POTUS consulting with mobsters on strongarm tactics for COVID vaccine
Biden’s vaccine mandate for private companies of one hundred or more employees has died once, been resurrected, and then died a second time in the courts. Yes, it still has a few more rounds to go. After the supreme court, it has to go through the judges of The Masked Singer, get past Simon Cowell and his Knights of the Roundtable, probably take a verbal tongue lashing from Gordon Ramsey (but that guy is all bark), and its validity be weighed by Arishem the Judge from Marvel’s Eternals, a movie which we here at Thirsty for Clicks really wish was a bigger hit so that joke could have stuck a better landing.
Problem is, 100% of the people polled in the poll results I made up for the sake of this joke piece see Biden as effeminate, wispy-voiced, weak, ineffective, and impotent. I know Trump had his personality problems but at least you knew he wasn’t going to be pushed around. He was going to shout, scream, Tweet, yell, repeat, Tweet, and screech his belief on the matter before you’d even bothered to ask.
By comparison, Joe seems like he’s always in don’t-frighten-or-make-sudden-moves-around-me-before-I’ve-had-my-coffee mode. Seems like his kids called him by his first name their whole lives and he shrugged it off as them speaking their truth and exercising their agency. Seems like he’s the kid whose older brother and daddy got tired of sticking up for him and told him to start taking care of his own bullying problems and he went back to the playground the next day and chose fetal position defense to protect his face and vital organs as his main mode of combat.
Fauci to the rescue, once again. If movies are to be believed—and I think you know they are—all Italians with New York wise guy accents are connected to the mob. I’d be surprised if Dr. A wasn’t in third grade but beating up snitches at a ninth grade level. He would have reached out to the Bloods and Crips but that would entail interacting with black people and we all know how our president feels about them. So in a favor-asking move that’ll definitely not work out for Biden in the long run, he asked Fauci to set up a meeting with a powerful mafia Don. He was allowed to bring a pen and paper for taking notes but the meet was not allowed to be recorded. Biden and his team were frisked for wires in a display that was actually quite funny to watch because his Secret Service guards are all quite ticklish.
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky (He’s mostly Italian but proud of his partial Irish and Polish descent so he had his last name changed to incorporate some surname stereotypes): If you’ve got a problem that has no solution, you make the American people an offer they can’t refuse. I’m sorry, is he awake?
Biden: (coming to) What’s that? I was definitely listening but why don’t you repeat it for the sake of all my guys.
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky: If they want to go to their places of work every day and not take the shot like good little bambinos, simply burn down their place of work. That’ll teach them some manners and respect for your wildly unconstitutional and irrational schemes.
Biden: I can actually do that?!?!
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky: Not you per se, but someone connected to you closely enough for the good people to know it came from you but not close enough that you can’t fire him in disgrace or dump his body in the East River. You know, whatever mood you’re in that day.
Biden: But why do I have to go to such lengths? Can’t I just make executive order after executive order and then count on the pundits to hammer home the lie that executive orders are law?
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky: The people don’t take you seriously. I don’t take you seriously. See that, I’m flicking your eyeball right now and you’re sitting there, just taking it.
Biden: Touché.
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky: Plus, there are enough educated folks out there who understand that you can say it all you want, but executive orders do not a law make.
Biden: No, I get it. That was just the first of many tools in my toolbox, but please give me more just in case I’m lying about having more tools in my toolbox.
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky: There’s the standard ones I’ll run down in no particular order. Protection money so your guys don’t flip over tables when your business is full of patrons to send a stern message, sending prostitutes as a bribe, sending really muscly prostitutes who will flip over tables when you want to send mixed messages, whacking a guy when he’s in the shower, whacking a guy when you’ve tricked him going out on the lake in your fishing boat, whacking a guy when he’s going through a tollbooth/waystation, whacking a guy when you’ve invited him to check out your cool new dumpsters so as to make disposal of his body all that much more convenient, whacking a guy when he comes to put his blessing on your new rug store and finds himself wrapped up in the merchandise afterwards, whacking a guy who’s just whacked a guy for the two-for effect, whacking a guy who’s cheesed you off and talked down on your ma’s cooking at the dinner table, whacking a guy when…you get the point.
Biden: I can’t just whack the American people. I mean, I did kind of threaten them in a tacit manner when I said they shouldn’t argue for the right to bear arms from the standpoint that the government has so much more firepower than them. Man, gun sales took a real jump that week. But still, that’s a lot of people to whack. You think I can do that many whackings and make all the whackings look like accidents? I mean, I’m not on Bill and Hillary’s level over here with the whackings.
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky: Stop saying whackings! If the disobedience of a free people really begins to stick in your craw, never underestimate the effectiveness of lapsed grammar standards and sentence construction. We Italians use it all the time. We still can’t figure out why it works but respect the process and accept the fact that it does. Try it out.
Biden: Why, what ever do you mean?
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky: (sighs in a frustrated manner) I’ll get you going. Whatchu mean? Yous twos guys want I should smack yous upsides da head, huh?
Biden: (cowering in fear) Please don’t hurt me, Mr. bad grammar man!!!!
Don Giovannamecciocavanaughchipolsky: That was just a for instance. You can come out from under the coffee table. (to his right-hand man) Dis guy’s got a mess ‘o work cut out for hisself. Yous guys ova dere, crack your knuckles in an intimating manner so we can adjourn dis meeting and have some cannoli, pasta, antipasto, and other Italian clichés. (Legs, Rocko, Noodles, Johnny the Face, Nicky the Psycho, and Nacky the Wacko all do as instructed)
Biden: (screams like a girl then beats a hasty retreat with a hilarious and foppish manner of running)
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Image taken from:
https://www.businessinsider.com/biden-asked-fauci-chief-medical-advisor-will-take-vaccine-safe-2020-12