New rules for whiny babies who want the government to take care of them
As the fine people of Michigan have deftly demonstrated, many Americans don’t understand what a law is. Some of them (I won’t put anyone on blast but their name rhymes with “shmiberal”) will take an executive order regarding masks, mind the business of some dude who just wants a Mountain Dew and stale hotdog at the Speedway (love those Speedy Rewards points!), and be all “You should wear a mask because it’s the law”, even going so far as to put up a sign to that effect. I won’t put the dude with the Mountain Dew addiction on blast, but let’s suppose for the sake of verisimilitude in this article he mows lawns as a side hustle, writes satirical blogs, has struggled with weight his whole life, has had his heart toyed with, broken, and crushed by several women he’s had the bad fortune to cross, but isn’t jaded in matters of the heart and is currently taking applications to fill the position. That character’s backstory and situation is just off the top of my head, though.
So, laws. Feel free to hum the Schoolhouse Rock tune as you read. Elected officials write, sponsor, and introduce a bill to the legislature. It carries certain mandates that apply to the people/person/places/things/ideas under its purview, along with legal penalties/punitive measures for breaking it. It needs another law to cancel it out/reverse it/render it null and void. It’s no joke in this country. We live under the rule of law. Thank God in Heaven for allowing us that and not living under the rule of the majority because The Majority be straight trippin’, shawty. Executive orders do not carry the weight of law. They are diminished in their scope and lasting power. The next elected executive with an eraser handy can strike them from the record. But since we’re using executive orders in the place of law, I’m about to act as reckless as a Democrat governor who’s had a few too many drinks at a fundraiser. To quote Dwight Schrute: “There’s a new sheriff here in these offices, and his name is me”. I’m the boss, CEO, president, and overall HBIC of my children, my two businesses, and my subordinates at my day job.
Running with the premise that being an involved father, honest man of integrity, and hardworking capitalist makes me singularly more important to the success of our culture than all the elected ruffians in Washington combined, I’m issuing a decree to all these folks who need their health insurance, rent, wages, iPhone bill, and expensive drug habit paid for by the money the government acquires by forceful taxation of those dudes who mow lawns as a side hustle…among others. It’s time the industrious put our collective feet down. Here are the new rules, according to Mr. Nathan Andrew Roberts, Sr. esq, ruler of the vast Persian Empire, slayer of thousands of Koopa Troopas in Super Mario, purveyor of rambling and unfocused blog essays:
No avocado toast until you’ve finished your vegetables
Bedtime on a weeknight is a hard 9pm, weekends is a soft 10:30pm and you can stay up later if you’ve done your reading time and we’ve all agreed on and started a movie before 9pm.
No social media usage at all. It seems harsh but this one is non-negotiable. No one wants to hear about what else you deserve at the expense of others and your time could be better spent than calling those who believe in capitalism “bootlickers” on comment threads.
If you’re not going to play sports, you must pick up a kinesthetic hobby—and no—Occulus VR and Nintendo Wii’s and whatever else the kids are recording themselves playing while flailing around their living room clumsily and reacting to each other flailing around clumsily for YouTube views don’t count.
You must shower once a day before 10am. Seems like this one would be a given but here we are.
Mandatory classes/training/on-the-job experience for a marketable skill is required for a minimum of three hours a day. Quit your pissing and moaning. We don’t want to hear it. Three hours is a nap for hardworking folk. Walmart stock and job-hopping for a temp agency aren’t valid career choices.
You must talk in complete sentences free of net lingo and references to popular memes.
We’ll take care of you but you’ve forfeited the right to vote. Folks who live on others’ dime don’t get a say in the decision-making process.
Don’t tell me you’re micro-dosing. Be honest with me and with yourself and call yourself a drug addict. It’s super liberating emotionally to own your shortcomings. “Junkie” will work in playful moments between people who know each other well enough to give a little business.
A member of the 1% you’ve spent the last ten years vilifying get to claim you as a dependent on their taxes, just to rub your nose in it. We know this is petty and immature but you’ve been setting the standard on those two adjectives for quite some time now.
One hour of reading time in a physical chapter book (alternating fiction and nonfiction) per day. Sub-Reddits and Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto are permanently banned.
No tablets or Furious Fowl (or whatever it’s called) after 6pm.
Your allowance is not to be spent on cryptocurrency, neon hair dye, or ear gauges..
If you continue to talk down on the military, we give these badass men and women full permission (and zero consequences) to beat and wail on your opposite-of-badass-ass when they can find a free moment. A word to the wise should be sufficient. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
We’ll pay for your college, but you must take a full class load and pass every class. We’re not paying for you to goof off and be mediocre for four years. Can’t believe that had to be said.
Doesn’t matter how old you are, you’re not a legal adult until you’ve taken responsibility for your own life and reintroduced yourself to adulthood for…let’s say one full calendar year’s probationary period. That means anyone who you want to have sex with will be carding you to see if you’re a legal adult for fear of ending up on the registry.
You can keep and hang with your BLM friends but we don’t want you hanging with those awful ANTIFA guys. They have no chill.
You’ll get your credit card back once you’ve learned to not be so reckless an Amazon Prime. Most of the crap you bought isn’t needed by anyone, anywhere, at any time, for any reason.
Procure, have professionally tailored/pressed, and head out into public once a week in a shirt and tie. Bonus time taken off your adulthood probationary period if you go all-out and wear a three-piece suit.
You don’t get welfare and a child tax credit. It’s one or the other. Seems like this would be common sense but you know what they say about common sense.
Violate curfew and your smartphone will be confiscated. Go ahead and complain about how texting on a flip-phone is tedious and you actually have to call people and it’s “like…so gross even thinking about it”. Complain to the wall for all we care You’ll just have to deal.
Remember, we’ve made these rules because we care about you, but we don’t really like what you’ve become. You’ve been messing up for a while and it’s time for some tough love. Trust me, it’ll be good for you in the long run. We’ll laugh about this someday.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://people.com/tv/joshua-jackson-challenges-james-van-der-beek-ugly-cry/
