Start Tweeting your personal dramas at needy and oversharing celebrities
Because turnabout is fair play. Kanye and Kim want the whole world to know who’s interlocking genitals with whom and how they and everyone else do and should personally feel about it? Well, then they can deal with how I feel about this crick in my neck. We might have more obnoxious celebrities go back to being cautious of overexposure if everyone sliding into their DM’s asked them to look at a gross mole they think might be cancer instead of asking them to hook up for a night of disappointing sex. Here are some messages and tweets I’ll be sending in the near future.
Hey Mark Ruffalo! I just bought my first electric car. Just doing my part to save the earth like you said. Quick question. I’ve got your home address. Don’t ask how or why. I can send the battery when it dies to your house for disposal and storage while it poisons your lawn, right?
Nancy Pelosi…wait…you’re still alive? What’s your secret; food preservatives and daily amber soaks? Whatever it is, it’s working. I’d dig a little deeper but I intend to keep my peace of mind and that entails not being made privy to the details of whatever Faustian deal keeps you running.
Johnny and Amber. Where to start. You two are really gross people. Can you go stand on that other side of the galaxy? Little farther. That’s good. I know way too much about your sex and personal lives. I’d tell you about mine but I’m pretty vanilla by comparison, having never blasted a dookie in someone’s bed while they were sleeping. Having said that, wanna party? Seems like y’all would add some real spice to my next dinner/drinks get-together. Plus you’re both probably reachable and accessible now that you’ve fallen from grace and your glamorous lives. BYO fecal matter.
Chrissy Teigen, I feel ya. I once also told a 16 year old to kill themself. I was also 16 years old at the time. I’m the other side of 40, just like you and have known for a while now how wrong that was. Seems like your maturation was stunted somehow. Probably somewhere along the time people started worshipping you for your ample…assets. Something to think about.
Britney Spears, I totally feel you on the bad parent front. But you’re not the only grown person who’s had kids, had them taken away from them and still doesn’t get the respect you deserve. Listen, my mom and dad won’t spot me a floater loan. They didn’t hug me that one time I really needed a hug. They didn’t read my mind when I was a teenager despite the angsty vibes I was laying down. They have stopped letting me crash indefinitely when I get evicted. They’ve changed the PIN’s on all their credit cards and put parental controls on my Amazon prime account. Point is…y’all got an extra room and some loose cash you can let a brotha hold?
Bruce Willis and Nicolas Cage! I get it. You want to keep making movies. Problem is so many of them run together, are interchangeable, and are just…awful. If I pay you guys a decent salary to make only one movie a year, sometimes two if you’re willing to be in one together, will you stop playing jaded, stoic army Colonels (looking at you, Bruce) and crazy, depressed loners (and now you, Nick)? There are so many different roles out there. I’d say the sheer volume of films you pump out would run you into overexposure territory except for the fact that no one is watching them. I promise, we all still like you and have fond memories of you in your prime. It’s just that the harder you try, the more that like wanes.
Will and Jada, I’m sorry you guys have such a weird, non-traditional, and kind of creepy (if we’re being frank) marriage and that sometimes said marriage is tough to handle. Traditional marriages are tough as well. This one time, my wife asked me to kill a spider and instead I put it on my hand and chased her around the house with it while she cried and screamed. Long story short, things escalated, the cops showed up and charged both of us with a domestic and now we have to go to counseling and our counsellor is a drunk and more messed up than we are. So it’s turned into a whole big thing. Point is…find your own point and stop making me a part of your private bedroom issues, even if the exact composition of your private issues is some sort of weird swinger arrangement where you do anything but keep it private and in the bedroom.
(Insert has-been musician’s name), it’s been a minute since you were relevant, and it was catchy songs that made you as such, not political protests or removing your music from streaming services that aren’t playing you anyway. You once were a champion of free speech and now you want to take Joe Rogan’s free speech away. Ever written a song about irony? If you go away, I’ve got some prune juice and bread for feeding the ducks over there. Come on. Ya know ya wanna.
Annie Oak…I mean Alec Baldwin. That’s some nice shootin’ there, Tex. Two people with one bullet? Impressive is all I can say. Ever thought about private security detail?
Donald Trump, what were any of us thinking? I, for one, have enjoyed this little break from you. Say what you want about Creepy Uncle Sniffy-McWhisper over there, but at least he’s not letting his food-hole cause a ruckus every five minutes. I like my presidents like I like my dental visits; boring, uneventful, and as unobtrusive as humanly possible.
Hot girls of Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok, and whatever the name of the next nonsensical and gimmicky social media platform is we’ll devise. The clock is ticking and there’s a shelf life on cute. Find your brain and start filling it with skills and knowledge. (P.S. You’re not as interesting a person as your follower numbers would suggest)
Alexandria-Ocasio-Cortez-De-La-Cruz-QWERTY-Rodrigo-Sanchez-PH Balance, your voice is a little grating, especially in the morning. Simma down and take it down a couple clicks. My dogs wince in pain when you’re on the CNN’s.
Tom Cruise, you’re doing great. Keep not being in the news unless promoting a movie. You must have really learned your lesson after that Oprah thing with the couch and weird laughing. Props. I wish I could do the stunts you do when I’m closing in on 60. I’m just the other side of 40 and can’t do half of what you do so I’m not holding my breath.
All awards shows, keep telling the salt-of-the-earth who facilitate your opulent lifestyles with their hard earned money what racist and awful people they are. That’ll get you your viewers back, smart guy. You know, you’re not so virtuous yourself, dealing with rock and movie stars as you do. Have you seen some of the things they do at parties? I’m a respectable person so I will only say it involves drugs of the nefarious kind and lurid S-E-X.
Amy Schumer, it’s totally all right to go back to being funny. Anytime now, hon. And you don’t have to love fellow white people but no one’s respecting you for hatred of them being your default setting. It’s not cute, wise, prudent, or in any other way virtuous. The comedy community misses you, girl. Come back to the fold.
LeBron, LeBron, LeBron. What can I say to you and be assured you’ll listen? I’d scold you for calling everything racism but you’ll probably call the scolding racism. I don’t think you have to shut up and dribble, but doing a small version of that might do you some good. And if you have some dignity, distance yourself from Space Jam 2 with all expediency. That movie wasn’t a smart move. And no, I’m not racist for saying that. It wasn’t good, like, on an objective and empirical metric. My kids are teenagers and really stupid and even they hated it. And they like Transformers!
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Image taken from:
https://www.thenews.com.pk/latest/936188-kanye-west-makes-fun-of-pete-davidson-and-kim-kardashian-at-donda-show-in-miami
