Forensic Detectives turning to Comment Thread Participants for Help Solving Crime
Over the years, a multitude of criminal cases have flummoxed, baffled, confused, and downright beaten the police. Despite the hateful blanketed statements you see flying at the police from BLM and your trashy buddies who won’t stop speeding through town with “just a little weed” in their car, the majority of police officers are intelligent people who truly want to do well at their job and help protect society.
However, they are not omniscient and require a little assistance now and then. Gone are the days when, hoping against hope, police reach out to psychics and mediums. No, good people, they’ve found an extraordinary group far more powerful; comment thread participants (Threaders for short).
I mean, the evidence speaks for itself. Threaders know what really happened in a minutes-long altercation when only a few seconds have been recorded. Threaders can place themselves in the situation of a police officer and use their judgment to decide what the outcome should have been (exact opposite of what it was) and how often a white police officer is acting out of racial hatred (100% of the time). Threaders know what a celebrity is really thinking when they say one thing but mean another. They know-coincidentally based on their affiliations-whether or not a politician under scrutiny engaged in scandal, abuse of power, or criminal activities. They know someone’s motivations for saying something, thereby being able to bypass the inconvenient and obnoxious practice of taking someone at their word.
We here at Thirsty for Clicks are frankly at a loss as to how they do it. We spoke with Detective Kosech of the Chicago Police Department. After flashing our Thirsty for Clicks news badge and saying in a monotone voice “We’d like to ask you a few questions” (he wasn’t amused), he explained the process. He said that every threader has a person, topic, or thing that activates their power. That intrigued us.
“That sounds like mediums who have to be holding an artifact relevant to the event or be in the environment where the crime happened, yes?”
“Oh very much, yes. It’s in the same spiritual ballpark, at least. When we want to know what happened on crime scene, we video chat with them and show them the scene. We’ve got a regular stable of threaders on a rotation. When one can’t get their powers activated, we call in the next one, kind of like relief pitchers.”
“Wow, so if this is going to become a regular job, we should capitalize the title when we talk.”
“Sure thing. We’ve got a regular stable of Threaders.”
“Thanks! Do they have advanced notice on the call, or do they volunteer when they see the news story?”
“No, we call them almost as soon as we get to the address.”
“So, all hours of the night and day? Have you ever had someone not answer or be grumpy with you for waking them up?”
“No, we don’t mess with the casual threaders, hence the lower case “t”. People who steal a few minutes on the toilet to leave a nasty YouTube comment about the way Rihanna was dressed at an event people with a life of their own don’t really care about aren’t hardcore enough. Nor are single moms putting their baby daddy on blast and arguing with his family over whether or not he “ain’t shit”. We’re talking about the stay-at-homers. Folks for whom the need to argue and fix someone’s wrong opinions crosses over into the pathological. Folks who jobbed the system into getting BS social security disability so they could smoke weed and never go outside. Those are the ringers. Someone can’t have a lot going on when they constantly have to correct the opinions and thinking of total strangers as a profession. Plus, being on the go and using two thumbs to argue on your phone instead of your laptop is so inconvenient.”
“True, true. You mentioned activating their powers.”
“Yes, I did.”
“Please don’t interrupt. Tell us a little about that.”
“Well, when we video chat them and show them the scene, they are just a normal social media user. All we have to do is mention something or something they feel passionately about, know everything about, and feel comfortable wishing violence and death on those and the families of those who have the audacity to be wrong on the issue. We just need to know their personal favorites. We name the victim, perp, or scene after that topic, and they go into an angry trance where they are completely void of respect, manners, and awareness of the permanence of their words. That part of it is kind of obnoxious, but it’s necessary to get them going.”
“What are the most common topics?”
“You know, the normal polarizing people and things people argue about and dogmatically refuse to accept that there are nuances and complexities. Obama, Bush Jr., the two parties, LeBron James, the colors of a dress, guns, parents spanking their kids, abortion, welfare, capitalism, socialism, immigration, minimum wage, that sort of thing. People and things that for some reason these folks must rehash and incessantly argue about day after day on social media.”
“I notice you never mentioned Trump.”
“Oh, yes, we use him. Trump is our Holy Grail. We save our two most powerful Threaders for the most perplexing cases. You know, the ones with the least physical evidence, the ones where even the most trained eyes can’t catch a clue. That’s when we called in the big guns, and we bring them in simultaneously. One’s a dude from rural Alabama, the other a young lady from Portland, Oregon. You can fill in the blanks with your assumptions about their appearances, views, and normal moods. Believe me, the assumptions running through your head right now are all pretty accurate. They wish so many horrific things on each other, enjoy needling each other so much, get so mad at each other, their mutual psychic trance is given so much power that the actual crime plays in the minds of everyone involved. They both have to sleep for like, a week after that.”
"Wow. Good thing they don’t have regular jobs, then.”
“Yeah, I know, right?”
“So what big cases have you used these two on recently?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t divulge that information until they go to trial and become public record. I can say they are being considered for the Lady Gaga dog-napping. Half a million reward for a couple of mutts is a pretty good payday. Seems like animal lives are more important than human lives nowadays.”
“Ugh, don’t get me started or I might end up solving some crimes for you.”
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