Liberal actor flabbergasted to discover republicans are actually human
Almost every hero has to visit the lair of the enemy on their journey to see their quest to completion. Jonah was swallowed into the belly of the whale. Luke Skywalker entered the Death Star. Frodo entered Mount Doom. Ripley entered the queen alien’s hatchery. Harry Potter entered…a lot of things he was forbidden to enter but ended up doing so much good it makes one wonder about the judgment of the people running that awful school. He-man entered Castle Greyskull. Kim Kardashian entered law school. Matt Damon entered Oklahoma.
Fresh on the heels of proving the mentally retarded caricature of him from Team America: World Police all too true—his daughter had to teach him to not say mean words like “faggot”—Damon stated in an interview to promote his new movie Stillwater that he went to barbecues and interacted with oil workers and other Trump voters. Inculcating himself into their society and culture like Diane Fossey did with gorillas (and probably putting himself at even more risk than she did), he realized this is a people who are real humans that live, laugh, eat, pray, love, sing, and cast votes for American Idol. Variety praises him as he “finds the humanity in a Trumper” (link below). One can’t bow the knee fast enough in recognition of what is no doubt a massive and painful descent into hell. To see those you despise as real humans? Such a feat, it leaves one barely able to breathe. He reported his findings—one can safely presume written in crayon on the walls of his mom’s house—below:
“They all have goatees, the sunglasses. They’re not six-pack ab guys, but they’re strong”, also noting they’re able to buy jeans that are made with special fire retardant. He continued (in the dialogue I made up for this essay so as to have a laugh):
“They have a curious way of walking upright without the help of muscular and calloused knuckles. One does not expect this from a Trump supporter. They defied my predetermined expectations of their mating rituals by romantically wooing, and not clubbing their chosen mate into stupefaction. Communication is not limited to grunts and points. Rather, they have constructed a language of symbols and words that is nearly intricate and layered as my own. Their songs of worship to the Christian God contain rhyme, meter, varied notes that work in conjunction to maintain a recognizable melody, development of a theme, a complex refrain, and all the other trappings of music fashioned by those blessed with self-awareness and intelligence in greater measure than the primitive beasts of the field. They cut, style, maintain, wash, and condition their hair without the need to preen each other for bugs. Their houses; often dry, warm, and quite waterproof, are organized and congenial to a social visit and functional upbringing of children who are able to take advantage of indoor plumbing and bathe on a regular basis. They don’t spit, hiss, claw, and stomp the ground when a negro enters their field of view. Their pants don’t reek of their own dried and crusty fecal leavings. There is much more to report but that shall have to wait until my peer reviewed essay is published and disseminated. All in all, I was pleasantly surprised by my time with them. One wonders with great anticipation if they will remember me upon my next visit, and if I can travel without the cumbersome (yet possibly necessary) burden of a tranquilizer rifle. I look forward to sharing my additional findings upon my next excursion to the ponderous wilds of middle America.”
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://variety.com/2021/film/columns/matt-damon-stillwater-humanity-trump-column-1235032195/
Variety quote taken from:
https://variety.com/2021/film/columns/matt-damon-stillwater-humanity-trump-column-1235032195/