Now You Can Hire a College Professor to Preach Your Crackpot Ideas!
Let me start off by saying that the “Now” in the title is a skosh misleading. You’ve been able to do this for years. It’s just that our service has been working in secret for quite some time. The more brazen, shameless, and unconcerned with confronting one’s own hypocrisies our culture grows, the more public a service like ours can afford to become. For that, we and our profit margin owe much thanks to Twitter.
We won’t pigeonhole ourselves to one kind of client, but if your ideology even glancingly aligns with politicians affiliated with the party that rhymes with phlegmocrats, we’re here for you.
For a reasonable price, someone with “doctor of (insert useless and unnecessarily narrow field of study here) at (insert name of college that has so very little prestige)” in their title will hurriedly create and publish a scholarly journal that’s peer reviewed (i.e. the coed they’re sleeping with will review) so that the world no longer has to suffer another minute without your crazy notions being out there in the ether for all to enjoy and use to reflect and correct their wrong opinions. Here’s just some of the affordable and attractive options we offer.
Need to blame your inability to make good life decisions on white privilege? Call us today!
Do women who want to have children and stay at home suffer from internalized misogyny? Drop a dime, it’ll take no time…at all. Get those women who don’t know how miserable they are into the workforce where they can be happy to be miserable working for a capitalist pig who will exploit them for forty years.
Is a man looking at you, smiling while talking to you, or basically existing and breathing your air rape? Agents are standing by.
If you use a man for sexual gratification during a one-night stand and he doesn’t perform well; not knowing you and your sexual needs due to the very nature of one-night stands and you regret your brief liaison with him, is it rape? We’ll let you decide!
Run out of ways to use identity politics so you don’t have to debate those who have no right to debate whatever topic you chose to start debating with them? Our crack team is laboriously pouring over old Jerry Springer episodes finding new and ever-so-specific human groupings and categories so you can shut down debate before it even happens.
Do all white people, everywhere need to be shown that they are racist, need to work on not being racist, and then shown that they have no control over their racism? Caucasian-themed Catch 22’s are our specialty.
For a bit extra, we will also fabricate a history of family wealth with a solid through-line to slavery for any cracker of your choosing.
Is parenting only done at the behest of the state, and do parents need consent to change their infants’ diapers? Look no further than our It-Takes-a-Village Department, specializing in undermining parental rights since 1995.
Is it degrading for a man to look at a woman in a sexual manner but empowering for a woman to disseminate hypersexualized images of herself? We specialized in damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’ts when it comes to straight men.
Do wild outbursts of emotion and “F$&# You” deserve to be recognized as valid forms of debate? Then tell Lincoln and Douglas to go f@&# themselves by calling our hotline and signing up for the Gold Plan, which has insurance options that cover destruction of placards and Nancy boy assaults on conservative women.
What new thing is white supremacy? You tell us!
Do you equate selling the most special part of yourself with work done by building mental and physical skills? Some of our professors put themselves through grad school with sex work, so they are extra-qualified to help you out.
No matter what valid reasoning your opponent throws at you, are you able to semantics your way out of it so as to deflect blame, guilt, or shame away from yourself or those leaders you worship and adore? This option works for Republicans also (but good luck finding a university professor who will admit to voting for your evil party)!
Has the non-existence of God rendered humans an apex predator but do you still see it as immoral for man to eat meat or cut trees down to survive? Swallow that second-guessing of yourself and float your idea on down the stream. It’s just reason and logic tinging your brain. Those kinds of things must be expelled with all possible dispatch.
Thirsty for clicks but not a big-breasted woman? You’ve come to the right place.
Need help coming up with new jargon every few years to keep the victim Olympics alive? We love using pseudointellectual language to obfuscate, beguile, and confuse. We’re all very excited for our next wide release: Juxtaposed Momentary Euphoric Pandrogyny. Stay tuned for what it means and how you’ve been victimizing someone all along.
Is anyone who makes more money than you just a bootlicker of the 1%? Redistribute your meager monies to us and we will see to it one of our writers saves a polar bear and apologizes for polar bears being white to a black person in the process.
Isn’t it maddening when you’re beaten to the punch for contrived injustices and a suitable recompense for each of them? Not anymore, with our Stay-Ahead-of-the-Curve Program.
Tired of debating those who have no right to an opinion (cough, straight, white males, cough)? Advocate for a modified, surgical form of the 1st Amendment with one of our Thought Police specialists.
Are you just angry all the time because people who have more skills and work harder than you make more money than you? Link up with our communist intelligentsia writers, and they’ll get you where you need to go without you having to increase your productive output (something that probably comes naturally for you).
Do you like to have sex with animals or consider pederasty a viable sexual orientation? We’re nearing a breakthrough on the former, steadily chipping away on the latter.
Does it harm your mental health when a celebrity who has no effect on your life disagrees with you and continues to be employed? Don’t slog through writing a cogent essay on your own. Instead, use the words of a respected, trained professional to justify your joining of the Twitter cancellation mob and completely redefine what it means to be a liberal!
All these and much, much more, coming to an internet near you!
Buy my book (link below) and smash that like button like you were smashing a founding father in his pantaloons with the business end of your non-gun weapon of violence.
https://www.amazon.com/Ill-Fix-America-Tonight-weekend/dp/1977222730/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=I%27ll+Fix+america+tonight+%28well%2C+at+least+by+the+weekend%29&qid=1613152440&sr=8-1
Nathan Andrew Roberts isn’t very physically capable, but is in the process of suing for damages those people who are because he just read Harrison Bergeron. Keep you posted on the results.
