Tim Tebow replaces Chuck Norris as the guy with all the farfetched legends about him
We have to face the uncomfortable truth that Chuck Norris is going to die someday. Yes, he’s only 81 years old and he’s humankind 2.0, so those might be 81 dog years, or the opposite of dog years, whichever means he’s not aging at the normal rate, but he will, alas, run out of life, albeit many years after we’ve all passed, and far beyond the point this out of control sentence runs out of commas.
So who’s going to take up the mantle as the alpha-male-oozing macho we all reference in a humorous manner with just a pinch of covetousness? It has to be a physical specimen as impressive, if not more so, than ol’ Chuckers. I wish to put Tim Tebow forward as the only man worthy of consideration. Going six years in between NFL stints, switching positions to one with more wear and tear on the body, and playing professional baseball to casually fill the time in between NFL tenures is a phenomenal achievement, almost as some of his others:
He’s the only science-defyingly handsome man to spend four years playing football in Florida and maintain his virginity.
Legend says he once turned a stereotypical southern white supremacist from his horrible ways with a smile and a hug, then helped him find a job working as a volunteer at a soup kitchen in the inner city.
Urban Meyer actually seems like a socially functional human being when he’s hanging around Tebow.
He married a white Miss Universe winner from South Africa without that country’s ugly history with apartheid or stupid-sounding accents being mentioned once in the media coverage.
He once locked eyes with Medusa, whose powers utterly failed on him while she herself was mesmerized and charmed by his soft yet powerful gaze.
He caught up to Superman and the Flash during their footrace to share the good news of Jesus Christ with them. Superman, realizing he’s nothing more than a ripoff of the Christian Messiah, subsequently sank into a deep depression and has been a recluse ever since (this was a win for those who maintain that Marvel’s Hulk is stronger than Superman, if not physically, at least emotionally).
His signing with the Jacksonville Jaguars got millions of salt-o-da-earf American Christians to believe in football again, and forget about their beef with Kaepernick (at least for now).
He once got bitten by a cobra and the blood from his genetically superior body made the snake morph into an even bigger, deadlier cobra that wreaked havoc on a small Indonesian village, which Tebow then saved from Mecha-Cobra venom with an antidote derived from his blood…kind of a full-circle hero thing.
He got a Christian-themed football movie made and released to little acclaim and pathetic box office returns. Okay, that’s actually not all that impressive but it does bear mentioning.
As he passes by, vitriolic and hate-filled leftists actually stop screeching, rioting, and throwing Molotov cocktails for a moment. He can’t be everywhere at once, hence the continued riots, but everywhere he goes, this happens for a few noteworthy seconds.
His likable and uncontroversial influence actually has a noticeable backward pull at the image of horrific American Christians the news, television, and movies wants us all to swallow and ingest.
He traveled forward in time and saved President Biden from this whole thing with a mischievous and bloodthirsty badger. It’s…you just had to be there…but you won’t, but Tim and Chuck will.
He is currently working in close conjunction with DC to make their comic book movie universe cohesive, fluid, and respectable without seeming like a bunch of Johny-come-lately’s to Marvel’s. Possibly the most impressive accomplishment on this list.
He’s gotten more than a few Hollywood actresses to stop being such whores. We won’t mention names because we aren’t TMZ and we have a little journalistic dignity (leans in and whispers almost inaudibly) Julia Louise-Dreyfuss is one of them but that’s all you’re getting from us.
He tried but failed to rid the world of racism but at least he tried. What did you do? Posted a few hashtags? I’m sure that helped.
He reversed the hex on Benjamin Button that made him age backw…Emma Watson was another.
He ran so fast he traveled back in time he was able to stop the Kennedy assassination but then came forward in time and found that his actions led to socialism gaining more of a foothold in America and almighty capitalists can’t be having that so he ran back in time again and stopped himself from stopping the assassination with a well-thought out and impassioned speech and then ran forward in time again to converge with his own time-displaced body before any of us even noticed the chrono-ripples.
He’s actually the Iron Dome defense system that was picking off Palestinian rockets from the Israeli skyline. He learned how to shoot rocket-destroying laser beams from his eyes one time after playing and beating Missile Command. It’s called the Iron Dome and manmade weapons are given credit because we don’t yet fully understand Timmy’s powers.
Any time a cold case is solved, it’s thanks to Tim and his budding psychic powers. In his laudable humility, he cedes all credit to the hardworking men and women in blue because he’s just that great of a guy.
He disproved the old wives’ tale of lefthanded children being of the devil to the last six remaining people on earth who cling to that belief.
Every time he throws a touchdown with his signature jump pass, an angel gets its credit score raised by twenty points.
Destitute children suddenly feel like life is going to be okay and upward class mobility is something they can achieve when he walks by.
He did get a big head after reading this article and did challenge Chuck to a duel and was soundly beaten because there still is a king on the throne. However, he did also bounce back from his horrific injuries at a Wolverine/Deadpool-like rate.
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Image taken from:
https://people.com/sports/tim-tebow-back-in-nfl-signs-with-jacksonville-jaguars-tight-end/