Try these topical clap-backs next time someone comes at you, bro
You drive more recklessly than Tiger Woods running to the corner store/running to pick up his pain pills/running after departing sponsors/running from relationship drama of his causing.
You’ve got another kid on the way? You guys are multiplying faster than unnecessary podcasts.
On a scale of Joe Biden to Bill Cosby/Jeffrey Epstein with Deshaun Watson in the middle, what was his creep factor?
My dad’s got lower expectations of me than Democrats have of black people.
That movie flopped worse than a striker in the penalty box.
Note: for anyone who lives in America, this one employed soccer terms.
You’re blinder to your own faults as a person than Republicans are of racism.
Republican variation: You cry about small things more than Democrats cry racism.
You came at me faster than conservatives rushing to defend gun rights after a mass shooting.
Conservative variation: You came at me faster than liberals rushing to destroy gun rights after a mass shooting.
Make sure to wring your mop out better. This floor is wetter than Cardi B’s genitals.
Note: spoken from the perspective of a fast food restaurant supervisor unhappy with the sloppy quality of their subordinate’s shift-ending mop work.
You think you can beat me in a footrace? I run faster than liberal corporations and film companies are removing their business from the state of Georgia.
Your voice is more nasally than Ben Shapiro with a sinus infection.
Liberal variation: Your voice is more nasally than Bill Maher with a sinus infection.
Hollywood variation: Your voice is more nasally than Fran Drescher with a sinus infection.
You do so many drugs, you could give circa 1970’s Rolling Stones a lesson.
Note: spoken from the perspective of someone throwing an intervention for a family member. Alcohol also works in this example.
My favorite show was cancelled like a celebrity caught saying something racist/homophobic/transphobic/Islamophobic/misogynist/mildly offensive.
I needed your dumb opinion on this comment thread like I needed those cute shoes I just got off Amazon.
I’m positive you have no reason to be so high on the body positivity scale.
Note: applicable in a fat-shaming situation
Speak up. You’re whispering like Billie Eilish singing ova’ heeeere.
You demolished those French Fries like FedEx drivers demolish packages.
Well, that did about as much good as a social activism hashtag.
I’d like you to massage me as deep as Fox News and CNN massage the news to fit their respective agendas.
Note: spoken from the perspective of a new client at a Shiatsu massage parlor.
We should go with them as our supplier. They make more crack than a quality chiropractor’s technique.
Note: spoken from the perspective of a crack dealer in the market for a new plug.
You could put a little effort into our sexual intimacy. Some nights it’s like having sex with a heroine addict who’s just shoved off.
I hate you more than social justice warriors hate the unfettered comedy stylings of Dave Chappelle!
That’s a lamer duck than Obama two years into his presidency when the DNC lost control of the House and the Senate.
Note: spoken from the perspective of a veterinarian giving his prognosis on an injured pet duck, or a duck enthusiast debating the merits of various duck breeds
Not every hill is worth dying on and not every Twitter feud is worth your lunch hour.
Note: what I would have said to Donald Trump on any given day of his presidency, were I one of his aides.
If a QAnon conspiracy married a C.S. Lewis fantasy novel, their baby would be less farfetched than that accusation.
Note: spoken from the perspective of a lover enduring recriminations.
Your IQ is lower than ___________’s (insert awards show of your choice) television ratings.
Our supervisor is more power-hungry than Democrats with a pandemic on their hands.
Democrat variation: You’re lazier and more negligent than Republicans with a pandemic on their hands.
You’re on your knees more than NFL players during the National Anthem.
Note: applicable in a slut-shaming situation
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Mic-drop image taken from:
https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/mic-drop
