Netflix documentary exposes reckless online behavior; millions continue same behavior
It’s been kind of a slow news week, so we’re talking about a frickin’ documentary on Thirsty for Clicks right now, because we’re thirsty for clicks, and scamming people into paying for sensationalized stories from a pseudo-journalistic website sure beats getting a real job and helping people solve problems. That idea actually kind of skeeves me out.
Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel debuted on Netflix recently. On top of its title being able to drop the first instance of “the” without losing meaning, it’s getting a lot of attention, otherwise I wouldn’t bother writing about it. I’m a coattail kind of person, so deal with it. It’s about the disappearance of Elisa Lam; a Canadian-Chinese student traveling in Los Angeles. Her ethnicity has no bearing whatsoever on the plot or mystery, but you know how we in the media are nowadays. Her vanishing is solved in the second of four episodes, but I was able to power through all four because I’ve not a lot else going on, much like the subject of the folks we’re going to talk about today; internet sleuths.
What are they? Who are they? To what extent are they? Under what circumstances are they? We’ll answer those questions today as we sit down with one of them and try to ignore the uncouth manners and poor personal hygiene for as long as we possibly can. Of particular interest is the cadre of YouTubers and trolls who made it their mission to destroy the life of a death metal rocker named Morbid.
Reporter: Thanks for sitting down with us today. I’m sure this won’t be a drag for either of us. Can I get your name for the record?
Internet Sleuth: Jason McMindeveryoneelse’sbusiness.
Reporter: Is that an apostrophe in your last name?
Internet Sleuth: Yeah, what of it? Black mama’s do it all the time to their babies’ first names.
Reporter: I don’t have a response to that.
Internet Sleuth: The lack of a response is a response.
Reporter: All ri…
Internet Sleuth: “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” ― Jason McMindeveryoneelse’sbusiness.
Reporter: I don’t think that was Jascon McMindeveryoneelse’sbusiness who first said that. I don’t want to take the time to look it up but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t you, and I’m also wondering about the applicability right in this moment when we’re discussing your last name.
Internet Sleuth: You’re neither pretty, nor sure.
Reporter: This is going well.
Internet Sleuth: …
Reporter: Did you just say “…”? Never mind. What do you do for a living?
Internet Sleuth: I’m an internet sleuth.
Reporter: Oh! So, it’s more than a hobby? Do you work as like, a consultant for the police?
Internet Sleuth: No, I find police to be fascist and off-putting.
Reporter: So how do you get paid?
Internet Sleuth: Who says I get paid?
Reporter: That’s what “a living” is.
Internet Sleuth: That’s your definition of it, man.
Reporter: How do you afford food, clothing, housing, and other necessities?
Internet Sleuth: Well, I’m in between jobs right now but I’m a litigator by trade.
Reporter: A lawyer?
Internet Sleuth: No, you have to go to college for that. I find higher education socialist and off-putting. I’m a litigator. I sue people who’ve offended me and live off the income. Last year, I sued Qdoba for not being as good as Chipotle. Got like ten thousand bucks. I’m not good at math and budgeting but that should last me a couple years until my Netflix suit goes through.
Reporter: You’re suing Netflix? Didn’t they pay you to be in the documentary?
Internet Sleuth: Yeah but they didn’t allow me total creative control over the editing of my interviews.
Reporter: What changes did they make that you didn’t like?
Internet Sleuth: I gave them six hours of footage and said that there was to be no editing.
Reporter: But the movie was like four hours long!
Internet Sleuth: Not my problem.
Reporter: Mind if we take a break? After fifteen years, I’m afraid I’m going to have to take up smoking again like, right now.
(ten minutes elapsed)
Internet Sleuth: Feel better?
Reporter: Not by a longshot. So what is it you do as an amateur sleuth, exactly?
Internet Sleuth: I use the local news media to find out what cold case has the police flummoxed, and I see if Netflix or a lesser streaming service is working on a documentary for it. If they are, I and the others get to work, recklessly positing wild theories, speaking on internet chat boards from a position of authority despite not having any training or evidence to work with, and encouraging the proliferation and spread of conspiracy minded talk wherever we can. For instance, in the case of Elisa Lam, we formulated and spread the idea that the hotel staff, police, and government officials killed this young woman and engaged in a massive cover up.
Reporter: Why?
Internet Sleuth: It tickled our fancy. And I think there was something in there about tuberculosis. I can’t remember all that well. I’ve waked and pretty aggressively baked, as it were, today being a day that ends in “day”.
Reporter: Was there anything to suggest a massive conspiracy and cover-up?
Internet Sleuth: Only such evidence once filtered through the easily misconstruing lens of a person interested in more YouTube followers.
Reporter: See, I just don’t get it. Detectives go to scenes of the crime and use evidence before they form theories.
Internet Sleuth: You’re right. And we form theories from thousands of miles away and film ourselves visiting the place only when the cops have left and general interest has calmed down. Not so much the wrong methodologies as they are…different.
Reporter: Again, I ask why?
Internet Sleuth: Clicks, and to look cool. And to avoid getting a real job. And to get out of mom’s hair for a while.
Reporter: Begrudgingly, I will admit I can understand all of those motivations. So, once the coverup theory was debunked, did anyone apologize to the police?
Internet Sleuth: Oh, heavens no! If they didn’t want uninvolved, only mildly interested armchair experts accusing them of insidious murder and coverups, they shouldn’t be cops.
Reporter: Touché.
Internet Sleuth: Plus, it feels like they did something when we’re in the thick of chat room groupthink, and feelings don’t care about your facts.
Reporter: So tell me about this rock star, um…Morbid.
Internet Sleuth: Yeah, we really pulled a number on him and his personal life.
Reporter: Any remorse for your actions?
Internet Sleuth: Oh, heavens no! That’s the beautiful thing about the internet, you see? It seemed like he was the killer, and because it seemed that way, we are totally free to accuse him of any number of horrible things without waiting to see things shake out.
Reporter: Why not wait on the facts to incriminate or exonerate him?
Internet Sleuth: That’s boring, and takes patience. F&$# that noise. Plus, his music videos had what we thought were hints at the time. I’ve seen enough movies from the 90’s to know that killers always put hints and coded messages out there because they secretly want to be caught, or die a grisly death in an abandoned warehouse. Six to one, half a dozen to the other.
Reporter: But could you be destroying an innocent life in the process?
Internet Sleuth: (chuckles loudly) Yeah, and how! I doubt he’ll ever be able to get a job or lead a normal life again.
Reporter: …That’s your only answer to that question?
Internet Sleuth: Listen, I’d rather a million innocent lives be destroyed than spend my six waking hours a day with nothing to do.
Reporter: How noble of you.
Internet Sleuth: Thanks (sips his whiskey)
Reporter: Where’d you get that?
Internet Sleuth: Honestly don’t know.
Reporter: What about the death threats he got?
Internet Sleuth: What about them?
Reporter: Well, isn’t it kind of ironic and hypocritical that you think someone is a murderer, and you threaten to, you know, murder them?
Internet Sleuth: Another beautiful thing about the internet is that you can do that sort of thing with no consequences whatsoever.
Reporter: Is that really a beautiful thing?
Internet Sleuth: Look man, I’m not here to play semantics with you. You’ve got your definition of beautiful, I and my kind have another. We’re all just living our truth and and best life…man.
Reporter: Any plans to apologize to him?
Internet Sleuth: Oh, heavens no! If he didn’t want to be involved in a murder case, he wouldn’t have filmed himself staying at that hotel a year before she was murdered there.
Reporter: That’s some really sound logic. So other than what we’ve discussed, why do you want to be a web sleuth?
Internet Sleuth: I really don’t, actually. What I want is a good job, a beautiful and loving wife, and wonderful children.
Reporter: Have you taken any concrete steps towards those goals?
Internet Sleuth: No, I find taking concrete steps to be capitalistic and off-putting. Plus, changing my routine activates my social anxiety, so I’m going to keep in this rut. It is a rut, but it’s familiar and comfortable.
Reporter: How’s that rut working out for you?
Internet Sleuth: Well since high school I’ve stayed indoors all day long and alternated between sleuthing, gaming, and showering on a semi-regular basis and still no luck finding a job or wife.
Reporter: So not well?
Internet Sleuth: Yeah, I’m gonna give it another four or five years, give or take, and then try something else if this doesn’t work. I do have high standards though, and wont’ settle for a wife who’s had more sexual lovers than me.
Reporter: How many is that?
Internet Sleuth: She’d have to have had one in order to have had more.
Reporter: So you’re a virgin?
Internet Sleuth: Of vaginal penetrative sex, yes. But I’ve gotten in on with plenty of smokin’ hot ladies online.
Reporter: In exchange for money?
Internet Sleuth:…
Reporter: In exchange for money, Jason?
Internet Sleuth: Does Bitcoin count as money?
Reporter: Yes.
Internet Sleuth: Then yes.
Reporter: I just don’t get it. We’ve established how reckless this behavior is, but you have no intention of changing?
Internet Sleuth: Changing reckless behavior requires a healthy mental cycle of guilt, shame, reflection, regret, repentance, and trying to do better. Any time I’m tempted to start all that nonsense, I’m reminded of how inconvenient all that is. The heavy drinking and smoking aid in the process and allow me to stave off self-awareness and improvement for another day.
Reporter: Or never.
Internet Sleuth: Probably never. We done here? I’m running on only twelve hours of sleep and the longer we spend together, the more you run the risk of offending and being sued by me.
Buy my book (link below) and smash that like button like you were smashing a racist founding father in his pantaloons with the business end of your non-gun choice weapon of violence.
https://www.amazon.com/Ill-Fix-America-Tonight-weekend/dp/1977222730/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=I%27ll+Fix+america+tonight+%28well%2C+at+least+by+the+weekend%29&qid=1613152440&sr=8-1
Nathan Andrew Roberts wrote this while he was supposed to be out there, finding a wife.
