Producers of The Purge movies super-jazzed about Defund the Police movement
Sometimes we here at Thirsty for Clicks stumble on what could be called “true journalism” between fluff pieces about what organic, locally sourced soap product Scarlett Johansson uses to wash her butt-crack and counting the times Tom Sizemore has gotten drunk and punched a paparazzi (spoiler alert, it’s a lot). We apologize for the actual newsworthy content we’re about to share, but we didn’t coast with all C’s through Northwestern to only talk about J-Lo’s latest sexy swimsuit photo shoot and ignore the fact that she’s kind of at that age where constantly throwing her sexuality in our faces comes off as desperate, one-dimensional, and kind of creepy if we’re being honest with ourselves. Where were we? Ah, yes, newsworthy content. We promise, we’ll be back to revealing who’s sleeping with whom and who’s mad about who doing that so who’s getting back at who by sleeping with another whom in no time.
Seems as if early retirements and resignations have seen a significant uptick amongst the police. Not only that, but enrollment in police academies and hiring of new officers is also down. So more police are leaving the force and fewer men and women are stepping into the vacancies for the amazing chance to be told “You’re a credit to the force, rookie!”. We decided to talk to the people most adversely affected by this turn of events. What was that? Police departments and private citizens? Don’t be gross. ACAB. We’re talking about movie producers.
So we caught up with Michael Bay; producer of The Purge and a slew of other…look, we got the interview on the condition that we not badmouth any movies that have his name attached, otherwise our grandchildren’s grandchildren would be paying off the lawsuit, so we will do our best to not do so, although we don’t doubt it’ll take all our restraint because some of them are just—
Process Server: Thirsty for Clicks?
Thirsty for Clicks: Yes? May I inquire as to who’s asking?
Process Server: (handing over a manila envelope) You’ve been served.
Thirsty for Clicks: Dagnabbit!
Michael Bay: Serves—get it?!—you right.
Thirsty for Clicks: Haha. Are we still doing this thing?
Michael Bay: Sure thing. I didn’t have anything scheduled today but polishing my gun.
Thirsty for Clicks: Is that some innuendo for a sexual act?
Michael Bay: Yes and no. I was literally going to polish my gun.
Thirsty for Clicks: Ah.
Michael Bay: Don’t interrupt. But yes, as anyone who watches my movies can tell, I have a pretty noticeable gun and military-grade weapon fetish, so there is a sexual element to the task.
Thirsty for Clicks: I’m sorry I asked.
Michael Bay: I’m not.
The room: (uncomfortable silence)
Process Server: So…should I go? I just haven’t talked in a while.
Thirsty for Clicks: I’d prefer you stay for safety and possible courtroom deposition reasons.
Process Server: Cool beans. (contentedly plays game on phone) You’ve been served. You’ve been served. You’ve been—
Thirsty for Clicks: The Purge movies have been a good franchise and now a TV series. Do you think recent developments in big cities with cops quitting will have any effect for this particular artistic property?
Michael Bay: Oh my gosh, yes! See before now, we were supposing what would happen if there were no police for a day. So we began with a conceit and wrote the plot and dialogue from that filter. We weren’t working with real material. But now! Can you even imagine the real-life stories that’ll come from this? I mean, it’ll suck for anyone not rich enough to be living in an exact replica of the X-men mansion where the underground tunnels, student bedrooms, kitchen, living spaces, and toilet tanks are just chocked full of exciting and explode-y weapons (covers his lap with a throw pillow). I mean, they’ll be SOL at that point. But for movie producers who will undoubtedly survive and be able to glean true stories so we can keep milking this one-trick pony franchise? (kisses hand like an Italian chef) mwah!
Thirsty for Clicks: How’s your wife feel about all the weaponry in your mansion?
Michael Bay: She’s totally fine with it. I gave her the toolshed to practice her scrapbooking. She was talking about feeling like Cool Hand Luke in solitary when the midday sun hits that bad boy but I’m not springing for AC in the outbuildings. I pay a fortune in keeping my precious guns cool and battle-ready. Women, am I right? The things they get into instead of letting me film them running in slow motion wearing a low-cut crop-top.
Thirsty for Clicks: So can some of the people in the inner cities who will be affected by the lack of police come and stay with you? Seems like they’d be safer there.
Michael Bay: Did you not hear anything I said? There’s no room! My guns occupy all of the bedrooms and the beds and the cabinets and the fridge and the secret compartments in the pool toys. There’s no room for people! I can’t even tell you how many times CPS has been done tried to take my kids away. I’ve had to bribe or threaten them with my front door welcome mat gun every time. Such a hassle. Sheesh, it’s like a guy is some kind of weirdo if he hides, regularly polishes, and talks to his guns as one would speak to a lover. It’s not like I’m the worst dude ever, ya know? I just have one weird thing if you don’t count the way that I treat women on film. Hello? Hello?
Process Server and Thirsty for Clicks: (quietly and nervously sneaked out of room while Bay was talking)
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Image taken from:
https://www.redletterchristians.org/protest-prophecy-and-the-defunding-police/