Mariah Carey-"Liberal Entertainment Industry is Inherently Racist; Has to be Republicans' Fault"
Speaking to a magazine people of intelligence should avoid like the plague, Mariah Carey recently interviewed Cardi B about their industry; a common technique for aging stars who have run out of ideas and relevance. Among other topics these ladies may or may not have discussed (we here at Thirsty for Clicks scanned the article for the word “racist” and ignored the rest because we’re really having a hard time caring about what else these ladies had to say) was the “inherently racist” nature of the record and fashion industries. Citing lower pay than white artists and fashion moguls, they claimed this was unfair and due to racism considering the disparate scope between their comparative influences.
We here at Thirsty for Clicks just had to do some digging because a black person in the public eye accusing someone or something of racism happens so rarely that it’s quite a newsworthy event. We were able to land a phone interview with a CEO of a major record label who spoke on terms of anonymity.
Reporter: You read the interview of Cardi B, right?
CEO: No, I’m not able to read. You must read it to me.
Reporter: You can’t read? How did you reach a position of authority in a major corporation?
CEO: It’s not a prerequisite for being a record executive.
Reporter: (sighs in an exaggerated manner and reads the interview to CEO)
CEO: (Chuckles and looks side-to-side nervously) Our company and industry aren’t inherently racist. Where did you get such a crazy idea? You cray-crazy.
Reporter: Okay, instead of inherently, are they just racist?
CEO: SMOKE BOMB! (coughs and hacks)
Reporter: Did you just shout and then throw a smoke bomb in your office? (that’s when the line went dead)
We couldn’t reach Cardi B for comment but after being worn down by like, twenty or thirty phone calls from Mariah Carey, we finally agreed to interview her. The Socratic Method is usually used to trap a person in their contradictions and force them to reflect on their presuppositions. In the case of someone mentally incapable of reflection, the SM fell flat on its face.
Reporter: So do you know what “inherently” means?
Mariah: I read someone one time calling something inherently racist once and thought it sounded cool and smart-like. I’m fuzzy on the who, the when, and the what, but I do remember the phrase.
Reporter: The next few minutes of my life are going to be torture, aren’t they?
Mariah: Oh that’s definitely true.
Reporter: So we read how you feel the fashion and record industries are racist. That’s a strong way to describe something. Would you say the entertainment industry as a whole is racist?
Mariah: Yes, for sure.
Reporter: And who is responsible, or rather, who’s to blame for that?
Mariah: Conservatives, republicans, the alt-right, evangelical Christians, Karens, folks like Ben Shapiro, followers of Trump, and such.
Reporter: Wow, you checked off almost all of the standard lib-
Mariah: Oh, and straight, white males.
Reporter: There it is.
Reporter: Let’s break it down. People of what political and moral leanings make up the heads of the industries we’re discussing?
Mariah: Liberals, both political and moral liberals.
Reporter: Would you say there are just a few more of them or is it…
Mariah: Overwhelmingly liberal.
Reporter: And the agents signing and representing talent?
Mariah: Democrats and liberals.
Reporter: And the marketers, promoters, executives, all the way down the ladder to the guys in the mailroom?
Mariah: Same.
Reporter: And the artists and designers?
Mariah: You already know the answer to that.
Reporter: So I ask you again, who’s to blame for this industry being insidiously racist?
Mariah: Republicans and conservatives. Why’d you just roll your eyes and smack your forehead? Was there a fly there or something?
Reporter: Doesn’t the political makeup of the industry make you rethink your position on the matter?
Mariah: Rethink? Psh. Not this early in the day.
Reporter: So why not strike out on your own, as many artists have done, and make your own record label, production company, or fashion distributor?
Mariah: Because we’d just end up hiring liberals and democrats and republicans would make those new companies racist all over again. I’m a slave and oppressed just like my ancestors. I was ruminating on this as my chauffeur drove me around today. Do you validate parking?
Reporter: We’re on the phone. I presume you’re at your own office or home.
Mariah: Oh, right. Do you validate parking? What was that click? What’s that nonstop tone coming through the line?
Buy my book (link below) and smash that like button like you were smashing a racist founding father in his pantaloons with the business end of your non-gun choice weapon of violence.
Nathan Andrew Roberts won’t have a psychotic episode if you buy his book.
