Rittenhouse jury deliberation has folks prepping for more mostly peaceful protests
Well folks, the testimony has been taken. The evidence has been submitted. The closing arguments have been spoken. The tears have been shed. The prosecution has taken its lumps from a zealous and excitable judge. The pundits have vomited their partisan-charged diatribes. The comment thread participants have insulted each others’ intelligence and thrown all manner of colorful language at each other.
The cows have been milked. The pigs have been fed. The sheep have been sheared. The hay has been stacked. The kids have been kissed, tucked, whooped for making too much noise past lights out, kissed, tucked, scolded, kissed again, and then duly warned against any further misbehavior. Now we await the jury’s verdict to be immediately followed by America’s new favorite pastime (suck a fatty, baseball); intense backlash.
I think there’s a lot of wrong to be shared on both sides of that fateful night in Cheese Country. Since I’m an American I think there’s a law, statute, or at least a local ordinance mandating my taking of sides. But I’d rather make jokes. Deal. And then issue me whatever expensive citation is applicable. So it’s time for the return of Thirsty for Clicks; that fake online news organization I made up as a parody of every odorous conservative and liberal cache of talking-head punditry out there. Apologies to those who prefer seamless theater of the mind in their satirical blog posts for my breaking of the fourth wall there.
Thirsty for Clicks caught up with Sue and Doug Flourgen; a Kenosha-area couple, as they hurriedly boarded up their windows, barricaded their doors, said their Hail Mary’s (Maries?), patronizingly reassured their children, and strategically placed boxes of ammunition at various points of ingress.
Reporter: Why are you doing this? Your house is so beautiful!
Sue: It was, yes. And it can be again, once we take all this out then plaster and paint the nail-holes. We’d rather have a little touching up to do than file a total loss insurance claim for arson-related activities. All that paperwork, plus the hike in rates? So not worth it.
Reporter: That’s so true, but aren’t you being a little overdramatic? If there are protests, they’ll surely be peaceful.
Doug: See that’s the thing. We can handle peaceful protests, if we’re talking about sticking to the traditional and unchanging definition of the word. When you throw the quantifier “mostly” into the mix, that’s a whole different enchilada.
Sue: You’re absolutely right, honey (oh I think the sawed-off at the end of the hall next to the 9ml for when they inevitably break down the door and the fighting comes to closer quarters). CNN did homeowners in this area a grave disservice when they set a sliding scale and laughably low bar for what “mostly peaceful” means.
Reporter: I get it, but all this? (points to a wall of death replete with many threatening and sharp martial arts weapons of the Samurai variety) It’s a bit much, no?
Doug: Heavens, no! Not if me and the kids remember our training (laughs nervously). Right kids?
Children: (practicing their Kata forms) Sure thing, Pa!
Reporter: So what are you planning for with all this prepping, a guilty or innocent verdict?
Sue: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there cowboy! We don’t wanna take sides. We’re just concerned with protecting ourselves. We’re not prejudging anyone. We think mostly peaceful protests that escalate into mostly peaceful riots resulting in mostly peaceful property damage and mostly peaceful bloodshed is possible no matter the trial’s outcome. There does seem to be a side with a liiiiiiiittle less chill who may or may not be listening and furiously losing their chill at the moment, but you didn’t hear it from me (raises left pointer finger and taps left side of her nose while winking her left eye).
Reporter: I take your meaning.
Doug: (sarcastically with feigned obliviousness) My goodness, whatever do you mean? We think the KKK is just as likely to show up here and cause a ruckus as BLM and their enforcement wing.
Reporter: Enforcement wing? Who are they?
Sue: You shush that talk right now! Don’t make us say their name. That gives them power. (glancing around down the street) Speak of the devil. Children, get inside!
Little Suzy: But Ma, we wanna stay outside and be free Americans and exercise our rights.
Doug: (sharply with a tinge of anger) Do as your mother says, now.
Children: (disappointed) Yes, Ma. Yes, Pa.
Parents: (nervously waving at a man wearing a ski mask and hiding their weapons behind their backs) Howdy, neighbor! Nice weather we’re having and other pleasantries directed at you in a totally calm and genuine manner.
ANTIFA Representative: (tapping a brick with his palm in a confident and threatening manner) Stuff a poison-soaked sock in it, pigs! I know you’re hiding guns behind your backs, A.K.A. tools of fascism.
Sue: Pretty clever, handsome. I think I saw some racist Republicans clear across town on 3rd, being intolerant of a gay and disabled person of color trying to get an abortion.
ANTIFA Representative: Stop trying to save your own skin and send me on a wild goose chase. Fear of violence is the only thing that keeps fascists like you in line and behaving. Man, I’d love to smash this window through your bay window right now and teach you a thing or two about not practicing and proliferating fascism.
Reporter: (to the side) Boy, this guy says “fascism” a lot. (louder) Why do you wear the mask?
ANTIFA Representative: Because I’m not a coward and (ashamed) I don’t have a strong jawline.
Reporter: You hide your identity because you’re not cowardly? That doesn’t make any sense.
ANTIFA Representative: Your opinions on everything are unacceptable and you’re on the wrong side of history, Mouthpiece of Fascism. I’d love your home address so I can have a productive and enlightening chat with you about this and other important issues. Just know that you’re being recorded. (shoves phone in reporter’s face)
Reporter: See this microphone, that camera, and the cameraman? I’ve been recorded this whole time. You can find the footage if you visit our website; www.th—
ANTIFA Representative: (interrupting) This interview is over! I don’t need a shameless plug for your stupid website. Stop being fascist! (smashes camera and weakly shoves cameraman as a whimpy “eeeh” noise escapes his mouth).
Sue and Doug: (throwing their hands up in a corny 1950’s television couple manner) Oh, double-dear! See what we mean? (looking at camera as the credits roll)
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://www.foxnews.com/media/cnn-panned-for-on-air-graphic-reading-fiery-but-mostly-peaceful-protest-in-front-of-kenosha-fire
