China scolds musclebound actor, turns him into whimpering girly-man
Earlier this year, top Chinese officials met with top Biden administration officials in Alaska and dealt with them in an arrogant, haughty, and highhanded manner. That’s totally understandable. If I met the POTUS, I’d have to restrain the urge to give Sleepy Joe a noogie or Indian burn or atomic wedgie or talk mad s*** about his mama or joke on that stupid perma-confused look on his face or quote Billy Madison when he stuttered with a “to-to-to-today, Junior!” or hit on his wife in front of him or arm wrestle him while getting in his face Over the Top style with an “I own youuuuu!” or steal his lunch money or pants him in front of a group of pretty girls or talk about how punch-able his face is or start a Facebook group devoted to the low sexual scruples of his sister make him punch himself while taunting him with “stop hitting yourself” or tell him I won’t be his friend unless he streaks naked during a baseball game or hack into his devices and write a macro put in “I eat poop” whenever he types his name or…any number of hilarious bullying items from my arsenal.
But John Cena; musclebound star of so many mediocre and instantly forgettable action and comedy movies (his hilarious turn in Trainwreck notwithstanding)? No, no, no, something is either terribly wrong or something deeper and sinister is going on. Let’s unpack. Last week, Mr. Wave-my-hand-in-my-face-while-you’re-writing-in-pain told the country of Taiwan they would be the first country to see Fast and Furious plus Infinity plus one: we’re running out of ridiculously stupid things for cars to do, because it would be released in their country before any other country, and they could take pride in the fact that their country will see it first, thereby reminding other, lesser countries that they are, in fact, a country. This hit the radar of some Chinese oligarchs with some Chinese-sounding names who got like, all triggered and must have been literally shaking.
So they made Johnny neck-is-as-wide-as-my-head Certified Nurse’s Assistant apologize in Mandarin; a task which I’m sure tested his mental faculties to the limit if we’re going with the low-hanging fruit of muscly guys being dumb and I think we can all agree we’re going with that. Why all the fuss? China tends to not leave their citizens alone but they do like American money because American capitalism keeps their obscenely expensive form of communism alive, so we’ve been cool since they stole some auto-worker jobs from my dad’s friends in the 80’s.
And that’s it right there. Money. China is number one in population and number two in money made at the box office. Crappy movies that have way too many sequels like Fast and Furious and Transformers can fail here because Americans are getting tired of their formulaic nonsense and still be successful because Chinese people need crappy escapist fodder to stop thinking about how they are constantly being watched by aforementioned oligarchs.
Over there, Big Brother is watching you, breathing down your neck in a really creepy way, forcing you to get an abortion if you’ve met your offspring threshold, and pestering you incessantly about your car’s expiring warranty. They can’t have a Facebook or Twitter due to the unregulated free speech encouraged and practiced on them. They have their own state-sanctioned versions of these because nothing screams unfiltered expression party time like weaselly government bureaucrats with radically unfulfilling personal lives reviewing your posts for coded dissent, criticism, and revolutionary language before releasing them to your feed. Makes me want to throw some streamers in the air after meekly asking my mom for permission.
American advocates for socialism and communism can’t seem to reconcile in their minds the fact that Chinese people (along with others from oppressive regimes) are constantly flooding to America to enslave themselves for life in this capitalist hell-scape. So they practice the form of argumentation that comes naturally when screeching and insulting don’t work. They ignore it and keep swiping left for celebrities and leftist politicians who kowtow to China’s egotistical ways and means. One could say there’s such a thing as Chinese leader fragility if one wasn’t white and afraid of getting canceled for saying something about someone who’s not white. But yes, it is a thing. Marvel made The Ancient One from the Dr. Strange property white and woman and British because Chinese audiences wouldn’t even get the chance to get offended at a movie with a true Tibetan in the role because Chinese leaders would be whiny babies about it and not allow the movie to be released because they don’t want their people doing pesky things like having independent thoughts and agency.
So, Hollywood types make movies about greedy corporate types who are controlled by money and then stroke the phallus-shaped ego of China out of the other side of their mouth because Chinese money is almost as powerful as American money. If I ever meet John Cena, I’ll probably bully him a little bit and threaten him with Chinese retribution if he retaliates. Just for laughs. I’m putting the call out to Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon to revive their bodybuilder characters with all expediency. The clock is ticking on this one, boys. About thirty seconds from now, no one will care because another stupid outrage will have us totally outraged.
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Image taken from:
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/25/world/asia/john-cena-taiwan-apology.html
