Liberal parents sing praises of Antonio Brown and his wild tantrums
Throw your jersey in the stands if you were born in a house without consequences. Mind you, we’re not telling you, merely asking. I don’t see it as a reason to get upset. Why are you stomping your feet? Why are you holding your breath? You’re liable to pass out. Why are you plugging your ears? Why are you lying down on the floor and making me look foolish in the grocery store? I don’t think a simple request is worth the emotional energy you’re putting into pitching this fit. Why are you cussing at me and punching me repeatedly in the chest? Please don’t do that, my sweet, sweet treasure. Would a candy bar and a new video game console get you to stop acting out?
I can conclude with the evidence presented that Antonio Brown was raised in a home just such as this, and that’s the comedic premise we’re running with for our fake interviews and thought piece today. Just like Ned Flanders’ beatnik parents, his folks must have tried nothing and were constantly out of ideas. “Showing your whole ass” is a popular phrase describing someone who acts out or says something dumb in public. Brown stripped down in the middle of a football game and ran around waving to fans, showing off more than just his whole ass. Credit where it’s due, he’s got biceps and a forty-yard time Batman would die for. Tom Brady and other teammates gave nervous, noncommittal, vanilla responses in the postgame interviews which show they’ve more than likely at some point been threatened with a razorblade AB pulled from his jockstrap.
Poser gangsta rappers would be envious of his rap sheet. Dude’s got so many pending criminal and civil cases it’s a wonder he doesn’t have to shuffle court appointments around on account of being double-booked. “Your honor, how’s the 17th? My whole morning is clear but after that these legal matters really kick into high gear and fitting you in (if it please the court) would be a nightmare.” Actual audio from his indictment hearing for launching those baby sea turtles from the catapult he had installed on Tom Brady’s roof without asking beforehand but which he assures us Tom was cool with once Antonio put him in a devastating Full Nelson hold.
After interviewing the likes of Terrell Owens, Keyshawn Johnson, Joe Horn, Chad Ochocinco, and other attention whore wide receivers, Thirsty for Clicks found out prima donnas who share Brown’s position feel as if he didn’t take things far enough. They thought he missed an opportunity not having incorporated props like a party hat, streamers, noisemakers, and a brightly colored SUV; recklessly driven through a crowd, into the display. Meanwhile, Jerry Rice was somewhere quietly sitting down to a nice dinner with his family, shaking his head at these younger whippersnappers and their sassy attitudes, and being a better wide receiver at the age of fifty-nine than most could think about being in their physical prime.
We then searched for the opinion of a professional educator, school teachers and administrators being the resident experts on behavior management of the childish and broken people some parents feel it’s okay to foist upon the rest of us and release into the wild at age eighteen. Speaking to a high school principal who demanded they remain anonymous on account of it always sounding clandestine and cool when a news outlet says that, we got a little more insight into the matter.
“This is textbook self-destructive ADHD behavior. He clearly is a young man who can’t sit still, enjoy a drama-free life, or healthily cope with his feelings in the moment a conflict arises. Aggregate this display with the constant problems and run-ins he has with authority, his friends, people who wish for their private property to be respected, and women who desire sexual agency and the ability to be taken seriously when they say “no”, and I’m of the mind he suffers from bipolar disorder, with maybe a dash of multiple personalities.
He would have been a perfect candidate for chemical zombification from 9th-12th grades in lieu of asking him to work on himself as a person; that being the easier and quicker of the two options, albeit more of a short term solution until he’s not our problem anymore. Have you heard him exercise his pathetic language skills? That’s someone who actually went through college, if you can believe it. Someone in his life didn’t hold him to any type of academic or scholastic standard and handled him with kid gloves, hoping his athletic ability would one day pan out and he not be left to fend for himself in this job market with the underwhelming cognitive and interpersonal skills.
It’s apparent he never got told ‘no’, never had anything withheld, and was probably worshipped the minute his above average athleticism started manifesting. His being black, I’d be surprised if they didn’t ingrain in his mind the idea that objective answers in math and science were white supremacy. I’d say that makes the folks who ministered to him in his youth the typical educators in this wonderful system we enlightened liberals have built and therefore they did an exemplary job.
Were he my student I’d make him sit through a bevy of literature and science classes far above his skill level, fudge his grades to keep him eligible for sports all four years of high school, name-drop him when attempting to recruit other premier athletes to our program, and continue the cycle of placing sports above academics while silently crossing my fingers I didn’t add to the alarming and nagging problem of the black school-to-prison pipeline that everybody feels like sermonizing about but no one in power really feels like tackling. For myself, I was actually tossing Adderall tablets at the TV screen while he was putting on that display and refusing to modulate his behavior. I sometimes mix up real life with what’s happening on the screen.”
Wow. Just wow. Had to sit down for a five count after taking all that in. We didn’t even feel like interviewing some stereotypical permissive liberal parents after this one. But then we reread our title and realized we’ve got some narrative tidying up to do. We here at Thirsty for Clicks are suckers for punishment and don’t like comedic loose ends. You as the reader deserve more than that. Not much more (you very well know what you did), but more. Spacy, vapid Instagram influencer and privileged stay-at-home birthing person Moonbow Pretentious Moniker gave us a blow-by-blow of the footage once she was finished doxing some random dude who disagreed with her on the subject of spanking in a comment thread:
“Here we have the strong, beautiful black man confronting his ugly, racist, cisgender coach; Bruce Arians and speaking truth to power in the only way he knows how, with wild gesticulation and to-and-fro pacing (much like the caged tiger secretly plotting his revenge against his zookeeper captors). The advance and retreat makes it so Arians has no chance to hold a normal, calm conversation. This is a good thing—for you see—without justice there can be no peace.”
“I’m sorry, but have to ask. What does race have to do with any of this?”
“Race is always a factor, and only the most privileged of whiteys could ask that question or dream about disagreeing with me. If I may continue? (sarcastically) Thanks. Now one of his teammates is trying to restrain him from taking off his uniform and equipment.”
“That’s Mike Evans. He’s a star receiver. You don’t know who he is?”
"I don’t watch football and I don’t allow my husband too either.”
“Why not? It’s America’s most popular sport.”
“My goodness, so many reasons. It rewards strength, speed, skill, and toughness. My simpering beta of a life partner can’t be allowed to get any toxically masculine ideas in his head. They label (shudders) winners and losers instead of participators. In this house, winners are finishers. We allow our kids self-determination except in the case of competitive sports. If my sons decide they’re girls at age nine, we’d be happy to put them on testosterone blockers and encourage them to chop off their genitals someday, but we won’t allow football in this house. And if they join a competitive sport as women, we’ll be happy they’ve affirmed their gender as they dominate (shudders) ‘biological females’ so-called in a sport, but we’d rather they join a movement and become professional protestors or some other worthy calling.”
“Like influencer?”
“Hush up now. Anyway, Evans is asking him to be reasonable and stay on the team, not understanding he’s suffering from internalized racism, and that by throwing off his jersey of the Tampa Bay Buckeroos, Brown is symbolically throwing off the oppression and suffering of white supremacy. I laud and praise the beautiful display of self-expression. I’m sure he was channeling his soulful ancestors who used tribal dance as a means of conveying a wide range of emotions, including anger and rage.”
“How can you even tell this is part of the thinking process?”
“I’m a staunch Democrat. ‘Tis my lot in life to think for black people.”
“But all the money Brown is losing out on by acting a mess in public!”
“He, like me, understands that capitalist money is a tool of white oppression and that billionaires shouldn’t exist. Hundred-millionaires for that matter, either.”
“Aren’t you and your husband multi-millionaires through his career in manufacturing management and your hocking overpriced beauty products on the Gram?”
“Multi-millionaires, yes, but not hundred-millionaires. By the time we are, the moral goalposts on that issue will have moved so I can live with a free and clear conscience. That’s a perk of being a staunch Democrat. Oh hi honey! How was school?”
“Eat my left cheek, Victoria. And then make me some cookies.”
“Now sweetie, we discussed calling mommy by her dirty, racist, colonizing Anglican name. It’s ‘Moonbow’, ‘mom’, or ‘birthing parent’. I’ve told you this a bunch of times but I acknowledge and praise your decision to respectfully decline.”
“Once you’re done chewing on the left one, my bathroom needs a lot of work, (mockingly) VICTORIA. Someone took a blowtorch to like…everything in there because someone was bored because someone is tired of waiting on Amazon to fill their backorders for PlayStation 5’s and someone is taking it out on their birthing parent with the dumb name. Make with the cookies, beeeeotch.” (stomps upstairs after leaving his coat, shoes, and backpack strewn about the floor)
(laughs nervously as she picks up his effects) “He’s seven. I can’t wait to celebrate his gender affirmation event so I can personally chop his balls off. Oopsie Doopsie. Birthing parent said that one out loud. Please leave my domicile this minute if you don’t mind. I’ve got some bad thoughts about not sparing the rod on my child to work out before I have to get on the Twitters and cancel myself.”
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Image taken from:
https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2022/jan/03/antonio-brown-bizarre-exit-tampa-bay
