Absolutely dreadful people thankful to racists for getting all the attention
Thirsty for Clicks here, and today we’ve got a special message to all of the racists out there; thank you. Before you get all social justice warrior-y and start canceling us, read further. We understand some of you may be literally shaking on the floor right now, so take a minute and sit down a spell before continuing. We’ve gathered a diverse crowd of interesting folk today and they have a message for those of the racially intolerant persuasion, wherever they may be.
The scammer
“My name is Jonathan and I’d like to say thank you to all the racists today. I run scams, and sometimes even scamolas. I never met a scam I didn’t like. My crew distributes spam emails about your Amazon and PayPal accounts. We send those annoying text messages telling you to click on a link to update your home address and receive a free Playstation 5 and when you block the number we just send it from a different one. We scam elderly ladies into bogus insurance. One time I actually got a lady who lived in Minnesota to buy insurance for her grass in case it died in November when, like, everything dies. No one really comes after us. There’s no movement to rid the world of us. We don’t have to worry about liberals and Democrats forcing companies to spend money to stop us. We stay under the radar, and Americans basically just accept that we’re here and here to stay. And I’m here to say thank you, racists. Thank you for getting all the attention in the news and on social media. What you do is vital to my work.”
The man who cried wolf
“My name is Aaron I’d like to thank racists from the bottom of my heart. You see, I’m a dreadful coworker. I’m argumentative, I’m whiny, I gossip, I bitch and moan about every little thing. I come to work when I feel like it and don’t work particularly hard. When someone asks me to improve my work I get loud and put them on the defensive. Eventually, my supervisor Annie approached me about my performance. I’m African American, you see—don’t take that as an invitation to do the A-A-Ron routine from Key and Peele, I’ve heard that way too many times, thank you very much—and I just accused her and my coworkers of being racist. It worked! They really aren’t even racist, but a black person accusing white folks of being racist is enough to make them blanch, turn tail, and run nowadays. I got her to leave me alone and even finagled a raise out of the situation. Thanks, and two thumbs up, racists!”
The adulteress
“My name is Jessica and I've got racism to thank for literally everything I’ve got. You see, I’m an adulteress. Don’t kink-shame. I didn’t know this before I was married, but my kink is apparently marrying a guy named Rob, telling him on the daily that I’d love and cherish him forever, having kids with him, staying home while he works hard to provide a comfortable and easy life for me, and then sleeping with his friends, like, a lot. When he caught and confronted me about my vows and some other BS that I wasn’t really paying attention to, I filed for divorce because, like, whatever. It’s easier than reflecting on my actions and being shamed. I got full custody of the kids, the house, a healthy chunk of his income, and even his dog because I remembered under testimony when he was in the car one time listening to a Ice Cube song that was heavy on its use of the n-word, he rapped along and said the word instead of awkwardly pausing and that makes him a racist and the judge agreed. Thanks racism! I get to sit at home and sleep with Rob’s friends even more now because of you. I’m thinking of marrying his one former friend Doug and repeating the process because Doug also has money and one time said some iffy opinions about affirmative action and how it’s acceptable to have the Confederate Flag displayed with other Civil War collectibles if you’re into history and I’m pretty sure I can spin those to paint him as a racist.”
The petty thief
“I’m Dukes McCluke and yes, that’s my real name, and yes, my parents predestined me to a tough life with a name like that. Before the last ten years or so, I wouldn’t have agreed to have my full name put into print but I don’t have to worry anymore because of racists. I steal things. I steal things a lot. I steal from strangers, loved ones, my parents, my kids, anyone. I don’t keep a permanent address. I basically rotate between my girlfriend’s house, a trailer in the back forty at my oldest kid’s house, and seedy hotels. I steal because I’ve got a debilitating heroin addiction and am thinking about doing heroin whenever I’m not doing heroin but don’t have a steady job because lots of employers have a thing about shooting up in the bathroom at work, so I have to steal to make a living. I live in a big city with a lot of violent crime. The cops basically leave me alone because I don’t steal things big enough to be worth their hassle and they’re always trying to reel in bigger fish. There’s an alt-right militia group in this city (they make pretty good heroin, but not anything to Yelp home about) who are always causing trouble. They and the inner city gangs keep the cops busy. I’m sure I’ve got at least four or five outstanding warrants but I’m left alone and I’ve got the racists and gangs to thank for that. From the bottom of my heart, thank you racists! I really mean that.”
The slimeball
“My name is Brandt and I have to hand it to racists. They really know how to keep everyone’s attention with their shenanigans, be it Charlottesville, cop shootings with a racial component, or just racist TikTok users. You see, I’m a hedge fund manager. I take a helicopter to and from work. I treat women like objects and sleep with as many as I physically can every day. I’ve got a terrible cocaine habit, as do most of my executives. And I’m the one who introduced them to it. You could calculate the cocaine and hookers that have come through our Manhattan offices in the metric tonnes. I recently had my personal assistant compile a list of all the moral commandments from the Old Testament and I’m breaking them, one-by-one because I’ve been bored lately. You can do that when you’ve a gargantuan yacht which can take you to international waters. Everyone’s so caught up with arguing and punishing racism right now. It’s like…that’s the only bad thing you can do right now. That whole Gamestop thing earlier this year kind of shined a small light on our shady dealings, but then the country was right back to shining a blazing spotlight on racism and racists and who thinks who and what are racist. So we can scoot back under the radar and go back to inappropriately hitting on our hot secretaries. Gotta hand it to you, racists, you sure know how to take one for the team!”
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://qz.com/656159/the-scientific-way-to-train-white-people-to-stop-being-racist/