I’ll get right into it because traditionally accepted rules of essays that require introductions are white supremacy. If you disagree, I’ll shout you down and threaten your kids and demand you lose your job and throw bricks through your front windows because your contrarian opinions equal violence. I’ve got a few cancellations beyond Tom Brady I’d like to do but he’s the biggest meatless fish substitute on this glamping trip and likely to get me my precious, precious clicks (a warm, intoxicating feeling tinges my nether regions with lots of clicks), so I’ll start off with him. Here are the reasons in the order they sprang into my head.

• He’s got seven rings now. He couldn’t stop at one and then help the less privileged after that? Way to not give your job to a woman of color, you bastard.

• Communism being the best and most perfect form of government for obvious reasons we all know and can agree on, he’s refusing to distribute his rings equally amongst those who don’t want to work as hard as he does. Typical American capitalist cis-gendered swine.

• Anyone who continually excels at their job clearly has something to prove, and it’s not that they can excel at their job, it’s that they lack size and force in the phallic department. That’s just science, people! Or do you not believe in science? Do your research.

• He’s part of a player’s union. Unionized labor is all about not setting yourself above your comra…union brothers and sisters. By continuing to win, he’s painting a target on his back for assassin…reprimanding by the maf…committee men.

• Every time he throws a touchdown pass to Rob Gronkowski, he’s depriving a more deserving black receiver of their incentive bonus, thereby depriving them of more expensive cars, clothes, houses, and bling. Way to promulgate systemic oppression, colonizer!

• Gronkowski is Polish name. Polish people are white, and the contrived history of the world that exists in my head proves that nothing bad has ever happened to white people.

• He plays for a team that shoots a cannon off with each touchdown scored. Guns are evil and they kill people and anyone who owns them is evil and kills people.

• He rented (I know, because I think he did, and that’s enough) part of his house to Antonio Brown. He’s living on stolen land. That’s mighty presumptuous to charge money for an oppressed person to occupy the land you stole. He should have given his house to AB, moved to the land of his forefathers (Nazi Germany, one can reasonably assume) and commuted to work.

• He gives some of his money to charities, but they aren’t the causes I care about. When can we talk about the fact that we are in a post-autonomous age?

  • White people can have their first amendment (Goddess knows they talk about it enough) and all that stuff but they need to understand they aren’t allowed to have their own opinions, passions, say what they want, or distribute their money as they so choose. All white wealth was built on the backs of slaves and is thereby forfeit.

• He just gives off an energy and a vibe that really irks me. If I cared to look up his sign, I’m sure it’d be one I don’t $*@^ with.

• He reminds me of Ted McGinley in Revenge of the Nerds. I don’t trust handsome, athletic white guys who have a vague resemblance to handsome, athletic white guy villains from movies.

• He smiles often. What has he got to be happy about? Were anyone given the choice of their skin color before birth, not a one would choose the genetically deficient sludge of whiteness. When he smiles, I see the insidious smile of white oppressors and mass murderers that have plagued the world in an unbroken line from Christopher Columbus to Nick Sandmann.

• He had a MAGA hat in his locker once. He’s guilty by even the slightest of associations with Trump. That means he supports racism, genocide, white supremacy, nuclear warfare, regicide, fratricide, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez-icide, transphobia, Islamophobia, homophobia, people who foolishly (and don’t believe in science) call abortion infanticide…I mean, the list is continually growing. See the blogs of the people I’ve liked on Facebook to see an exhaustive list of what Donald Trump and his cult members support.

  • He’s had four years to use his platform to denounce Donald Trump. His refusal to talk about this when reporters ask him about football is ever so sus. Why else be a public persona if not to use your platform to say things that other people with a platform say and which reassure and vindicate me and my views when I hear them come from the mouths of people I worship? White privilege at its finest.

• He had a negative interaction with Tyrann Mathieu. Anyone with a brain who believes in science knows that any negative interaction between a white male and a black person involves racism 100% of the time without fail.

  • Mathieu knows that if he reveals that Tom called him the n-word, he’d be cancelled by conservatives, fired by the NFL, and probably murdered by alt-right Nazis (or we can just call them “conservatives” from now on).

• He uses his Twitter and post-game interviews to talk about football, not the things I want him to talk about.

  • It’s 2021, people. Why are we still allowing less than half the population to think what they want?

• White, straight male. He either is or has harbored a domestic terrorist Christian mass shooter.

Who else is canceled?

You, if you rolled your eyes at all while reading this or have the gumption to disagree with me. Twitter battle me over it. I’ve got nothing but time since the Tim Horton’s which exploits me for substandard wages (I can’t afford the unlimited data plan, so one time I reached my limit in the middle of leaving a *#&@@y comment on a Twitter thread and had to rush into a Starbucks to get Wifi before I lost my train of thought, I can’t even right now, you guys) got shut down by Gavin Newsome.

Buy my book (link below) and smash that like button like you were smashing a founding father in his pantaloons with the business end of your non-gun weapon of violence.

https://www.amazon.com/Ill-Fix-America-Tonight-weekend/dp/1977222730/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=I%27ll+Fix+america+tonight+%28well%2C+at+least+by+the+weekend%29&qid=1613152440&sr=8-1

Nathan Andrew Roberts writes things, so he’s able to use his middle name on his original works and referring to himself in the third person.

As a minor refresher, follow these five steps every time someone gets cancelled, and we will one day have a society reformed in our image, one in which everyone will be free to live in constant fear of reprisal for their unacceptable opinions.

1. Tweet whatever they said/did and accuse them of racism, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, all four, or any contrived form of intolerance that is trending that week.

2. Demand their immediate resignation, removal from office, or firing from whatever film/television project they are currently attached to. If they are from an artistic property already released, demand the studio edit them out, release said property, and argue with conservatives on comment threads about how this isn’t at all Orwellian, (the deeper the hair splitting and rhetorical semantics, the better).

   1. Wish horrible things upon them and their children for their offense.

      1. The most creative 2.1 gets a weekly bonus of an extra avocado ration.

3. Direct message their home address and phone number to all of your followers.

4. Publicly rationalize any property damage ANTIFA causes in the process. Phrases like “insured anyway”, “stolen land”, and “ideology, not an organization” are good go-to’s.

5. Dox anyone on this mailing list you see not going at #1-4 hard enough.