Taliban fell statue of historic figure; irony completely lost on these ANTIFA bozos
ANTIFA and BLM are like that crazy couple in which both the guy and the girl are toxically and obnoxiously extroverted and constantly one-upping each other for attention. It’s not a healthy relationship, but it is entertaining and everyone involved will have some great stories down the road. I realize it’s been a minute since we’ve heard from them and are enjoying an uneasy peace, but you know it’s just a matter of time until some stupid white person triggers their next uprising by doing what white people do best; namely existing and being racist while existing.
When they’re not smashing Starbucks windows, car inventory at dealerships, and any chance of people in big cities enjoying a restful night’s sleep, these bozos are toppling statues of racists, slave-owning racists, old-time politicians whose genitals chubbed up at the thought of getting dressed up and going out for a racist night on the town, significant people who lived before this generation (i.e. racists), and sometimes even people who fought against racism and slavery because young people can’t be bothered with reading up on the person whose statue they’re destroying when statue-destroying fever (they need more rubble in their lives, hold the cowbell) gets the better of them.
Not to be outdone, Taliban fighters-turned-heads-of-government just toppled a statue of Abdul Ali Mazari in the Bamyan province. He was a guy who did some things they don’t like, they get totally triggered at the sight of his statue, so they did the only natural thing and pulled it down. What do you want them to do, cope with the emotional response, accept the significance of a historical figure’s actions, and move on with their life like a mature adult? Don’t be gross.
For you see, the Taliban have a rep to maintain. They intend to install a powerful Muslim government. Things like abandoned American military weapons, a disarmed and fearful citizenry, lack of accountability, tight control over cultural output, and strongarm tactics all help accomplish that. Thirsty for Clicks caught up with and interviewed a local ANTIFA guy. We don’t want to make it sound like that was a tiresome chore. Most of them are morbidly obese young men with not a lot going on in their lives.
Interviewer: “That’s a nice mask you got there. What’s that, a skull face?”
ANTIFA thug: “Yeah, it is. Pretty cool, right?”
Interviewer: “Yes, quite original. Why do you wear them?”
ANTIFA thug: “To remain anonymous so that the fascists we’re fighting can’t catch us or oppress us by scouring the footage of our protests.”
Interviewer: “So, like, put you in jail for destroying private property?”
ANTIFA thug: “We don’t believe in private property.”
Interviewer: “That’s pretty convenient, considering how much of it you’ve destroyed.”
ANTIFA thug: “I know, right?! Changing the definition of terms and making traditionally held truths subjective totally divorces one from pangs of conscience. Plus, we can talk about your precious ‘private property’ once you’re willing to address the fact that this is all stolen land.”
Interviewer: “Do you own a house that you’re willing to give to a Native American?”
ANTIFA thug: “No, I’m what the perpetuators of this oppressive republican white supremacist capitalist meritocracy might call a ‘low-end achiever’, along with ‘cognitively impaired’, and ‘one who masturbates so much it gets in the way of getting ahead in life’ but those last two are just dumb labels my pediatrician (i.e. slave of the system) gave me.”
Interviewer: “So how do you get around the dilemma of living on stolen land? Do you float above the ground or something?”
ANTIFA thug: “No, I stay in my mom’s basement and I know that’s a stereotype for guys like me but stereotypes start with truth. That way, I can hassle my mom about ‘owning’ stolen land whenever she wants me to pick up my room or do the dishes and deflect into an argument so as to keep from having to do the chores.”
Interviewer: “Pretty smart. How do you feel about the border crisis?”
ANTIFA thug: “It’s a manufactured crisis by republican fascists. We don’t believe in governments, countries, and therefore don’t believe in borders.”
Interviewer: “Do you keep your mom out of your bedroom with a door and a lock?”
ANTIFA thug: “Oh, for sure! I need my privacy and don’t want her going through my stuff.”
Interviewer: “Hmmmm.”
ANTIFA thug: “Why do you ask?”
Interviewer: “No reason.”
ANTIFA thug: “By the way, I’m not comfortable with you interviewing me without a mask.”
Interviewer: “Why is that? I’m not part of your movement.”
ANTIFA thug: “Not that. Mask mandates. Are you vaccinated? President Biden and company have strongly suggested we go back to masks and want to start requiring vaccine passports and I frankly think that’s a good idea.”
Interviewer: “I thought you were an anarchist and don’t believe in governments.”
ANTIFA thug: (brain glitches for a few moments) “You know that the men who fought in World War II were ANTIFA, right?”
Interviewer: “Right. I’ve seen that meme. So they went to Europe and stopped a genocidal madman from trying to take over the world. You guys smash cars and tell the media that the owners of businesses you destroy have insurance to cover the damage.”
ANTIFA thug: “Yup. The Greatest Generation were the original ANTIFA. We’re the second Greatest Generation by association.”
Interviewer: “That’s a pretty big leap. And awfully presumptuous of you to equate yourselves with them.”
ANTIFA thug: “I don’t know what ‘presumptuous’ means but I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Interviewer: “Please don’t.”
ANTIFA thug: “Too late! Already done tooken as a compliment. Why are you rubbing your head? Why are you sighing loudly and in an exaggerated manner? Why are you reaching in your purse for some Advil? Why are you glaring at me so forcefully? Why are you not answering my questions?”
Interviewer: “Do you consider these Taliban fighters bad people?”
ANTIFA thug: “Yes, but don’t put that on the record.”
Interviewer: “How come?”
ANTIFA thug: “They’re Muslim. While we hate Christians, deists, and organized religion, we’re not allowed to badmouth Muslims.”
Interviewer: “Why is that, you think?”
ANTIFA thug: “You know, come to think of it, I’ve never really been all that clear on the matter. But I do and think what my DNC authorities tell me to.”
Interviewer: “And yet, you’re an anarchist.”
ANTIFA thug: “Yup!”
Interviewer: “You don’t see the inconsistency or contradiction?”
ANTIFA thug: “Hey guy—”
Interviewer: “I’m a girl.”
ANTIFA thug: “—However you self-identify. I’ve accomplished a lot in my time. I’m a level 10 mage in World of Warcraft. I dabble in advanced hacky-sack. I’m a pro at insulting people on comment threads and telling them to wake up and educate themselves. So I’m too busy to go to an English word-mining learning building. If you want to keep using all these big words, I’m afraid this question talk will must have be done-ing.”
Interviewer: “These Taliban guys are busy knocking over statues of historical Afghanistan figures with whose ideologies they disagree, even some within the Muslim faith. And they’re doing it as a threatening symbolic gesture to keep people fearful and in line.”
ANTIFA thug: “Yeah they really know how to get things done! I was watching a video of them doing it. I really like their teamwork and technique.”
Interviewer: “But see, you already admitted these are bad people. They’re far-right religious fanatics who want to run a country and control the people through fear and intimidation. By definition, they’re fascists. And they are using some of the same techniques as you. What does that make you?”
ANTIFA thug: (brain glitches even longer than before) “Yeah but they use guns. We don’t believe in guns. Guns are evil. We use Molotov Cocktails.”
Interviewer: “Semantics. Tomato, tomahto.”
ANTIFA thug: “Plygantics. Scogabo, scogahbo.”
Interviewer: (vomits and evaluates life choices)
And now, for some free bonus content (the jokes are done)
People I’d like to hear from in the wake of these events:
Those who use hyperbolic “America is the worst place to live” language
Those who believe humanity is continually evolving to a point of perfection instead of still being mired in sinfulness and depravity
Those who posit that a general citizenry don’t need to be armed
Taliban fighters are taking advantage of the situation to commence with the seizing of weapons
American leaders who made promises of passage to America to the Afghans who helped them
People who still put their faith in governments to do more than even the most rudimentary of functions and would speedily hand them more power and control over everyone’s lives
Those who could answer if there was ever a long-term plan in place for our presence in Afghanistan or if we made it up as we went along
Women’s rights groups who have spent the last few years denigrating straight, white, Christian males
Girls as young as 12 years old are being kidnapped and forcefully married as spoils of war
Those who trust the shifting promises and capricious allegiances of politicians
Those who advocate for our continued policing of the world, allowing peoples and nations who refuse to get it together to maintain their status as perpetual charity cases, and violating the father of our nation’s parting warning to avoid foreign entanglements
That version of me that’s going to complain like a little baby when a creature comfort—provided by and exclusively available in the luxurious civilization I was fortunate enough to be born in—that makes my life more convenient breaks down and I momentarily lose my grasp on perspective and how drastically…frighteningly…horrifically different my life could have gone were I not born in this time and place.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image and Afghanistan story information taken from:
https://nypost.com/2021/08/18/taliban-destroy-statue-of-foe-stoking-fears-after-moderation-claims/
