2nd Fyre Festival to be held during ongoing border cris...opportunity
By the standards of the HBO Max app, my one-woman pregnancy observational humor show, the Star Wars prequels, Lil Kim’s plastic surgery, and…name some other high-profile piece of s%*& that laid a diseased still-birth egg, the Fyre Festival didn’t go all that badly. By the standards of five thoroughly engrossing seasons and one made-for-Netflix (I refuse to equate their quality programming with the crap Aaron Spelling peddled on us in the 90’s, so yeah, I call it “made-for-Netflix” and not made-for-TV) movie of Breaking Bad, yeah Fyre was the opposite of “fire” (you know, when someone in their twenties tastes a good plate of linguini with alfredo sauce after taking a picture of it and posting on Snapchat to be quickly dismissed by a disinterested party at the other end). I feel like I’ve overused parenthetical editorializing too much here, so time for some grammatical calibration and a reset.
That’s better. Joe Biden seems to be floundering in terms of a solution for the border crisis. He fumbled through questions about media access at the border in his raspy whisper way, stating that the media will be allowed access once he figures out what’s going on and what they are doing. I wish my boss gave me that kind of leniency; only allowing him access to the total cluster-fornicates I (sometimes purposefully) create at work once I’ve fixed the problem and concealed any evidence of ineptitude.
In a move that’s so totally doublespeak-chic, we’ve called the containment structures “pods” so democrats can feel better about not having brown children in Trump-era “cages”. Maybe they threw up some curtains over windows crudely crayoned (liberals struggle with pens…there I go again!) into the concrete and tossed the kids some cardboard 3Ds’s, encouraging them to let their imaginations take flight, but I got some breaking news for y’all. They’s in cages down there. Be that as it may, he’s tried nothing new and was fresh out of ideas until he called Thirsty for Clicks on the black phone. The red phone was out for repairs so the black one was pulling double duty. Typical America. Black phones have to be twice as good and still don’t have any power or clout.
We brainstormed during a wicked intense wake-and-bake sesh and totally nailed a solution that’ll get him off our case until it backfires and we need a second idea to clean up the first one (but it buys us time….(sigh) I’m giving up at this point). Why not hold a second Fyre Festival as a distraction?! Beyond that, why not get the original people involved? Ja Rule wasn’t really doing anything ever since retiring at sucking at making rap music. We got Billy McFarland out of jail because he dropped dime on some of Ja Rule’s more…dastardly activities. Mr. Rule will be remanded to the authorities once this train wreck is wrapped up. Typical white guy. We gave them a terribly inadequate budget, a list of—what are those people who don’t have real jobs…oh yeah—influencers who are basically on board with anything has shiny logos and gets them out of the house, halfhearted verbal commitments from musical acts whose art grates the ears and spirits of those who love real music, and set them loose, like so much devil of Tasmania. It’s going to be held at formerly Joe Exotic’s, formerly Joe Exotic’s partner Jeff Lowe’s, now (we think) Carole Baskin’s tiger park in rural Oklahoma because we can’t help ourselves but layer the stink of imminent failure on this one thick.
This’ll be a better distraction than that time Clinton started lobbing missiles into Kosovo to classically misdirect us from a stained blue dress (Or was it white? Remember that little needless social media arguing ditty from not-too-long-ago?) Enjoy the metaphorical botched plastic surgery to come, folks!
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Fyre Festival logo taken from:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAiISVW_kXDHQMjc7yn9POA