Help me teach pretty boys on Tiktok how to change a tire and do other manful tasks
Tyler. Hunter. Devin. Taylor. Dakota. Trent. Chase. Cameron. Say their names. Victims, each and every one of them. Victims of parents who used these and other stereotypical pretty white boy names to cultivate a son bereft of any practical skills. Victims of a society that is increasingly telling young “men” it’s okay to spend more time on their hair and evening attire than their girlfriend does on hers. Victims of a social media video app that lets poor, misguided souls think lip syncing to a song someone with actual talent wrote constitutes “making content”. Victims of too many boy bands being accepted as viable music. Victims of the idea that one can do the pouty smolder in a photo AND be taken seriously. Say their names.
It’s not just their parents’ fault. Sorry, zeitgeist, but women as a group aren’t beyond reproach. If the time comes that the American Psychological Association puts in their annual review that they’ve scientifically proven that women are indeed beyond reproach, I’ll pre-cancel myself. Until then, they must share some of the blame.
How? I don’t remember me and my bros buying millions of records put out by The Backstreet Boys, their upgraded version; N Sync, their blue-collar-look-at-you-try-so-hard version; 98 Degrees, their variant that came from that little island of bad teeth that once ruled the world; One Direction, or the various other groups that actually had young men of color in them (someone needs to investigate into just how racist boy band managers are because they all seem to be formed with the idea that we’ve time-warped back to Jim Crow era Alabama).
A lot of Coreys and Tophers saw these girls swooning like crazed flies when a cow has dropped a fresh load of crap over boys who would rather dance in unison than play an instrument and said “Me too”. So these Xanders and Xaviers eschewed the idea that one has to have a personality to be interesting or a skill to make money and took up the mantle as late-90’s boy bands hit middle age and started having to worry about ear hair and not having the same get-up-and-go as they did when being wet in a white button down shirt for a music video was still a thing. Here’s the problem though. Aging pop stars tend to have residual monies coming in and savings from their time at the top. They can afford to pay a less beautiful man to hang their drywall and turn a wrench on their car. TikTok has tens of thousands of personalities and only so much ad money to throw at Beaus and Trentons to have them hocking personal grooming items in videos most normal people can’t swipe past fast enough once they see the “paid advertisement” notification in our never-ending search for more hilarious videos of moody and obese women pitching massive fits in restaurants. And you can assume from the jump that Raphaels and Connors smiled, posed, giggled, flirted, and coasted their way through reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic.
I don’t condone it, but the dancing, lip syncing, vapid ladies on Tiktok have Only Fans to go to when they need some cash. Sorry Dylan, but softcore porn is a young woman’s game. No one’s going to pay to watch you beating off to pictures of yourself at the gym or in your prom tux.
So where does that leave all the Spencers and Blakes once the women who have a head on their shoulders realize that rugged, bearded, blue-collar men who don’t mind getting dirty and can run a chainsaw are the sexiest and most reliable variety? Penniless. Homeless. Hair product-less. Popping and locking in a sad rainfall like so many…slugs. Heathens. Slug-heathens. But you can help.
For you see, I dream of opening a school for these castoffs and losers-in-training. It’ll be like a second go-around in high school. Not so much an alternative high school. Heavens, those boys wouldn’t survive the first day in one of those. Give to my GoFundMe, and I can teach these boys practical life skills like checking the oil and shoeing a horse, along with essential life concepts like the following:
You’re the last line of defense against spiders. You can’t flail your hands wildly, scream “kill it!”, and expect someone else to do something about it without laughing you to scorn.
Black isn’t the manly color of nail polish because there is no manly color of nail polish.
Men dancing in unison never changed the world, and it only changes the lives of those select few lucky enough to knock up a sleazy female pop star but that in turn hurts the lives of the poor kids unfortunate enough to be born in that metaphorical trailer park.
Real women flirt with the Justin Timberlakes but marry the Harrison Fords.
It’s possible to age gracefully and not vainly hide it with copious amounts of Just for Men.
A full beard is much less an aesthetic choice than a pencil jawline beard, which is basically beauty makeup for men.
You don’t need to be on a first-name basis with your barber, manicurist, or pedicurist.
You don’t need a manicurist or pedicurist.
You do need a chiropractor and a gastroenterologist. It is fine to be on a first name basis with the former, a little weird to be with the latter.
Your barber is not a stylist. She’s a barber. You will address her as such. You will not make an appointment ahead of time, and you will not spend the whole haircut talking about yourself.
That engine grease will come right out with a little orange pumice hand cleaner.
Yes, we know the orange pumice hand cleaner totally dries out your hands but you’re not allowed to “moisturize” until you know all the physical work for the day is over.
You’re no longer allowed to say “moisturize”. Only acceptable alternatives remain. They are “I need to get some Vaseline” or “May I borrow some lotion?”.
If you ever get married, you may dance again at the ceremony. Remember, dancing with your wife is about making her look good, not showing off your “sick skills”.
And more…
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://tiktoktip.com/cute-tiktok-boys/
