Breaking News-Social media user actually reads entire Facebook rants
Some people out there just follow their own drummer and move to beat of their own path. We here at Thirsty for Clicks write stories featuring these weirdoes so us norm-ies can feel better about ourselves. We’ve found one such weirdo for today’s piece. We would just call him Aaryn Fervich but he’s a psychopath so he insisted on including his middle name; Bradley.
“Welcome, welcome. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us today, Mr. Fervich.”
“It’s Aaryn Bradley Fervich.” (chuckles and wags his finger in a manner that made our reporter super uncomfortable)
“Could you scooch over a little?”
“I get it. Social distancing, right?”
“No, you’re just really off-putting.”
“Ah.” (scooches chair farther away)
“Tell me, what is so special and newsworthy about you.”
“Well, not much. I’m a normal guy—”
“Beyond insisting being called by all three of your names.”
“—Beyond insisting being…yes. Other than that, I lead a normal life. I do, however, take the time to read any Facebook posts that start off with ‘I don’t want to go off on a rant here’, ‘I don’t want to start a political debate’, ‘I bet this won’t get any shares but I’ll say it anyway’, or ‘This is the last thing I’ll say’.”
(shudders in disgust) “Why would you do something like that!?”
“Well, people put content out there for it to be read.”
“Yes, but the banality and manipulation of it all is almost as off-putting as the presence of someone who reads it!”
“Aren’t you supposed to be an unbiased journalist?”
“Yes, but I have my limits. Do you need friends, a hobby, a job, or something?”
“Yes to all three, but while I figure out that situation, I figured I might as well do my Facebook friends a favor and read their content.”
“Are any of your Facebook friends a friend in real life.”
“Facebook is real life.”
“NO IT’S NOT. IT ISN’T. IT’S NOT. I can’t stress this enough. IT IS NOT REAL LIFE!”
“There’s no need for shout—.”
“OH YES THERE IS!” (takes a deep breath) “Do you comment on these posts?”
“Usually no. I respect it when they say ‘I don’t want to start a debate’.”
“That’s just manipulation to bait people into starting one. And it’s kind of condescending, when you think about it. They can have their say, they want you to like and share, but don’t wan you to have your say.”
“I never thought of it that way.”
“That’s right, you didn’t. I mean, if you’re devoting the time to actually read the posts, you should take the time to put forward logical, reasonable, rational points in response in a polite and respectful manner.”
“When I do comment, I usually attack them personally or tell them that due to their whiteness, they don’t have the right to an opinion.”
(getting up) “This is just too gross. I gotta get out of here. I can’t anymore. I just can’t. Is there some sort of registry we can get this guy put on? I don’t usually advocate doxing but some folks earn it.” (trails off as he walks out of the room and down the hall)
(pouting) “I think I’m an all right guy.”
(yelling from down the hall) “Consensus of one, dude!”
“Books and articles and eBooks are longer than those rants and normal people read them.”
“Yes, but those are meant to be read in a different format than social media scrolling. Don’t ask me to explain why it’s gross. It just is! End of story. Period. One-hunned. Drop mic. Bye Felicia!”
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Soapbox photo taken from:
https://www.istockphoto.com/photo/stand-on-your-soapbox-gm175850308-26162531