Thirsty for Clicks is always on the hunt for the truth. If the truth fails us, then something outlandish and sensational will do (hence our publication name). We have long suspected the existence of a private group chat where democrat leadership meets once or twice a day to discuss their insidious plan to relentlessly harry the souls of people who suffer from the obnoxious desire to just be left alone.

Most democrat leaders being living evidence of synthetic longevity treatments, we were easily able to hack into a few accounts, many of their passwords being “password”, or “password1234”. Here’s what we captured before we got made and had to skedaddle like a cartoon gumshoe with a cool hat and cloak tiptoeing through the shadows with that quick, high-pitched tink, tink sound effect we all know and love from classic cartoons.

PresidentJoeBiden: Welcome to the meeting, one and all.

DianneFeinstein: Happy Friday!

NancyPelosi: It’s Tuesday, sweetie.

DianneFeinstein: I’ll have corn as my side dish, please.

SchumDawgYOLO: It’s too early for your particular brand of senile, Dianne.

PresidentJoeBiden: Chuck, we already talked about using our normal names in this room.

SchumDawgYOLO: You don’t.

PresidentJoeBiden: That’s right, I don’t. It’s my title, not my YouTube comment thread username. Don’t make me put my foot down. You know I don’t like doing that without Kamala’s permission.

KamJamSlam: You’ve got my permission, hun (pats Joe on the head).

PresidentJoeBiden: Don’t type out that you’re patting me on the head. It’s emasculating.

KamJamSlam: I already told you that it isn’t.

PresidentJoeBiden: Yes’m.

SchumDawgYOLO: How come she gets to have a cool name and I don’t?

PresidentJoeBiden: She’s a woman of color and you’re…well…you.

ChuckSchumer: Fair enough.

AlexandriaOcasio-Cortez: Why do you always do this? It’s like a new one every day.

ChuckSchumer: Just trying to show the people that light-skinned n#&&@s can keep it poppin’.

KamJamSlam: YOU CAN’T SAY THAT, even if you use the nonsense symbols from the top row of the keyboard!!!!!!!

ChuckSchumer: What are black people gonna do, stop voting for us?

AlexandriaOcasio-Cortez: HAHAHAHAHAHA

PresidentJoeBiden: HAHAHAHAHAHA

NancyPelosi: HAHAHAHAHAHA

DianneFeinstein: WAWAWAWAW…whoops, I mean HAHAHAHAHAHA

KamJamSlam: (sigh) True enough. But seriously, you guys, we’re really taking that for granted and walking a fine edge. I think we need to-

DianneFeinstein: Hey did you guys see me in the Nightstalker documentary?

KamJamSlam: Did you just interrupt me? How can you even do that in a chat room?

DianneFeinstein: Someone said I don’t come off looking good in it. They said I helped that guy do more murders.

KamJamSlam: You kinda did.

DianneFeinstein: Yeah but did you see that cute blouse I was wearing?

KamJamSlam: We’re getting off topic here.

PresidentJoeBiden: Don’t engage her. She should go back to sleep soon.

KamJamSlam: Chuck, we can’t be talking like that anymore. Our constituency is starting to learn the ugly history of our party. The rules have changed.

ChuckSchumer: For conservatives, maybe, not for liberals. (cough, cough, Justin Trudeau, Ralph Northam, cough, blackface, cough).

KamJamSlam: (annoyed sigh) I guess you’re right, again.

AlexandriaOcasio-Cortez: What about just being a decent person and not treating black people as a monolith?

ChuckSchumer: What about sitting in the corner until you’re called, rookie? And shorten your screen name while you’re at it.

AlexandriaOcasio-Cortez: Joe?

PresidentJoeBiden: Kam?

KamJamSlam: I’ll allow it.

AOC: Sure thing.

NancyPelosi: Hey I haven’t talked in while.

DianneFeinstein: So say something, crazy.

ChuckSchumer: SNAP! And that was Dianne who said that!

NancyPelosi: Donald Trump still haunts my dreams.

PresidentJoeBIden: We know he does, dear. We know. The bad man is gone for good, and we’re doing everything we can to cancel his private life. There, there. Shhhh. Shhh.

AOC: Why don’t you sniff her hair while you’re at it???

PresidentJoeBiden: Low hanging fruit, Alex.

AOC: Truth hurts, right?

PresidentJoeBiden: Kiddo, are you gonna be a pain in my ass nonstop for four years, or just some of the time? We’re democrats. We’re already a dysfunctional, splintered, cannibalistic family as it is. The moderates won, honey.

AOC: FREE HEALTHCARE! FREE FOOD! FREE COLLEGE! FREE MANDELA! FREE EVERYTHING!

ChuckSchumer: So, I guess you got your answer there, Joey.

PresidentJoeBiden: Indeed.

DianneFeinstein: Outdeed.

NancyPelosi: What?

AOC: What?

KamJamSlam: I don’t even know how to respond…

DianneFeinstein: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

PresidentJoeBiden: See, what’d I tell you?

NotDonaldTrump: Hey guys, how’s it going?

NancyPelosi: BAD MAN! BAD MAN! BAD MAN! NO-NO WORDS! HOT WATER HURT BABY! HOT WATER HURT BABY!

NotDonaldTrump: What’s her trip?

PresidentJoeBiden: Donald, will you get out of here?

NotDonaldTrump: Who’s Donald? It says I’m not Donald Trump.

AOC: That’s clearly you, spray tan. You’re not fooling anyone.

ChuckSchumer: I’m kind of warming up to this guy.

NancyPelosi: Stop trying to cultivate yourself into bad boy, Chuck. That jacket doesn’t fit on you.

PresidentJoeBiden: Don, this is a meeting of duly elected leaders discussing highly secretive, highly important matters.

NotDonaldTrump: I’m not Donald, but I scrolled up and saw the whole chat and nothing important has happened yet.

PresidentJoeBiden: Well, we’re like that line from Avengers. It takes a while to get any traction.

AOC: How’s being a private citizen suiting you, orange man? Grabbing life by the pus…horns? LFMAO

NotDonaldTrump: All right, Imma level with you guys. It is Donald. My Whitehouse password doesn’t expire for another month.

PresidentJoeBiden: Ugh. I told the IT guy to get on that.

NancyPelosi: What?! No way, Jose. I’m already on a PTSD from having Donald around, and now you want Pennywise the clown to come sniffing around??? Donald putting children in cages is bad enough, but that dude kidnaps and eats them!

PresidentJoeBiden: No sweetie, the Information Technology guy, not a fictional villain from a horror movie.

TheRealDonaldTrump: So how’s this going, buddy?

PresidentJoeBiden: LOL. You want your job back?

AOC: I don’t feel comfortable with him here. He tried to have me murdered on the 6th of January!

ChuckSchumer: Give it a rest, drama queen. We all know what was said, we all know what was done, and we all know who was where. Certainly it was a cluster, but no one tried to have you murdered. And we’re in private now. We can all be cool, like Fonzie, just like that negro said in Pulp Fiction.

All: (groan)

ChuckSchumer: Who the hell is All?

AOC: I know. It’s just that Marxists are trained to project violence on their opponents so as to deflect from their own horrible actions.

PresidentJoeBiden: Yeah, yeah. Make sure you televise the revolution, comrade.

NancyPelosi: I’m with Alex. He cannot be here!

YourDaddyDonaldTrump: Come on, you guys. I promise to behave. Melania’s being a reeeaaal bitch lately and telling me to get some stuff done around the house but honestly I’ve been in such a funk and my unemployment is taking like, forever to come. I’ll do you one better even. I won’t start a third party and run again, I’ll switch back to being a Democrat, and I’ll endorse Kamala in 2024 seeing as Joe is going to die during his first term.

KamJamSlam: (looks around shiftily) That’s…not…going…to…happen, you silly goose.

PresidentJoeBiden: Kam, please. You’ve gotta stop typing whatever stage action you’re doing. Plus, we all know the score. No need to rest on illusions. Also, Don is sweetening the deal. Can’t he stay?

KamJamSlam: You cool w/ this Nanc?

NancyPelosi: It’s whatever.

KamJamSlam: Mamala will ‘low it.

BackinBlackDonaldTrump: You da man, Kam.

KamJamSlam: Sheeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit I know.

DianneFeinstein: What are we doing? What are we talking about? Get off my lawn, you punk kids! What is that Oriental man doing on the TV screen? Where are my meds?

PresidentJoeBiden: I would love your guys’ permission to close out this train wreck and finally get to the day’s agenda. Can I have your permission?

All: (silence)

ChuckSchumer: Again, with that All business.

PresidentJoeBiden: Okay, so really the only item I’ve got is whether or not enough time has passed with this pandemic. I mean, haven’t we made a good show of it without making it totally obvious that 2020 was a massive power grab?

Can’tStumptheTrump: I knew it! I knew it all along!

PresidentJoeBiden: Yeah, yeah. File it with the complaint department.

KamJamSlam: (holds up a trashcan)

PresidentJoeBiden: Thank you, my dear. You knew it. Congratulations. But you were beaten fair and square in November. We ain’t need all that mess for two months.

WreckoftheEdmundFitzDonald: You’re so right. Honestly, I just wanted something to do, and Gulianni comes over unannounced like, all the time and eats all the leftovers in the fridge then blows it up in the bathroom when he’s not being given busy work.

AOC: At a certain point when power has been consolidated and the ruling oligarchy is firmly in place, it won’t matter whether or not what we’re doing is plain and obvious. The proletariat will have no choice but to blindly follow the state and its contradictions, or face purging.

ChuckSchumer: Pump the brakes, Trotsky. We’re talking about what’s happening today.

AOC: Doesn’t even make sense to call me Trotsky.

ChuckSchumer: How about I add even more punctuation to your name and call you “Chuck’s-fist-imprint-to-the-face-tez” if you keep it up with the sass back, young lady?

AOC:……..

ChuckSchumer: Thought so.

NancyPelosi: Don, I know I freaked out earlier but that was mostly show. You wanna grab a drink later? I’m this close to having a breakdown and this chat room is so high school. At least you know how to have fun. Whatever the group decides on whatever the day’s topic is is fine. I’m out.

TheMetaphysicalDonaldTrump: It’s a date.

[NancyPelosi has logged off]

PresidentJoeBiden: We all agreed? The pandemic ends Saturday following?

All: Agreed.

ChuckSchumer: That’s really buggin’ me, man.

PresidentJoeBiden: Great. I’ll inform that woman from Michigan.

[ChuckSchumer has logged off]

[PresidentJoeBiden has logged off]

[TrumpChumpClumpsMassiveDump has logged off]

DianneFeinstein: Hello?

Buy my book (link below) and smash that like button like you were smashing a racist founding father in his pantaloons with the business end of your non-gun choice weapon of violence.

https://www.amazon.com/Ill-Fix-America-Tonight-weekend/dp/1977222730/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=I%27ll+Fix+america+tonight+%28well%2C+at+least+by+the+weekend%29&qid=1613152440&sr=8-1

Nathan Andrew Roberts wrote this while he was supposed to be out there, finding a wife.