Trump denies he's a cult leader; his loyal and devoted disciples agree
Fresh off sending leftists into their customary afternoon outrage frenzy by just, like…existing and having returned a gold-plated helicopter to the vendor due to it having too much gaudiness instead of just the right amount of gaudiness, Donald Trump granted Thirsty for Clicks our first fake interview with him. This was quite an honor for us; making up a Q & A session that never happened for the purpose of having a laugh.
I don’t know why people call themselves fans of politicians. Do they hang posters of Pelosi next to their Cindy Crawford Sports Illustrated swimsuit centerfold? I’m a fan of people who make excellent art or do amazing things with their bodies.
I’m a fan of Dave Chappelle. I’m a fan of The Coen Brothers. I’m a fan of Kobe Bryant. I’m a fan of Salma Hayek (she holds the distinction of being my longest-standing teenage crush). I’m a fan of J.R.R. Tolkien. I’m a fan of Da Vinci. I’m a fan of Tom Brady (he holds the distinction of my longest-standing man crush). I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of a politician unless they had a sports or entertainment career before relocating to The Swamp. I’m not sure the very nature of their position and work lends itself to fandom. But then along came a Donald Trump and obliterated the paradigm. Now bad boys, rock stars, avant-garde provocateurs, fringe-of-society artists, the abjectly poor-mannered, and fellow billionaires who spend time in their private jets pondering how they can reconnect with the common man can also dream of wielding immense political power by being elected instead of the traditional route of bribing those who are elected. They have one man to thank:
He of the stream-of-consciousness Tweeting, he of the unnecessary and superfluous feuding, he of the opinion that is never withheld, he of the atomic combover, he of the capricious firings so that someone who makes it a whole week ends up being his most senior staff member, he of the sound bytes even people who don’t think he’s racist must admit are headscratchers if they’re being intellectually honest, he of the perplexing fact that he’s not all that handsome when scowling but is kind of handsome when he’s smiling, he of the will-he-won’t-he (but definitely will) pull a Grover Cleveland and run for a second non-consecutive term, he of the scandalous lothario sexual history but who found the love of his life—albeit in a former model many years his junior one wonders if she’d be interested were he not worth piles of money—and will put up with her at least until he finds another love of his life, sat down with us to answer a few questions of the pandering and fanboy variety.
Thirsty for Clicks: Mr. President (shaking hands) it’s a pleasure.
The Donald: Pleasure’s all mine, believe me. What a tremendous operation you’ve got here. One of the best. Really, I mean that. One of thee best. I really love your publication. Nothing but wonderful things to say about it. That is, so long as you’ve never badmouthed me. Just kidding. But not really. It’s an honor. Are you enjoying yourselves? Can I have one of these folks get you something? They’re paid to dote on my every whim and laugh at my jokes. Just kidding. But not really. I don’t drink alcohol but I would imagine you know that about me but also they can get you something of the adult beverage variety if you’d like.
Thirsty for Clicks: Hey! Shut up for a second and answer our first question if you don’t mind. There are some on the left who have called you a cult leader. How would you respond to that?
The Donald: Well that’s just ridiculous. I’m the farthest thing from being a cult leader. What does that even mean? Cult leader? What a funny thing to say. I’m just a great guy who has great ideas and is surrounded by great people. Really good people. I mean, you know, the best. We’ve got the best people in the world around us with the best work ethic and of the most pristine character. I can’t thank them enough for their efforts. I’d really stop right there but really thing I’ve not rambled enough so I’m going to do some more. No, I’m not a cult leader! Those are really creepy guys, you know, really bad hombres, if you don’t mind me quoting myself and I’m sure you don’t. What was the question again? I’m definitely not a racist. I don’t have a racist bone in my body. I’m the least racist person you’ll ever meet. The blacks I pay to be in my circle of friends could attest to that. Definitely not a cult leader. No one’s drinking my Kool-Aid. I don’t even know how to make Kool-Aid…
It went on like that for a bit. We had other questions but will spare you for the sake of brevity. We knew the right-wing backlash to this article would be swift and painful so instead of publishing and waiting for the angry responses, we asked Trump supporters in various places if he’s a cult leader and have provided their responses below:
“How dare you suggest that! He was well on his way to making America great again and then Creepy Sleepy Sheepy Joe came along with his wandering hands and stole the election. Now they’re talking about mandates for a vaccine that doesn’t have a synthetic derivative of Donald’s blood!?!? Might as well go up against a vampire with bronze bullets. I mean (scoffs in disbelief), am I right, or am I right? Cult leader indeed. The very notion is laughable. Now you’ll excuse me. I’ve got a serious internal medical malady and have spent the last few weeks outside his building in hopes of touching the hem of his coat and I’ve really got to be getting back to that, please and thank you.”-some lady with a MAGA hat camped outside Trump Tower.
“WTH r u talkin bout? R u even serious RN? GTFOH. He aint a cult leader and never wuz. he’s legit the saver of USA. i sent him a pic of my son and asked for his blessing and my son was heeled of his cancer after an intense round of chemo and radiation. REAL cult leaders dont have that kind of REAL power. So STFU with that noise! Dont let me find u or ur face might run into my fists a hole bunch..”-a guy with atrocious spelling and grammar skills who answered our Twitter poll by sliding into our DM’s like so many adorable penguins joyously sliding down the side of a glacier.
“(stares in a blank manner suggesting his consciousness is far away in a mystical place)”-that weird Viking Shaman guy from January 6th, in jail, currently awaiting sentencing, enjoying a picky vegan’s diet provided via taxpayer dollars, and still not comprehending why he’s subject to penal consequences.
“Have you heard about the exciting world of cryptocurrency?”-Like, a million different dudes who went to high school with us but ran in different circles.
“Were I to speak in a derogatory or critical manner of Trump, I’d forfeit any chance of having further exclusive interviews and he’d go on other pundit-based shows that aren’t my show and we can’t be having that, now can we? Plus, the chip in my brain implanted to keep me in line would send a lethal dose of neurotoxin straight to my pituitary gland.”-Sean Hannity. He glitched and froze. We slowly backed out of the room, making sure to maintain eye contact on this one.
“Them’s fightin’ words. We’d hate to come to your hometown as counter protestors to whatever ruckus BLM is causing and shoot you in preemptive self-defense. All would be done in the service of Lord Donald Trump III, praise be his name and exalted above all others.”-A representative of The Proud Boys. This one scared us in a very real kind of way so we’re going to cut this whole debacle short.
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Image taken from:
https://www.gq.com/story/does-donald-trump-wear-dentures-an-investigation