box cover who occasionally hits people with his car who used to be the husband of the woman who is the widow of the attorney who helped O.J. Simpson escape conviction for murder. It sounds really weird saying that all out loud. Newsome was caught having a posh dinner in a posh restaurant with his posh friends. This violated his Draconian COVID austerity measures. Luckily, he had the valid excuse of just simply not wanting to follow his own mandates. And he’s spent much of his time in office helping the DNC ride the blue wave; a wave that includes grown Twitter tattletales who spend a large portion of their time—having not achieved professional or personal success themselves—taking jobs away from people who have achieved professional success but suffer from unacceptable opinions.
It’s brilliant, really. If California was a sovereign country (barf)—sorry I just barfed there, as denoted by the barfing onomatopoeia—it would boast the world’s fifth largest sovereign country GDP. It’s the largest state in the U.S.A. by population and can afford to trim some of the fat. Democrat presidential candidates can win it in the general election by winking, clicking their tongue twice, and doing the double finger gun gesture like some Wall Street douchebag the lovable loser is trying to win a girl from in a movie would do. Throw in Illinois and New York state due to gargantuan cities populated by people who apparently love tripping over and being jostled by other people, and the party of the common man can sit on the throne, having been elected by people living in places where it costs exactly one kidney’s worth to rent a broom closet for sixty minutes.
But wait! Not if the Electoral College has anything to say about it. An older, handsomer boy who actually knows what a boob feels like and is from a richer school district told me the College is outdated and was set up to keep slavery in place, and that conservatives whining about checks and balances on centralized and consolidated power just need to take their medicine and get over it. I don’t feel the need to fact-check him because why would I? He’s actually kissed a girl and told me he smoked one of his dad’s cigarettes that one time and his dad was cool and didn’t even make him smoke the whole pack when he found out. The last two racist, white supremacist, gross Republican (thricely redundant, we know) presidents have won the position despite losing the popular vote.
So what are the people who can’t abide the idea of those who’d like others to not poke around in their business and tell them what to think, how to behave, and have only a modest portion of their wages forcibly seized existing and walking around to do? You’d think moving to these southern and southwestern states would be the easy answer, right? I mean like, three families with horny parents could move to Wyoming and flip that place blue like we did in Georgia this last election. But there’s racists down there and we don’t want to step in that!
That’s where the brilliance of the DNC and Newsome’s plan abides. Democrats really are smarter than Republicans. They’ve decided they need to drive a very specific number of liberal rich people away from California. Not too many, though. There’s corporate taxation work to be done, folks. But if a few guys like Elon Musk go to Texas and take some unionized workers with them, we can turn Texas into a place that can, in fact, be messed with. When there’s a 10-1 ratio of noodle-armed liberals to tobacco-spitting conservatives, what are those hillbillies gonna do about it? We’ve got numerical superiority at that point. We will indeed mess with Texas, and we’ll mess like it’s 1999.
We’d say take some of our countless homeless, but without the homeless, we can’t fully justify increased taxes on the rich, some of which are leaving, yes, we don’t want to circle that block again. Without the homeless, we’d have nothing to offer those looking for the nostalgic experience of Depression-era shantytowns, just bubbling with the vibrant sounds and smells of rampant drug use and unreported rapes. We enlightened liberals know that the homeless need an unlimited amount of compassion and the suppression of the idea that they’ve done anything wrong or made any choices to land at that life station. That’s why we’ve given the homeless and indigent so many rights like:
The right to fertilize the ground wherever is convenient, be it your front porch, children’s treehouse, the backseat of an unlocked car, or on top of your dog’s leavings so as to assert dominance over the beast
The right to erect a tent in your yard, provided they’re on the terrace portion and less than ten feet from the road
The right to pop up and squat in the unoccupied spaces of your neighborhood, provided you don’t live in a gated and guarded community like those who make the lenient laws which give the homeless so many rights
The right to expect untaxed remuneration for squeegeeing your windows at a red light—whether or not you’ve refused the service—with water that looks like recycled Windex supplemented with soiled mattress sweat.
The right to steal the hearts and minds of college kids in the first throes of adopting Marxist ideologies who proceed to post memes on Facebook selflessly offering to be generous with your money
Making California unbearable for capitalist demagogues, families who like peace and quiet, families who appreciate modesty and decency over flinging one’s genitals about in pride parades, breeders who have the audacity to bring children into this miserable hell-scape instead of scraping clumps of cells from their birthing person cavities, people who want to keep the money they earn, and men who don’t know that because #timesup for Hollywood executives that #timesup for them even if they’ve never gotten handsy with a female coworker, we can flip the whole country blue and make it governmentally sanctioned (and morally right by extension) to be all up in your neighbor’s business, pocketbook, and personal affairs, no matter how law-abiding and reserved a life they’d like to live. Soon everyone can get up in everyone else’s grill and have the full force of official government sanction in the doing. (Sniff) Makes me cry a little; thinking about what’s on the horizon for us.
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Image taken from:
https://www.ocregister.com/2021/10/08/newsom-playing-games-with-vaccines/