For just $2/day, you can save a starving awards show.
Every year the Grammys, Emmys, Golden Globes, and Oscars have been trending, wait for it….down. They’ve been setting records each year, wait for it…records for low ratings. The ugly truth is that awards shows are suffering, and have been for years. No one seems to care. No one seems to want to help. These events are starving, for goodness sakes! And we can only distract celebrities with shiny objects and jingly keys for so long before they get wind of it. So we’ve started the strategically named Anti-Racist Gun Control Free Abortions for All African Foundation for Awards Show Survival and Trans Women are Women Awareness and Shouting Down Conservatives, or ARGCFAAAFASSTWWASDC for short. Don’t judge us if we missed a letter in the abbreviation; it’s a doozy.
So here’s the problem and here’s what we do. Each year, famous and rich people who don’t have particularly difficult jobs or even necessarily work fifty-two weeks a year deserve recognition and praise for the wonderful job they do making music about the turgidity/moistness (whichever applies) of their genitals and starring in message movies about lesbians who work as polar bear wet nurses that lose an enormous amount of money. We’re sure due to low advertising dollars spent. Perish the thought the general populace doesn’t want to see them. So the networks and other media decide to throw them a well-earned party. Sometimes, they have older people who used to make music about the turgidity/moistness of their genitals and star in movies about lesbians who work as polar bear wet nurses vote on who did the best job that year making music about the turgidity/moistness of their genitals and starring in movies about lesbians who work as polar bear wet nurses. Then the younger, attractive person who is voted as having done the best job making music about the turgidity/moistness of their genitals or starring in movies about lesbians who work as polar bear wet nurses are invited to perform their songs about the turgidity/moistness of their genitals at the awards ceremony and are handed an award. They tend to thank the other people who didn’t try as hard as they did that year making music about the turgidity/moistness of their genitals or starring in movies about lesbians who work as polar bear nurses, the people who helped them make this high and lauded art, but not God or the fans who spend their hard-earned money keeping this person rich and famous. Naturally, anyone reading this can see the absolute necessity of keeping these awards shows going. But with sinking ratings, advertising dollars plummet. When advertising dollars plummet, viewers don’t get to hear what horrible racists they are (well, at least the white ones). That’s where our foundation comes in.
You see, if every one of the three-hundred-seventy million American citizens donated just two dollars a day, we can keep them going. Two dollars times three-hundred-sixty-five days times three-hundred-seventy million is like…(calculating)…a lot of money. That would mean celebrities can keep giving bulls$%& awards to their friends, they can continue acting sanctimoniously on issues like human trafficking and domestic violence (despite being more statistically guilty than the general population on both matters), they can continue fighting racism and sermonizing to us about racism (despite the entertainment industry being one of the most racist entities to ever exist), and continue being hilariously out of touch. Won’t you help?
We caught up and talked with a prolific pop star who spoke on conditions of her name being known but after reading and reflecting on her words a little bit, we decided to keep it anonymous.
“Thanks for spearheading our foundation and operations.”
“You betcha. What are we doing?”
“You know, the whole thing about you getting on stage and creepily flaunting your sexuality at the next awards program.”
“Oh yeah. So we celebrities need to reconnect with the common man. How do you think we do that?”
“Calling them ‘the common man’ certainly can’t help.”
“Well, I happen to think that they need to put in the work. I mean, we do such good humanitarian work like for charities and stuff, and we tell the common man what trashy, racist pieces of s$&% they are on a regular basis, that you can clearly see we’re doing our part.”
“I’m getting uncomfortable with this interview, and having second thoughts about being affiliated with this foundation.”
“I mean, I’m sure you’ve all been in a situation where you and your friends all do the exact same job and are all together eating decadent food and getting drunk on a Sunday night and are giving each other awards to each other for doing such a great job at the same job and flirting with and groping each other and you’re streaming it on Facebook live and you realize barely anyone is watching your stream. I mean, you can relate to the sinking nature of that feeling and experience, right?”
“I really wish I had a snappy response to that but it’s such an incredible sentence that I’m totally flummoxed at the moment, so I’m just going to print what you said and let it marinate for a bit.”
“Well, how would you like it if you weren’t able to do that anymore, or if you stubbornly continued to do that, but no one would listening. You wouldn’t feel to good about that, right?”
“Whom are you addressing?”
“The common man who gives his friends awards and streams it on Facebook live.”
“It’s just us in this room.”
“Oh, I thought this was being recorded and broadcast. I was about to start singing about the moistness of my genitals.”
“Please don’t.”
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end world poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Oscar image taken from:
https://www.britannica.com/art/Academy-Award
