Bidens left wondering why racial stereotyping isn't working for them
It’s getting harder and harder to write satire. But mama didn’t raise no quitter, so for the same reason I finished that family sized bag of pizza rolls on my own is the same reason I’m about to give satire the ole worthless debt accumulation machine—my new word for college—try. These folks have been itching for some rhetorical chin music and it’s been since September of last year since I made fun of the Bidens. I have been busy and sorely remiss in this department, what with taking frozen food portion labels as a challenge, yelling at my kids for failing to strike oil in our backyard, and forgetting that comedy comes in threes.
The President’s wife recently spoke at a Latinx inclusion event. Not to be outdone by her gaffe-happy husband who slurs his words like drunk ho’s at a Kappa-Gamma-Delta party following a Saturday trouncing of a football rival, she at one point mispronounced the word “bodega”. I’ve cut her some slack on that one because the detached, snobby, elite, ruling class of Democrats seem like people who would hear the description of an NYC bodega and croon “That’s a wonderful idea. Someone should try it out!” before an aide hurriedly whispers in their that the idea has been successfully tried, thousands of times.
However, I won’t cut her slack on her clumsy stereotyping of people from the Spanish speaking world because this is too juicy an opportunity to pass up. At one point she literally described their diversity as “as distinct as the bogedas (sic) of the Bronx, as beautiful as the blossoms of Miami and as unique as the breakfast tacos here in San Antonio”.
(takes a long breath and pauses for effect). You see…(hits a final drag on a cigarette, drops it to the ground, then smashes it with foot, resulting in an even longer and awkwardly uncomfortable pause)
Creating truly and profoundly funny comedy takes rigor and work. If it were easy, everyone would be funny. In a way, I’m actually resentful at the first lady for making it this easy. However, I’ve not been sleeping well lately so even a self-appointed tortured genius like myself will swing at floaters thrown right over the plate.
Luckily for me, I bullied some nerd into hacking her computer and got the rough draft of her speech. I figured if anyone in that family’s got a laptop full of juicy content, it’s Jill. (receives lightning-fast backhand out of nowhere) Sorry. Ahem. Dr. Jill Biden. Here are a few highlights:
After bringing up three large cities stereotypically attached to the presence of Latinos, she originally mentions something about them knowing their role and staying in the smelly and overcrowded cities where they belong.
The diversity comment was much longer and she invoked more examples like a loud, sassy single mother harassing her papi Efron to sell more weed so they can buy milk for the niños, Cholos feuding with other gangs in the prison yard of San Quentin, gigolos working hard every day to pleasure aging spinsters, a maid who freaks out when government official-looking men knock on her employer’s front door, loud and opinionated matriarchs who scold their granddaughters for not making the tortillas right, and Mariachis serenading newly crowned young women at their quinceañeras. Basically she hit all the cultural clichés. Those goofy Democrats, am I right?!?!
A stray comment about wishing her gardener and the guy building her horse stable should work more like Speedy Gonzalez and less like Slowpoke Rodriguez.
“If you ain’t voted for my husband, you ain’t black, brown, some sort of halve-sie with serious identity issues stemming from our constant fetishizing of race, or white with a serious case of superiority and savior mentality”.
Direct quote about her husband “working so hard to fix the economy that he’ll need a siesta once he’s finished”.
Her original closing lines were “And remember, when we Democrats say ‘celebrate our diversity’ what we really mean is ‘be a slave to our diversity’. Let me explain and clarify. Don’t act like an individual. Act like your group or you’re bound to confuse and frighten we white liberals. Looking at you, Mexicans from Mexico and Mexicans from other places that aren’t Mexico but are for the sake of me not having to learn all your different country names. Your skin color and earmarks of the culture you’re from must remain at the fore at all times. Be super loud, aggressive, and exaggeratedly ghetto when arguing with white people so we can distinguish you as one of ours and not of the Uncle Tom variety. We’ve got special plans for those who leave the DNC plantation (just look at what we did with Dave Chappelle) because they’re suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, as well as the people in charge of coming up with new knee jerk accusations if they don’t hurry and think of a new one now that even big, dumb idiots are recognizing that ‘Uncle Tom’ and ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ are really starting to lose their power. But remember your place, folks. We put up with you darkies because we need your votes and the power that comes with them. But that doesn’t mean we need you chasing that American dream with too much vigor. We need you signing up for welfare and feeling like you’ll never get ahead. Now get out there and go be a victim!”
If only the political right was as racist as the left wishes they were and accuses them of being. Then we could really do something about all the confusion we’re creating.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://nypost.com/2022/07/09/three-star-general-gary-volesky-suspended-over-jill-biden-tweet/
