Bezos building Amazon hub in space to evade even more taxation
In the fall of 2016—from November to March to be exact—I worked as an Uber driver on nights and weekends because teachers are paid like, a bag of Skittles and a piece of string for their services. While I never had one of those recordable viral encounters with any—how do I put this nicely?—drunk bitches, I do still have a few stories to tell. An Albanian group of friends hopped in my car and wanted to enjoy a spliff. I told them I had kids and didn’t want my car smelling like that. They offered me $50, saying they’d open the windows and make do with the cold. Being a poor single father and teacher whose hard work was constantly rewarded with more hard work with a heaping side of scorn, beratement, and constructive criticism, this really wasn’t even a choice. The leader of the group laughed at his friend after I accepted the money and said something in his native tongue. Being rusty in my Albanian from never having taken Albanian, I asked what he said. He responded “It’s an Albanian proverb. Money makes water run uphill”. That stuck with me.
Fast forward to Jeff Bezos. He’s taken up part the mantle of space tourism ever since NASA’s whiny baby welfare queens stopped being fed inordinate amounts of taxpayer money, along with one-upping Richard Branson’s flight to space by several miles in a competition that screams diminutive phallus (pepper in the giggle-inducing shape of his rocket ship and this joke writes itself). I’m sure while he was up there he paid some cosmic entity to pelt him with gamma rays so he could acquire all of the Fantastic Four’s powers, then come back to earth and remind we peasants just how unfair life and the distribution of wealth is on this temporal plane.
He took his brother with him (insert joke about ne’er-do-well relative who won’t get his life together, sucks at the teat of his sibling’s achievements, and tags along because he can’t be trusted to watch his brother’s house without stealing stuff and pawning it to feed his crack addiction), an eighteen-year-old student (insert joke about teenager getting bored on the trip and posting space selfies on the Gram for the expressed purpose of getting laid), and a really old female astronaut finally getting her chance to travel after her mission was canceled back in the day (insert…a whole lot of jokes from a wide variety of comedic angles). This trip is just a precursor of greater things to come, however.
Replace “things” with “money” and “greater” with “mountains of”. I’ve seen inside the minds of men who worship money. They can’t get enough of it, and they also can’t help themselves from taking advantage of an obscenely complex tax code to avoid paying taxes so the Democrats they support financially can make the tax code even more complex, then egg on their constituency to vilify these rich guys and foment class warfare without realizing that it’s possible to build your own wealth in this great country so that they continue voting for Democrats who encourage their constituency to continue living in victim mentality and lie to said constituency about seizing and redistributing wealth of said rich guys who support them. It’s quite the circle of liberal life. I’m positive Bezos wants to build a hub in space.
It makes sense, after all. Out there, he doesn’t have to buy property or have it zoned for commercial use. Who wants the bother of all that paperwork when you can find a couple dozen million dollars under your couch cushions and catapult a boring-looking warehouse with your logo into the heavens? There’s literally endless…space in space, which is possibly why it’s called space. He could teleport his warehouse workers up there and make them buy their own spacesuits and oxygen supply. He could look down on the earth and really put some serious work into his rich-guy-God-complex. He could watch other humans walking around with a telescope that’s shorter than his arm’s length, put his hand in front of the lens, and pretend he’s squishing them with his thumb and forefinger. He could help me keep an eye on those shifty Portuguese. I don’t trust them. They’ve been awful quiet lately. He could work with Bruce Wayne on a Justice League-esque Zeus cannon and shoot our Prime packages straight to our houses, possibly even leaving that cool Asgardian design on the lawn like Thor does when he rides his rainbow bridge. He could work with aforementioned cosmic entity and magically contrive a way to pay even less than zero taxes. He could take the concept of unregulated international waters to its horrifying logical extreme and shoot heroin into a monkey while making orphans fight Pit Bulls in a dusty ring and getting a hand job from a leprechaun. Money makes it happen.
Whatever he does, I’m sure it’ll anger people on all points of the political spectrum because private property isn’t really private anymore and everyone knows what everyone else should do with their time, money, and resources to better the lives of others while they simultaneously do nothing to better the lives of others with their time, money, and resources. I’ll go back to being quietly covetous of Bezos and console myself with the fact that I have a couple things he doesn’t; namely a magical head of luscious hair and full custody of my children.
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Image taken from:
https://www.businessinsider.com/watch-live-jeff-bezos-blue-origin-space-launch-2021-7
