Michigan man escapes zombie virus by sitting down at restaurant table
Have you ever met a remarkable person or witnessed a remarkable event so mind shattering, you question your very grasp on reality? Stay tuned. I mean, keep reading. “Stay tuned” suggests you’re passive in this transaction, and words from an article don’t absorb through osmosis.
Terry Smadger was faced with an untenable situation recently. He was running dangerously low on gas while driving the wide open spaces and farm country of mid-Michigan. He had done that "I’ll get off at the next exit because I’m making great time” routine most guys have engaged in whilst road tripping. Well, that time had come, and he was forced to get off.
Turns out, the town he stopped in was overrun by the Walk…Shambling Expired. What happened next is nothing short of a miracle. We’ll let the man tell it in his own words while trying not to interrupt.
“See, I got off I-75 and pulled up to the Sunoco station. Usually I stop at Speedway because I love their breakfast sandwiches (doesn’t it seem like Speedway’s the one gas station with their s$*@ together nowadays?) but their gas was two cents more expensive and I’m a bargain-hound. I gets out of my truck and ran some cash in and gives it to the cashier.”
“You don’t use pay at the pump?”
“No, I have this weird ability to know exactly how much gas my car needs, rounded to the closest dollar, of course. I mean, I’m not like, a genius. Anyways, I come out and see this giant group of zombies down the road.”
“Were they the slow zombies like from Romero early movies, the fast zombies like from Snyder’s remake, berserker zombies like 28 Days Later, zombies like the ones from that fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie that weren’t really zombies at all, halfway smart zombies from Romero’s underrated Land of the Dead that communicate with each other in rudimentary grunts, or some altogether new sort of zombie that we haven’t seen before?”
“Like, all of them combined. It was freaky. I was s%*#@ing my pants. They were down the street but that’s only a couple seconds away for the fast and berserker ones. I knew I couldn’t get to my car and fuel it up in time, and I didn’t want to get inside it and just get trapped when I ran out of gas, so I had to think quickly. I’ve always been a quick thinker, so I applied COVID pandemic thinking to the dilemma. Next door to the gas station was an all-night diner. And then it just hit me. Using the logic of Governor Whitmer and her COVID mandates, I pulled up my mask and booked it over there. One of the fast ones caught up to me and bit my arm. I fought him off, ran through the door, and saw that it wasn’t busy inside, so there was no hostess and so the sign that says “Please wait to be seated” was flipped around to the “Please seat yourself” side. I thanked Christ for that. All this time, I could feel my arm going numb where that S.O.B. bit me and my life was flashing before my eyes and it finally dawned on me that I should have totally asked Chrissy Teveit out because she was totally sending me signals in senior year. So then I picked a booth (because I’m an extrovert but not an obnoxious one) and ran over, taking off my mask once I had sat down. What do you know, but my arm regained feeling again. What’s more, some of the Land of the Dead zombies who had managed to figure out how to open the door and they were flooding in. They tore through the two waitresses and the dudes in the kitchen, but totally ignored me and a couple other customers sitting at tables. It was like, some kind of miracle. I was amazed for a little bit, then sat and watched videos on my phone until they left. The gas station and restaurant, so I did what anyone would do.”
“What’s that?”
“I boosted some cash from the drawers and some free snacks, then hightailed it out of there. Ever since, I’ve tested out this method, like a million times. I travel around with a restaurant table on a trailer. Whenever I have unprotected sex, eat some bad food, break my leg jumping off tall things, hug a leper, I just sit at the table and heal myself.”
“Kind of like Link in the Zelda games when he’s dying an visits a fairy cave?”
“Yeah, or like Thor when he touches Stormbreaker in Infinity War, if you’re looking for a less nerdy, more current reference.”
“So you’re living quite the life now!”
“Yeah, I owe Gretchen Whitmer and her COVID mandates all the credit and many thanks. I’m about to go make my move with Chrissy from senior year. I found out her boyfriend was cheating on her. If she shoots me down, I’ll sit at the table. I want to see if it works on emotional damage.”
“You heard? So you’ve kept in touch?”
“Well, no, but I follow her on the Gram with a different name.”
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Picture taken from:
https://www.abc4.com/news/digital-exclusives/will-nostradamus-predictions-come-true-just-in-case-the-cdc-offers-tips-to-survive-a-zombie-apocalypse/
