VP Harris conducting open staff interviews; must love toxic work environments
Staffers are bolting left and right because they’re stupid haters and she didn’t want them anyway and they’re not getting their personal coffee mugs from the office kitchen back. Check out the job listing below. Open interviews every day this administration isn’t really doing their job (take a guess which day that is, show up unannounced, and you’ll probably be right).
Required experience:
Three years minimum of taking it super easy on those who step outside the laws of civilization
Five years experience developing unhealthy coping skills like biting one’s tongue and aggressive swallowing of feelings as a result of working under underqualified, emotionally capricious, and incompetent bosses. Functional alcoholics welcome to apply.
In possession of a more annoying cackle than your boss (yes, this is saying a lot but there’s a problem with her as far as optics goes and she really could use a win and you’d make it easier on her to look good if your voice and laugh were really nasally and grating).
At least six instances of wild disregard for checks and balances on power
A clean record as regards never having filed a lawsuit for a handsy boss-of-a-boss. Wink and shake your left foot to signify you understand.
Three years fudging budgets and keeping two sets of books for any organized entity of fifty persons or more
More than one thorough reading of Shakespeare’s The Tragedy of Macbeth and understanding of how to cleverly usurp position and power from that one guy whom we won’t name but I think you know who it is and his name rhymes with Foe Striden who is really too old, feeble, and senile to properly meet the arduous demands of this job and we’re just biding our time until the moment is ripe but you didn’t hear that from me (but you really did because he’s been a real hassle lately and we don’t even care anymore).
All male applicants—no matter their alma mater—have to have pledged the Beta Beta Beta fraternity in college. No exceptions or discussion on the matter.
One year experience organizing and blatantly disregarding spending budgets for galas, soirees, museum/monument openings, and other important ceremonial pomp (and possibly even circumstance)
Tangible evidence of wheeling and/or dealing with Big Tech and liberal social media outlets as regards silencing, de-platforming, and suppressing conservative voices. We’ve got a 1st amendment to mold in our own image here, people! And our ideas are so atrociously bad, the message isn’t going to massage itself in something palatable without our hard work.
Required skills:
Fluency in Orwellian doublespeak. For instance, the border cages of the Donald Trump era are now referred to as “hospitality pods”. Were Donald Trump to be reelected in 2024 (we’re pretty sure he will be seeing as how we’ve been handling things), they shall revert back to the label “cages”.
Can lay the race card down at the drop of a hat no matter how weak and feeble the connection of the current discussion to race
Can make the unexpected death of the person symbolically holding the job you’re in line for look like an accident
Blind acceptance of inconsistent, Draconian austerity measures and arbitrary mandates (loosely enforced for the ruling class) put in place in response to Coronavirus so we can keep our desperate hold on one more day’s intoxicating fix of power
Can put an expert spin and brave face on plummeting and (frankly) embarrassing ratings.
Can quickly shut the door when another frustrated staffer inevitably walks out in a huff. We don’t like drafts and we’re not heating the outside.
Room to hang a pantsuit in your car while making sure it stays pressed and wrinkle-free in the event of a wildly sprayed POTUS incontinence-related emergency.
Heavy ties to BLM a must! We can’t stress this one enough. They’re the media darling du jour and you’ve got to be able to work with them, along with spinning any of their wrongdoings and property damage back to Republicans.
Acceptance (even reluctant is allowed) of the fact that you no longer may maintain a private life. You are subject to every whim of the VP’s person, no matter how outlandish and intrusive. Example: if she calls you in the middle of the night on a crying jag over some romantic escapade gone wrong, you’d better be at her house in double time with the chocolate and tissues.
Eager obedience to the all gossip, all passive aggressiveness, all active aggressive, all fussing and cussing, all effing and jeffing, all the time nature of this putrid mess of a work situation you’ve signed up to support and handle
Preferred skills:
Desire to sleep your way to the top in emulation of your boss is acceptable so long as you can keep your trifling ish on the downlow.
Any experience and skill in geriatric care will be given preferential consideration
Go-getters, self-starters, freethinkers, movers, shakers, hustlers, and those who take responsibility for their own lives need not apply. Mamala don’t ‘low that. Know your role and stay in your lane.
Visceral reaction and self-induced vomiting when Fox News or Donald Trump come up in conversation.
Ability to bandy about corporate buzzwords and phrases like “keep you posted” and “synergize” and have it mean absolutely nothing.
Enthusiastic belief that government can solve any human problem and end all suffering, except for the problems and suffering it knowingly and (sometimes deliberately) creates. Interview points given for enthusiasm that borders on religious zeal. A concomitant belief that all capitalists are evil, exploitative, and oppressive will be given preferential consideration.
You can have a law degree but make sure you don’t rub your marks in anyone’s face if you did better than Kamala on the bar exam. She’s quite petty and insecure so be cool about it.
No provable ties to billionaire sex traffickers preferred, but seeing as this is Washington D.C., the presence of ties will be evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
Willingness to lie through your teeth and give glowing reviews when discussing your experience in this workplace with the media upon your eventual and abrupt departure
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Image taken from:
https://www.foxnews.com/politics/harris-staffer-leaves-for-capitol-hill-amid-wave-of-departures-from-vps-office
