Contact our public relations firm in the event of your canceling
HI there! This is Bluetooth In-the-Ear Douchebaggerston (that’s my given name; I’m of Danish descent) and I want to tell you about a little service we offer clients and potential clients who are or will in the very near future be freefalling their way down social ladder, never to be seen or heard from again, save birthday greetings on Cameo and depressing county fair performances.
We’re a different kind of public relations firm because we deal solely in the latest insane iteration of this country’s already pretty insane history; canceling. If you answer “yes” to one or more of the following questions, you’re a prime candidate for our services.
Are you trending on Twitter?
Are hashtags speaking down on your name right at this moment?
Do you have not-so-chill opinions out of alignment with mainstream secular humanism and its ever-changing sliding scale of morality?
Have you ever spoken favorably about Donald Trump, anyone in/anything about his administration, anyone he’s ever spoken to, befriended, had a business relationship with, or passed in the street?
Have you ever argued with activists at your concert when you should have just shut your stupid mouth and played your stupid music?
Has anyone ever tweeted at you “You’re on the wrong side of history, bruh/brah/bro”?
Is the celebrity life all you’ve known because your parents schlepped you to Mickey Mouse Club and wacky kids-take-over-adult-areas-of-society movie auditions in lieu of making you focus on your studies, loving you for you, and living their own lives without the Vicarious Living Monster making an appearance or eight?
Have you ever come to the defense of someone who’s in the midst of being canceled? (Best to let sleeping dogs lie, I always say)
Are you sorely lacking in basic discernible job market skills and fiscal responsibility that would allow you a comfortable post-canceling life?
Did you go on a popular daytime talk or morning radio show apologize to the cancel Twitter mob after you got your canceling? (p.s. DON’T DO THIS without our services. It never works. A pound of flesh is never just a pound.)
Do people in comment threads gratuitously use any of the following when referring to you: sweetheart, sweetie, hunny, bless your heart?
Did you make a joke about a hot-button issue, get mistaken by trolls who take themselves far too seriously, point out it was a joke, explain the joke, and say you’re sorry for the joke in the course of a news day?
Have people who you didn’t hurt but did offend made it their lot in life to remove your job and livelihood and give their conscience ethical permission to do so by calling it “Consequence Culture”?
Have you ever swiped right for the GOP, then foolishly made that information public on social media or Fox News?
Have you ever been a little too aggressive in speaking your truth?
Have you been labeled a Nazi in the last ten minutes?
Have you labeled someone in the Victim Pyramid a Nazi in the last ten minutes? (this one is a doozy of a social transgression and requires our emergency packet)
Have you called someone a fascist on and it not be one of the people CNN and their disciples have approbated as fascist?
Are you at all affiliated with the Christian faith?
Are you a comedian and you’ve spent too much time writing and performing jokes in lieu of coaxing applause for your brave message?
Have you ever criticized ANTIFA while not giving equal-time criticism to the Proud Boys?
Has someone ever accused you of being intolerant for saying reality is immutable and objective?
Have you ever publicly supported the police?
Did you forget to put your pronouns on any of your social media bios?
Have you refused to self-censor your writing and artistic output and not landed a lucrative deal as a result?
This list of questions will be updated as new forms and reasons for canceling arise and fall into mainstream usage. Trust me, we’ve got our finger on the pulse of society and can adapt to new developments quickly. That’s something the other guys promise, but we fulfill.
Fill out the following letter, pay our reasonable retainer fee, and we’ll get you on your way back to being a celebrity of equal or one tier lesser status than what you were before, money back guarantee (minus 15% administrative/shipping/handling fees)
To Whom it May Concern:
I am a (choose one)___Straight, white male ___White woman of the Karen variety ___Straight, white Christian male (we’re not sure even we can help you on this one but we’ll do our best)____Police officer ____Aspiring Politician ____Black/white male comedian who has been found guilty in the court of public opinion and labeled one or more of the following:
____Racist (excluding any negative interaction as pertains to Kanye West, Candace Owen, Ben Carson, Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell, Hodgetwins, Dave Chappelle or any future African-American victims of GOP Stockholm Syndrome)
____Transphobic
____Homophobic (excluding any negative interaction as pertains to Ellen DeGeneres)
____Islamophic
____Alt-right troll
____Gun nut
____Misogynist
____Supporter/practitioner of capitalism
____Non-supporter of the 1619 Project
____Not haven gotten your jokes or screenplay approved via the appropriate SJW channels
And would like to explore and possibly retain the services of the Tacky Golf and Tennis Apparel-Wearing Public Relations Firm (TGTAWPRF for short) for restoration of my reputation, platform, basic human dignity, 1st Amendment protected free speech, and means to acquire and maintain gainful employment.
Signed ______________________ (the cancelled)
We’re not here to judge. We take no stances on anything whatsoever so that we may remain neutral in the current cultural wars, having recognized the monetary potential for such an endeavor. That means we’re here for you! The first amendment is basically Zero Calorie First Amendment Cola at this point, we realize that. That doesn’t mean you can’t do the work, return to the spotlight, then live a long, meaningless public life full of vanilla opinions, lukewarm takes, and canceling others who do the same thing you did from here on out. Give us a call!
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://nypost.com/article/what-is-cancel-culture-breaking-down-the-toxic-online-trend/