The Nick Cannon School of Manners and Etiquette
We all have situations where we need to use tact and speak carefully. Nick Cannon was given the chance to speak carefully on the biological and evolutionary history of Caucasians (a subject I’m sure we can all agree he has unparalleled expertise in), and he spoke with such tact and care, one would think he missed his calling as a diplomat. Would you like to be on the same level of couth, smoothness, and suave, debonair wit as Nick Cannon? Enroll in his six-week course, and you can.
Nick started out announcing and introducing people with actual talent on a talent show that you shouldn’t watch if you appreciate good television. Due to right-wing cancel culture he then lost his job on another television show where he critiques and leads through a series of challenges people who also have talent greater than his.
But, he has persevered and regained his job on Wild ‘N Out because he’s…well…you know (don’t make us say it). The remarks, which you can judge for yourself (heaven knows leftists won’t judge him for them) below cost him his employment situation for only a short while. He spoke them on a podcast which would probably be a tedious listen if you’re a person of intelligence. One wonders if he even had time to get to the unemployment office before he was rehired. Here’s what he said:
We call it soul. Soul brothers and sisters. That’s the melanin that connects us. So the people that don’t have it, and I’m going to say this carefully, are a little less.”
“When they didn’t have the power of the sun, the sun then started to deteriorate them, so then they’re acting out of fear, they’re acting out of low self-esteem, they’re acting out of a deficiency,” he continued. “So, therefore, the only way that they can act is evil. They have to rob, steal, rape, kill … in order to survive. […] They had to be savages, they had to be barbaric, because they’re in these Nordic mountains, they’re in these rough … environments, so they’re acting as animals. So they’re the ones that are actually closer to animals; they’re the ones that are actually the true savages.”
See the care and tact he practiced there? It’s practically oozing from the page. White people in general, and Jewish people in particular, were unjustifiably offended by all this. We say unjustifiably, because we on the left have taken away their right to be offended and probably won’t ever give it back. So there. Plus, no blood, no foul is the code of the streets, and we here at Thirsty for Clicks desperately wish we were from the streets so we wouldn’t have to get a cosigner for our street cred.
But now, you can use Nick Cannon’s style no matter the situation or context. Say you’re confronted with a coworker who disagrees with you on a trifling matter. Using the Nick Cannon Professional Conflict method, you could say something like:
“Pound sand out of my cubicle, before I tell the boss that you’ve been sexually harassing me, and beat the absolute mess out of your pointy head”.
That should dispel the problem with all dispatch. Or have you ever been civilly debating a political issue with someone on the other end of the spectrum? This calm, collected methodology could almost always be employed.
Kick them in the shin or groin area.
Pull out your phone and start recording (but only after you’ve assaulted them, making sure not to admit your assault on camera).
Insult the intelligence and scruples of their mother (you can’t go wrong saying something like “Your mama got an Only Fans with two subscribers, and your daddy one of them”).
Wish rape and death on their wife/daughter (if you’re discussing the issue of abortion).
Don’t just say the following. Don’t just raise your voice. Don’t just shout. Scream (the shriller the better) any combination of “fascist, racist, homophobe”, or “Islamophobe”. If they’re white, you’re already at an advantage and can throw down identity politics without any notice or forethought. And that card gets more powerful if the adjectives “straight”, “Christian”, and “male” are in play.
The more you mix in “a**hole” and “little d#%k energy”, the better. Remember, “f*#@ you!” is a perfectly acceptable form of debate.
Ever been rejected by a pretty girl? She’s sure to recognize the error of her ways with this little exchange of ideas.
“Don’t nobody want your stinky p$%**y anyway, ho b#*%^. Go home to your broke-a@@ baby daddy and wash the stank out your a&& and mouth, dumb skank. Probably a carpet-muncher who got the herpes anyway.”
If she turns you down, she’s automatically gay. There’s no other rational reason for not handing over her phone number. If she’s not a lesbian, she’ll eventually figure out what kind of champion she’s missing out on and regret it. And never forget, women love being equated to a female dog. They can’t get enough of it.
Have you ever been invited to a fancy dinner with fancy people and just not felt fancy enough? Anecdotes at the table about the size of your penis, the number of sexual partners someone’s wife has had, stories from your youth involving gratuitous bodily fluids proceeding from various orifices, and detailed descriptions of how you would wreck the genitals of various Hollywood starlets are all surefire, can’t-miss ways of ensuring a lively, yet dignified time.
The missus catching you cheating can always be a delicate situation. Remember fellas, she’s hurt, and must be treated with all possible gentility. You have to honor her emotions and allow them their natural healing process. You can speed up said process with romantic gems like. “I was extra careful to make sure you wouldn’t find out, so you going the extra mile to follow me around shows a lack of trust on your part”, “I’m doing you a favor, seeing as you be tired sometimes”, “It’s a compliment because none of them were more than a six, and that allows me to appreciate the seven I’ve got at home even better”, “I was always careful to wrap it up, so you don’t have to worry about me having kids all over town or burning you with an STD. You’re welcome for that”, “I feel like less of a man when you call me on my alcoholism and unemployed status, so this is really your fault, when you think about it”, “I didn’t know we couldn’t do that”, and the always reliable oldie-but-a-goodie “I never meant to hurt you”.
You’re not to blame. You don’t need to take responsibility for something you didn’t cause. Everyone who disagrees with you lacks intelligence and is ripe for having whatever applicable racial epithet thrown in their face. You’ll face tense situations that you didn’t cause, but with the Nick Cannon School of Manners and Etiquette, you can defuse any problems…you big, dumb, ugly idiot.
Buy my book (link below) and smash that like button like you were smashing a racist founding father in his pantaloons with the business end of your non-gun choice weapon of violence.
Nathan Andrew Roberts wrote this while he was supposed to be focused on his day job and its horribly boring duties.
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