The Patriarchy should put a stop to these mental health scams
Preface: I love and adore Simone Biles. She had a bad week after a decade of utterly dominating her chosen sport. She owes me, her country, and her team nothing. She was raised by adoptive parents and I think America should adopt her as its sweetheart, most beloved athlete, president, CEO, and top movie star. I write stupid and silly click-bait blogs in order to get laughs, and wanted to capitalize on the timing of this story in order to do so. Having said that, on to the jokes. Read the remainder of this essay in your best gruff, condescending. chauvinist, know-it-all-ultra-conservative straight white male voice and you’ll be firmly situated on the right track.
These pesky women and their mental health-seeking lady parts
If there’s one thing that the Patriarchy can’t abide, it’s women getting one over on them. I logged into the Patriarchy group chat, checked with all the other members, and we agreed that this mental health nonsense has got to stop. By “stop”, we mean co-opted, twisted, and abused by men.
I just don’t buy all this “mental health” crap. Sounds like a lovey-dovey-touchy-feely malarkey excuse to try and get out of work. In my day, we didn’t spend all day whining on social-grams and insta-books about our boss making us work a double, our boyfriend’s lack of listening skills, and the need to adopt Sweden’s six-months-a-year mandatory vacation system. Sounds like a bunch of commie-socialist-I-refuse-to-grow-up-and-get-a-real-job crap to me. We got Sunday morning off work and that was it. If you were a girl, you’d birth your child and be back in the cornfield chopping wood for the tractor before the clock’s hour dial had changed its address.
In my day, mental health was only affected when a physical health crisis was the precursor. We didn’t scream “racist!” at someone who disagrees with us and then take the day off because we were “literally shaking”. When I was ten I used to walk an unreasonably long distance to school, working as a lumberjack along the route, and even outran the polio virus in a footrace one time. Another time a felled tree hit me and broke my leg. I still went to school and was able to bully that faggot Mikey Jarond (who shouldn’t have been born with a hair lip if he didn’t want to get bullied all his life) without losing any of my speed or kicking power. We had an away game that same day and my baseball coach let me bat on the condition of we use a pinch runner. It was then—and only then—that my mental health was affected. I guess we were just built better than the namby-pamby-pantywaists of today’s generation. We regularly walked off the deadly poison when a venomous snake bit us and refused to let the pain and swelling get in the way of punting badgers into the ‘ol swimming hole. We ate pinecones with spoiled milk for breakfast and were thankful for the chance to make it through the day without dad breaking out the electrified switch-paddle.
In my day, we’d give a little chin music to a Nazi, go home and pull a slimy calf from a demon cow’s ass, harass a negro and his family, stack a winter’s week worth of cordwood, and still have time to learn a valuable coming-of-age lesson from an elderly, folksy, and wise candy store shop-keep before the street lights came on. We’d call that a Tuesday.
Why do your feelings, problems, and personal demons automatically become my problem? What a narcissistic way to go through life. Mental health issues are irrefutable AND unprovable. Seems pretty convenient. Wish I had that luxury when the boss man is asking me to carry a load of bricks across the river because he wants to chuck ‘em at some Injuns and I’ve only gotten five hours of sleep in the last decade.
What about men’s mental health? That seems to get lost in the mix. We men go to work every day, bust our humps infusing our blood, sweat, tears, piss, phlegm, toe jam, bellybutton lint, and other bodily excretions into the buildings, cars, and infrastructure of this greatest country that has ever existed or will exist and what thanks do we get? We get chewed out when we get home for wanting to sit down, relax in our favorite, chair, have a beer, and harass a negro and his family in peace and quiet.
I once saw a dude on TikTok say an opinion that I agree with so the opinion automatically became scientific fact. He said that adultery and spousal abuse occur at the same rate between men and women, but the fact that 80% of divorces are initiated by women has to point to something suspicious. He said it’s got to coincide with loss of job, business, or some other financial/personal crisis for the men. He said that women demand love and support in times of need from their men but are disinterested in doing the same when the time comes. A man said it and it jives with what I want to be reality, so, like I said, irrefutable fact at this point. Plus, it rings true with my story. I was forced divorced not long after my brother died of cancer, and what I’ve experienced personally and anecdotally can be generalized because people who agree with me agree with the truth. Facts. 100. What (clapping hands emoji) I (clapping hands emoji) say (clapping hands emoji) is (clapping hands emoji) gospel (clapping hands emoji). Period. We men don’t need to be coddled when we’re sick, praised when we do our job, supported when we’re down, or justified when we’re wrong. We just go out there and be men, feelings-be-damned. If that’s mentally unhealthy, I don’t want to be the other thing.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://abcnews.go.com/Sports/simone-biles-withdraws-individual-competition-focus-mental-health/story?id=79109054