(Satire) Tokyo subway attacker did his part by masking up
We’re all in this together. All means all all of the time and that’s all it means. So when I say “all”, that includes knife-wielding would-be murderers hanging out on Japanese subways and occasionally lighting them on fire. He’s in this together with us. Earth is the only home we’ve got. If you’re not with us, you’re against us. This is the new normal. (insert additional obnoxious platitudes). Our leaders are here to help but if you’re happy dying you go do that over there…away from me. You don’t deserve to attend concerts, maintain a job, or buy food unless you can present your vaccine papers. Stop being so selfish, fascist. This guy wore a Covid mask as he was going all John Wayne on some unsuspecting commuters.
Just you try and out-cool him in this photo. The attempt to be cool alone will disqualify you.
I’m just gonna go ahead and say it. I respect this guy. Not only do I respect him, I respect him more than every Kroger Karen and Chipotle Chad who’s gotten in an argument with lowly paid workers enforcing mask mandates. I’ll say it loudly and clearly for the people who could only afford seats in the nosebleed section. Executive. Order-Mask. Mandates. Are. The. Law. I’m not even mad at him for enjoying a post-homicidal rampage cigarette in an indoor, poorly ventilated subway car. Feel like he’s earned it at this point. At least he wasn’t vaping. Vapers look like complete tools when they vape. And when they don’t vape.
Yeah, yeah. This guy got super stabby on a subway train. Blah, blah, blah. I’m not worried about all that and would remind you to keep it in the realm of “allegedly” until he’s proven guilty. At least he’s socially conscious. Yeah, yeah, he sprayed some sort of flammable liquid around and lit it on fire. Yawn. What else you got? At least he’s doing his part to end this pandemic. Would you trade your grandmother’s life for your great grandchildren only having a few “precious freedoms”? Notice how I put that last part in quotation marks so as to imply sarcasm? Chew on that sarcasm, punk. Chew hard. Then mask up, get your shot, and maybe knit some wool sweaters for a penguin’s brood or something, for Chrissakes. I’ve left forty-three polar bears in my will and regularly spend my time emotionally reassuring panthers when they don’t feel pretty trying on new clothes or are insecure about their penmanship. I always hug an Inuit (whether or not they invited the hug) and have spent more than a few days singing the sultry songs of Barry White to spotted owls who have a hard time getting in the mood. Your move, capitalist swine.
You’ll permit me to move this from condescending social critique to those two most sacred of fact-based-truth-first journalistic practices; wild speculation and political spin.
I’ll bet (even hope) everyone he stabbed and doused with gasoline was a Republican. It’s more than a little likely a socially conscious attacker like himself coated his knife blade with the vaccine, hence the fact that not one person died. That means this was a surgical strike, not a massacre. In that case, you’re welcome for that life-saving knife wound, stupid anti-vaxxer. Make sure you learn your lesson and get the eighteen supplemental boosters before I have to take your health into my own hands and chuck a Molotov Penicillin Cocktail through your bay window. After all, something’s got to be done about these Ivermectin junkies overdosing on horse tranquilizer.
I’ll bet he was making a point in the only way he knows how. You gonna silence his voice just because his voice comes in the form of felonious assault and pyromania? I thought you liked freedom of speech. This was obviously a desperate cry for help from a person suffering mental anguish after losing his job and friends. What’s he supposed to have done, grow up, cope with it, get another job and improve his social skills? Don’t be obtuse. I wouldn’t be surprised if gender dysphoria and workplace discrimination weren’t part of the equation. Imma just go ahead and throw those into the mix and say they definitely were because every tossed salad needs dressing for flavor. I won’t even address the fact that this attack smacked of a would-be copycat killer mimicking a scene from The Joker. It’s 2021 and you’d think we’d have learned by now that movies are in desperate need of bureaucratic censorship because other people’s kids need protection from dangerous art. The fluid definition of “dangerous” being entirely up those who know what’s best for other people’s kids, of course.
I’ll bet he was making a statement on the evil of guns by showing that it’s possible to kill large numbers of people with other deadly weapons…I’ve just disproved my own statement so strike the previous sentence from the record. I’m too tired to hold down the backspace button for a moment and stream of consciousness writing is the way to be.
I’ll bet this is America’s fault in some roundabout way. I know this happened in Japan but I’m gonna go ahead and assume he was educated by the systemically racist American education system and suffered internalized racism because it’s been about five minutes since I said “The. System. Is. Broken”. The. System. Is. Broken. (man, that feels good) See, if we’d have defunded the police and assigned every citizen a meddling social worker, someone could have divined his lack of mental health, predicted the attack, and alerted the proper authorities before an assault ever even happened. Ergo, our racist, fascist, murderous police force need never be involved. Nice seeing to the holistic and mental health needs of an oppressed minority, you stupid, gross, fat, white people! This one’s on you, not him. It would be weird and racist to judge him as an individual. He’s part of an oppressed minority group…not so much in his home country, but were he to come here, he would be. Were he to come here, I’d welcome a subway stabbing/burning were I dumb enough to not wear my mask or get the jab. And that’s what really matters; making this about me and the hell that is Amerikkka, no matter how loose the logical connection.
I’d say we owe this guy a big ol’ thank you. Unless you’re a straight, white male whose genitals get all chubby at the thought of unchecked capitalism and oppressing brown folks. You owe him an apology first. Then a thank you. Then kill yourself (dealer’s choice on the how).
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Image taken from:
https://www.independent.co.uk/asia/japan/tokyo-subway-train-joker-attack-b1948860.html