Thirsty for Clicks Presents: Who's Cancelled? (Feb 1st edition)

Keep up the good fight, Social Justice Cancel Warriors. Remember, you quit your jobs, gave up your livelihood, severed ties with those friends and family who are too small-minded to understand your choices, and became full-time Twitter bullies for a reason (aforementioned reason TBD). Nothing, not even starvation and eviction from your mom’s basement due to lack of gainful employment will stop you in your righteous quest to bring utter ruin on the lives of those who have stooped so low as to slightly offend you and your ever-changing sensibilities. Never forget, our 1st Amendment of these United States of Amerikkka grants you the right not to be offended.

As a minor refresher, follow these five steps every time someone gets cancelled, and we will one day have a society reformed in our image, one in which everyone will be free to live in constant fear of reprisal for their unacceptable opinions.

1. Tweet whatever they said/did and accuse them of racism, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, all four, or any contrived form of intolerance that is trending that week.

2. Demand their immediate resignation, removal from office, or firing from whatever film/television project they are currently attached to. If they are from an artistic property already released, demand the studio edit them out, release said property, and argue with conservatives on comment threads about how this isn’t at all Orwellian, (the deeper the hair splitting and rhetorical semantics, the better).

   1. Wish horrible things upon them and their children for their offense.

      1. The most creative 2.1 gets a weekly bonus of an extra avocado ration.

3. Direct message their home address and phone number to all of your followers.

4. Publicly rationalize any property damage ANTIFA causes in the process. Phrases like “insured anyway”, “stolen land”, and “ideology, not an organization” are good go-to’s.

5. Dox anyone on this mailing list you see not going at #1-4 hard enough.

So, let’s get to the fun stuff.

Historical Cancellations-Overuse of the phrases “I’m just now finding out about this” and “I’m literally shaking” is highly encouraged.

• Sir Lawrence Olivier for playing Othello in blackface. No explanation needed there.

• Robert Downey Jr for wearing blackface in Tropic Thunder. See below for related.

• Angelina Jolie for playing a British woman in the Tomb Raider franchise.

  • That’s right, intra-cultural cancellations are now a thing if the cancelled person is from a different country. Stay tuned for more as I watch older movies in between Twitter rants. (I’m totally stoked for this one)

• The United Kingdom, for sending their secret agents of conquest back to ancient times (Greece, Rome, Persia, Middle-Earth, Narnia, etc.) and using evil British-accent-English-speaking Caucasians to conquer these beautiful civilizations in the future name of their crown.

• Any white person who ever invented something because we know they stole their inventions from a POC, right after raping their wives and right before they were taught to bathe by said POC.

Current Events Cancellations-Overuse of phrases like “I can’t believe in (insert current year) and we still have to deal with…” and “Did we not learn anything from (insert any historical event you choose, no matter the weakness of the connection)”.

• Chris Pine and Harrison Ford for being cis-gendered white males possessing rugged good looks which, as everyone knows, is soon to be illegal so long as Nancy Pelosi does her job and pushes through this and other wildly unnecessary legislation (knowing she’ll be cancelled if she doesn’t).

• Miley Cyrus for her remarks about women possessing female genitalia. This one hurts, I know. We thought she was an ally for so long. Don’t forget her twerking days (cough, cough, cultural appropriation, cough) and her being on thin ice with us since we decided she was on thin ice with us.

• Any conservative pundit using variations on the phrase “I love it when the Left cannibalizes their own”. Jerky-jerk faces who make us feel stupid for continually fracturing our already horribly disharmonious ideological family make me want to ask my big brother to beat them up (a metaphor for pressuring big tech and our liberal overlords to use their respective powers to silence them, naturally).

• Every black person pardoned by Donald Trump on his last day in office (henceforth to be referred “Liberal Christmas”).

  • Something is fishy about this. He’s undoubtedly still a white supremacist. A rational incarcerated black person would see this and refuse to be released. They’re obviously house slaves experiencing Stockholm Syndrome and are not to be trusted.

Hypothetical Preemptive Cancellations-just like the debater who anticipates and answers his opponent’s arguments before they are spouted, these are non-specific cancellations you might face in response to this week’s specific cancellations.

• Any white person who cites the Wayans Brothers in White Chicks. These are African Americans who were raised in a wealthy family of Hollywood royalty. If anyone has seen oppression firsthand, it is they. It doesn’t need to be said that there is no categorical imperative for the new morality, so black folks can do exactly what white people cannot do and it not be considered wrong.

• Any conservative who points out that in order to fight the racism of voter ID laws, we progressives say super racist things about black people and their inability to find a DMV or have fast internet connections.

• Anybody who comes to the defense of Robert Downey Jr., citing that his role in Tropic Thunder was satire of method acting. Excoriate them and explain that satire is dead because real life is getting too exaggerated to be properly satirized.

  • If they don’t get it say “THE RULES HAVE CHANGED!” in all caps and red font. I will be checking for the prerequisite number of exclamation points and cancelling anyone who doesn’t use enough.

• Joe Biden if he starts defaulting to his moderate roots and eschews the bat guano crazy leanings which got him elected.

• Anybody social media troll who points out the hypocrisies and inconsistencies we progressives practice and espouse on the daily.

  • For instance, you advocate for the boycotting of Amazon so small businesses can make some of their money. A conservative points out that Amazon supports and enriches the efforts of thousands, indeed tens of thousands of small businesses. You call said conservative a boot-licker and commence with the absolutely reasonable defense of wishing rape upon their wives and daughter.

Nathan Andrew Roberts is the Angry Dad, and the Angry Dad is Nathan Andrew Roberts. His ambitious new book entitled I’ll Fix America Tonight (well, at least by the weekend) is on sale now at www.amazon.com (perhaps you’ve heard of it). While he enjoys blogging, he won’t have an audience that can make him money blogging until his book starts selling, and his book won’t start selling until his blogging audience starts buying it.