Liberals: Let’s Coordinate Our Hateful Blogs and Tweets the Next Time a Conservative Dies
We here at Thirsty for Clicks were curious how leftists felt about the passing of Rush Limbaugh, so we sat down with Ryan Blasport; aka @skinnygene, for an in-depth look at his budding organization; The Liberal Defamation League, or LDL. He posits the idea that leftists are spending far too much time on individual efforts to sully the name of recently deceased conservative figures and must coalesce into one, solid organization (as much as any umbrella of cannibalistic lunatic fringe groups possibly can). Listen to what he had to say.
Reporter: So what does the LDL do, and why is this needed?
Ryan: Well, when Antonin Scalia died, I scoured the web for content that besmirched his name. Then, I wrote an algorithm to aggregate, delineate, and reveal the most common themes and topics.
Reporter: That must have taken a long time.
Ryan: Yeah, but I don’t have much else going on, so it’s all good in my hood.
Reporter: Oh, do you live in the hood?
Ryan: No, that was just a goofy expression. I live in a quiet suburb in the loft above my parents’ garage. I find “the hood” a bit too….colorful for my tastes.
Reporter: Aren’t you a liberal?
Ryan: Oh yes, and it’s republicans that are the racists ones.
Reporter: Then why would you…
Ryan: (interrupting) We’re getting off track.
Reporter: Aren’t I at liberty to conduct the interview as I see fit, and to follow any branches I choose in the normal flow of conversation and exercise of free speech?
Ryan: Not for long, if I’ve anything to say about it (laughs cryptically)
Reporter: Anyw…
Ryan: ANYWAY, I found that we are wasting a lot of time saying the same things over and over and spending our precious individual hours firing off Tweets, writing blogs, arguing in comment threads, when we could be getting together for parties and reveling in the deaths of these evil people.
Reporter: Parties? What about Covid protocols?
Ryan: (laughs) Silly goose! Those are for harassing those poor, misguided souls who insist on their individual liberties. On a related note, I’ve got it on good authority now that we’ve got a democrat in the Whitehouse, it’s just a matter of time until the pandemic ends. They’re just waiting long enough to make a good show of it and not make it totally obvious that much of 2020 was a massive power grab.
Reporter: We’re getting off track here.
Ryan: Do it again, and I’ll dox you.
Reporter: Wouldn’t want that.
Ryan: No, you wouldn’t.
Reporter: That’s a double negative. It’s “yes, you wouldn’t”, or “correct, you wouldn’t”.
Ryan: Who talks like that?
Reporter: Clearly not you.
Ryan: Correct, not me.
Reporter: I see what you did there. What’s it like being clever?
Ryan: I guess you would know, why don’t you tell me?
Reporter: Back on track. So what were the commonalities in the tweets and essays you found?
Ryan: Right, so a superfluity of “racist” was immediately apparent. We all know that word is like, the Holy Grail of liberal labels. I saw many instances of “misogyny”, “proliferation of oppression”, “peddling hatred”, “using words to promulgate violence against the LGBTQ”, “straight, white, Christian, cis-gendered male”, and “typical right wing toxic chauvinism”. Also, “systemic” and “schema” both made enough appearances to warrant a mention. And then there were all the “I wish he came back to life and died from butt cancer again”, or “I hope his wife and daughters get raped by immigrants”, along with “Why hasn’t someone thrown a brick through his front window by now?” Basically, enough canned drops were present that I had an idea. What if we had a program where we gathered these standard responses to conservative deaths together, and released them for everyone, at the same time, on every platform? That way, we could flood the internet, change how people think, and get back to our busy day jobs of clamoring for the wealth of anyone who makes more than us, which is like, almost everyone.
Reporter: So you designed a software program to do that?
Ryan: Oh heavens, no. I’m a clerk at a pet food store. I couldn’t begin to understand software design, nor would I want to, nor should I need to in order to make as much as the guy who does. HIT UP COMMUNISM WITH THE RT, COMRADES!
Reporter: Sudden outbursts like that don’t really do anything for me.
Ryan: So, all we ask from our army of liberal unicorns is…
Reporter: I’m sorry, unicorns?
Ryan: Diametrical opposite of trolls.
Reporter: Ah.
Ryan: All we need is their login, password, and we do the rest.
Reporter: And people hand over their private information, just like that?
Ryan: I mean, it’s going to happen in about six months anyway.
Reporter: What?!
Ryan: I’ve said too much.
Reporter: Okay so, how much time does a revelatory blog take to write, like an hour plus research to link in?
Ryan: Research? That’s cute. No, most of our subscribers embed profane memes in their blogs, mostly with devil horns crudely pasted on the guy’s picture. But yeah, like an hour or so.
Reporter: And the average tweet takes what, like a minute?
Ryan: Give or take depending on the personal rules of spelling and grammar they live by. But then, you’re talking about checking your notifications, retweeting, arguing with other Twitter users, doxing those who particularly offend you. This is like having a full-time job, minus the pay.
Reporter: So why do it if there’s no gain?
Ryan: Why do liberals do anything they do?
Reporter: Uh…
Ryan: That was rhetorical. It’s so they can feel superior to those who have wrong opinions.
Reporter: Makes sense.
Ryan: So that’s the beauty of our program. It saves our users so much time. Time which they could hypothetically devote to working hard at a good job and raising their level of skills, experience, and income. You know, if they valued such things and, like, did such things.
Reporter: So your program actually argues for them?
Ryan: That’s right. It’s really not that complicated, especially when you factor in the advent of identity politics as a widely regarded valid form of debate on the left. Go ahead, say something a conservative would say.
Reporter: Okay, um, hard work and fiscal responsibility result in…
Ryan: (interrupting) Easy thing for a privileged white male to say! See what I mean? It’s so easy!
Reporter: Mmhmm. So has this been a success?
Ryan: Well, the results speak for themselves. We were at a 23% market share for hateful tweets and blogs this past week when Rush Limbaugh died. We hope to be the other side of 30% by the next one.
Reporter: That much content online was from your program?
Ryan: That’s right! We work closely with Google to monitor results. Google doesn’t charge us because they’re ultra-liberal as well and part of the same overarching conspiracy to….nvm and we can’t pay them because we simply don’t want them to and using liberal logic, that method tracks.
Reporter: Did you just say n-v-m?
Ryan: Yeah. IDK what we’re going to do about the devolution of our language.
Reporter: Same.
Ryan: This.
Reporter: Once more again for the racists in the back.
Ryan: IKR?!
Reporter: So what’s next for the Liberal Defamation League.
Ryan: Well, we’ve got some exciting things in the works, like drones that follow around prominent septua and octogenarian conservative figures, constantly monitoring their heart rate and brain activity. I’m confident that we can have our ready-to-order content hit the web no more than thirty seconds after someone dies. The boys over at Google think they can do it in five. I, being a realist and an avid comment thread expert disagree, so naturally I’m ready to use their own handiwork to dox them when the time comes (chuckles). So watch out, admirers, fans, family, and family of Clint Eastwood, your guy is on the clock!
Reporter: This interview is over.
Ryan: You got any spare change? I didn’t have my avocado toast this morning and I’m itching for a fix.
Buy my book (link below) and smash that like button like you were smashing a founding father in his pantaloons with the business end of your non-gun weapon of violence.
https://www.amazon.com/Ill-Fix-America-Tonight-weekend/dp/1977222730/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=I%27ll+Fix+america+tonight+%28well%2C+at+least+by+the+weekend%29&qid=1613152440&sr=8-1
Nathan Andrew Roberts wrote this and you didn’t.
