White guy suspended from job while other white people decide if he's racist
Jack Morris is a Hall of Fame pitcher who played the bulk of his career and won a World Series with the Detroit Tigers. It was a natural choice for him to become a sports announcer for the Tigers in the years following his retirement. That is, if he could keep his whiteness in check. Apparently that’s too big an ask and he forgot to check his privilege.
For you see, he is guilty of one of the most egregious crimes one can commit; being white while doing a non-white accent. This is the age of non-standardized morality, shifting societal rules, and unequally applied consequences. It’s perfect for people who are super creepy and want to control the lives of others and punish them for perceived slights. Draconian measures with objective standards can’t even match up to this situation. No one likes austerity measures under an authoritarian regime, but at least you know where you stand. Alignment gives a little comfort, and we can’t have white people feeling comfortable. Progress only happens when white people feel disarmed. I can stand on retarded and nonsensical platitudes like that because I’m a progressivist and everything I say is right. I can also claim and take back the word “retarded” because I’m a progressivist and it goes without saying I have slight mental retardation.
Sorry whitey, you want to know when you’re being offensive? We’ll let you know after the fact. Here, we’ll even toss you a few crumbs. Want to talk like an inbred southerner who fancies his sister? Totally inbounds. Want to scream racist snippets in a Boston accent? Be our guest. Want to talk like an Asian person who is in the process of learning English? Pistols, burning down of your business, doxing of your children, and canceling at dawn, I say.
What did Jack Morris do? He said “very, very” like someone from Japan would say as he was discussing Shohei Ohtani’s batting. American League pitchers are typically only expected to do this during inter-league play and the World Series, and then only when they’re in a National League ballpark. National League pitchers are expected to bat, but basically specialize in getting strikeouts while they wait to see if they can get walked. Ohtani is like if The Chosen One from some stupid movie from the chosen-one subgenre fathered a telekinetic baby with a unicorn.
Four syllables. That’s all it took for Morris to ruin his life while Ohtani was fixing to bat. It was problematic but was it racist? Well, let’s look at the relevant factors. Was the offending party white? Automatic guilty sentence. Was the offending party straight and white? Double-decker-triple-coupon-day guilty. Was the offending party straight, white, and male? He might as well throw a pitchfork at himself after torching his own barn. Case closed. that’s a wrap. Good job everybody. We looked at it from all relevant angles and came to a just conclusion. Now the real fun begins. Sharpen your bricks, people. There’s a bay window at the front of this dude’s house in desperate need of shattering.
What I don’t get is why they asked Ohtani if he was offended. He’s part of a minority group from a country where Amerikkka has a high body count. Of course he was offended. He said he wasn’t, but we can’t trust the feelings or words of a person who’s part of a monolithic minority. There’s offense and umbrage to be taken, after all. Come on, guy! Get your head in the game. Manufactured outrage doesn’t happen every day. Well, that’s not true. It kind of does happen every day, but that’s neither here nor there.
We whites who are in charge of Twitter, culture, and the flow of money have taken it upon ourselves to be the gatekeepers of when an ethnic minority has the expressed duty to be outraged, and we take our self-appointed job very seriously. You’re just the latest in a line of melanin-rich persons who aren’t able to think for themselves, act as an individual, get a state ID, or Google directions to your local DMV. Take number and have a seat. It’s gonna be a bit of a wait but we’ll get around to exacting revenge on your behalf. When you’re hungry, head to the cafeteria and enjoy some of your culture’s favorite foods while we steer clear of the buffet for fear of accusations of cultural appropriation or burning our mouths on spicy food.
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Image taken from:
https://www.thedenverchannel.com/sports/tigers-analyst-jack-morris-suspended-for-ohtani-remarks