Pandemic 2: The Bidening is coming to theaters, restaurants, and life near you
It’s understood that when something is a hit, you need a sequel. And that sequel needs to be bigger, better, louder, more expensive, more obnoxious, contain more computer graphics, more cleavage, more everything of what made the original so great but just more in your face about it this time. Based on the enormous success of 2020’s pandemic and burgeoning reports of the Delta Variant, we can certainly anticipate a round two.
We here at Thirsty for Clicks broke into a major player’s D.C. office and after satisfying a pretty aggressive fetish for inhaling the musty air of file cabinets filled with bureaucratic paperwork, were able to steal a script for the sequel. We won’t give major plot spoilers away—we’ve got a smidge of journalistic integrity after all—but we can give you some crumbs to nibble on. Here’s what to expect:
Mask mandates that include blindfolds so we can all enhance our other senses and learn to function like those badass samurais in movies who fight better blind
Government agent bots randomly posting hot-button social media rants about the pandemic so as to increase the divide to the point that a new Civil War featuring all four quadrants of the compass is fomented
Personal forcefield generators that take social distancing to a level only toxic introverts can realistically enjoy
Increased unemployment and quarantine benefits which include feeding troughs installed right next to your bed and optional robot-operated catheters so that if COVID scares you so much you can barely even function as a shut-in agoraphobic, you’ll still be covered
IV drips containing the liquified mash of food at your favorite restaurants so you don’t even have to take off your mask when you sit down for a nice meal with less than four friends.
Required viewing of pro-communism films put out by the propaganda wings of Cuba and China so as to desensitize, condition, and prepare us for what’s in store for Pandemic 3: We’re not even Going to Pretend this is about Your Safety Anymore.
Snuff films of liberty-first conservative and libertarian politicians getting curb-stomped and tortured with blowtorches.
Nancy Pelosi and her posse on a concert hall tour using copies of the Bill of Rights as her rolling papers culminating in an end-of-summer festival in D. C. to include a public burning of the original document
A fourth stimulus package entitled “The Gazillion Kajillion Blamillion Dollar Inflation-Shminflation COVID BIll”
Pork-barrel politics on a level we’ve never seen before, including a reworking of the Quartering Act of 1765 which will force all conservative-leaning households to house, feed, clothe, like/share social media posts of, and carry around in a palanquin a person who identifies as something other than what they were born
Get ready folks, it’s gonna be epic!
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://www.biomedcentral.com/collections/cmrcp
