Slaveowner time travels forward, totally digs the way liberals treat black conservatives
Thirsty for Clicks was privy to an amazing event. Horace J. Stockingsworth was a prominent plantation owner’s son in the antebellum south, specifically the outskirts of Atlanta, GA. He showed up at our offices one day last week, having traveled through time to get here. We’re really fond of the Terminator movies, so let’s say for the sake of the story that franchise’s mechanics and rules of time travel were used. He’s part of our country’s history, so we decided to show him around.
Social media replacing reality for far too many people nowadays, we had him spend his first few days in our time on Twitter and Facebook, just to get the basics down. We decided that once we teach him a marketable skill or cultivates the desire to read statistical analysis of trade markets (barf), he’ll graduate to LinkedIn. Having quickly learned the atrociously unhealthy behavior of getting caught up in comment threads when he should be sleeping, he was up until like, at least 3am, paying close attention to a story focused on Candace Owens. He was so drawn to her that in the morning (actually early afternoon) when he woke up, he asked us to take him to one of her speaking engagements.
We’re hardcore Democrats at this publication, so that immediately confirmed our biases which presume all racists to be conservatives and Republicans. And then he abruptly pulled the needle off the vinyl. Black Lives Matter members protested Owen’s UCLA-Berkley speaking engagement. Among some of the more offensive insults being thrown at Candace and her BLEXIT followers were the obligatory “coon”, “house n@##$r”, and “Uncle Tom” that always get obnoxiously thrown at black conservatives when they have the audacity to leave the Democrat reservation and think for themselves. Of course, there were a few instances of “turn in your black card” also. Horace joined in their chanting and flinging of insults. Like, he really got into it and things got weird. Too far, and too much, to the point that the BLM protestors were at a loss for words; the first time in their history such a thing has happened. We asked him what he was doing.
“Bro, what do you mean, fam? It’s the dehumanization of those darkies over there for me. I’m totally digging it.” We don’t know how he learned modern colloquial talk so quickly. Possibly from watching woke black TikTok personalities mistreat black conservative TikTok personalities all hours of the previous night. We asked him if he felt an ethical dilemma joining in a protest with black people. “Not at all! They get it. They understand that black folk who exercise their free speech, refuse to think as a group, and don’t consider themselves a perpetual victim are dangerous and must be silenced. I’ve learned a whole new set of profanities to hurl at the coloreds. I’m loving this BLM crowd!”
We took him back and had him stay at TFC’s headquarters because no one really wanted to let him crash at their house. In the following days, his Google searches were typically geared at seeing white and black leftists pull out their phone and vehemently excoriate, berate, and shout down black conservative voices, telling them how to think and accusing them of Stockholm Syndrome. It almost became a fetish. Scratch that. It did become a fetish, and things got really gross after that. Last we heard, he had moved to New York City to work in an abortion clinic because he wanted to “be where the action is”. We really are having second doubts about putting this story to print.
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