Trump has so much new Twitter wisdom to impart on us
Ever held your breath, stifled a fart, had a sneeze build up, waited on a vigorous puke you just know is coming, and failed to climax whilst in sexual congress with your partner all at the same time? That’s got to be how The Donald has been feeling ever since Twitter denied him a medium for his verbal diarrhea. I for one have been anxiously waiting with bated breath to find out what Hollywood celebrity is about to draw his ire, what difficulties his aching back introduces to daily routines, what politician is in need of his particular brand of right-wing cancel culture, what he feels about some new chicken sandwich some fast food franchise is peddling as food on us, what new superlative, hyperbolic, and self-aggrandizing thing he can contrive about himself, how quickly Hillary needs to be locked up and deprived of palatable food, and what additional heretofore uncovered crimes/frauds/shenanigans were perpetrated to steal the election from him. Frankly, I’ve been frantically searching for a reason to live since Trump was relegated to sit in the corner to reflect on his choices and struggling to find one.
Not sure if you’ve heard, but Elon Musk has some real money to throw around. I’m chalking up his purchase of Twitter in the category of I’m-bored-and-just-because-I-can. If he doesn’t land 10’s with this flex, the man might just be a Eunuch. I’ve sent him and other rich people overtures on social media on my plan to save Flint, MI while making investments that will have a financial return in the future and received no reply. Seems they’d rather make it rain with weird purchases. Guess I’m under “Don’t Tweet us, we’ll Tweet you” status.
Leftists and progressive liberals are the fiercest of free speech advocates. Naturally, they were furious that Twitter will once again be allowing it. Citing Musk’s inescapable, irredeemable, and unforgivable Caucasian-ness (that’s all it takes nowadays), they melted down about white supremacy, capitalism, exploitation, fair shares of taxes, the poor and homeless (who I’ll thank you to stop bringing up because it makes me sad and I don’t want to feel my feelings), and their other usual hobby horses. Metaphorical drums are the best because they don’t wear out despite constant beatings. I guess once you’ve attained a certain level of wealth you’re not allowed to distribute and floss it as you see fit. Robin Hood and all that, you see.
One wonders what darkened and well-ventilated lair (these guys are pretty fat and sweat a lot) Trump and Giuliani have been lurking in while contriving preliminary plans to steal this country back. Reinstatement on Twitter is possibly step one of a brilliant five-point plan. I could go for a little fascism right now, if you ask me. It’s entertaining at the least. Biden is just so boring and undramatic. It’s like Rip Van Winkle hooked up with a morphine drip and procreated a child who’s super interested in smoking pot and being chill. Ugh. So gross. I need my public figures in my face and intruding into my life. Biden backed off when the vaccine mandates died on the vine and has been keeping his distance from my personal affairs ever since. So rude of him to do that.
In a baller move to be filed under I’ll-just-take-my-ball-and-go-home-level emotional fits, Musk moved Tesla from California to Texas because the Lone Star State has better corporate tax rates, willing and able workforce, fewer homeless people casually lounging about not getting a job and using the outdoors as their personal lavatory (I know, I was the one who brought them up this time), and probably some killer barbecue when compared to Californian fare. It is Texas, so it’s not outside the realm of possibility a gimmicky BBQ restaurant existing which allows you to proudly exercise your 2nd Amendment rights by shooting the pig which will become your dinner.
That, and California is just a dreadful place to live. Don’t try to erect so much as a Jenga block tower in that state. The socialists and bureaucrats can sniff a chance to have a red tape orgy from a mile away. And the laborer, operator, and construction unions are literally frothing at the mouth looking for ways to land lucrative contracts then avoid getting the contracted work done in a timely and efficient manner.
I kid my coastal leftist and progressive brothers, sisters, and non-binary gender non-conforming semi-sentient clumps of cells because if I wasn’t joking, I’d be condemned by them of that most heinous of crimes; unacceptable opinions. I’ll take my canceling like a good boy and sit in the corner. Can I eat my peas at the same time so as to get all the unpleasantness over with? Thank you, birthing person, for the lesson in manners. If you dare, meet me on Twitter once the sale and structure are finalized, where I might be allowed to enjoy my free speech and autonomy in the foreseeable future.
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Image taken from:
https://www.marca.com/en/basketball/nba/los-angeles-lakers/2022/05/03/62704ea122601d48148b45ed.html
