Social media sites go down; millions tortured by having only themselves for company
October 4th, 2021. A date which will live in minor irritation-famy and soon be forgotten as soon as our ADHD-addled news cycle has something else to distract us with (probably racism-related), as Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, Messenger, and Oculus simultaneously experienced a whole heaping helping of bad juju, and no amount of kicking the tires or trickle charge from the neighbor’s SUV as they make passive-aggressive irritated little comments like “I have to get to the bank before they close; I wish I could have help more” and “Do you have AAA?” could help. The jokes stemming from my essay title write themselves, so let’s not waste anymore time with unnecessary background information or laborious journalism. We collected and interviewed a few social media archetypes:
Thirsty for Clicks: Here we have Madison Schoonmaker; an Instagram model and influencer…
Madison: Just model. I’m not trying to be a life coach and I find all life paths, beliefs, and choices to be equally valid, so I don’t consider myself an influencer. I don’t want to tell people what composter, vape juice, makeup, or sex toy to buy and use. I’m just an Insta model, though I don’t make a livable wage off it just yet.
Thirsty for Clicks: And I’ve spent more than a few hours on Call of Duty. Can I call myself a soldier in that case?
Madison: Beg pardon?
Thirsty for Clicks: Never mind. Just making an insulting comment on the sly which will probably go over your head.
Madison: (looking up) Do you think those birds ever get electrocuted sitting on the power lines like that?
Thirsty for Clicks: Instagram model, Madison Schumpmaker. How does the outage of the Gram and FB make you feel? How has this impacted you?
Madison: Like, severely. Hours—literal HOURS—have passed since I put some softcore porn and provocative but PG-13 shots of my boobs on the internet. I want—no, need—the attention like I need air and water and Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Like, how can we even live like this? Are we Ethiopia or some shit?
Thirsty for Clicks: And what is the point of these photos?
Madison: Thirsty comments from creepy guys who don’t understand how immeasurably far out of their league I am and consider myself despite the fact that I make it seem like I like their attention and am attainable. But like, if you’re going to have the gall to walk around with face and body like that and talk to me, bro, you’d better have a whole mess of zeros in your bank account balance because I’m a feminist and yay for feminism. OH! And on my Insta they can click on my bio and be directed to my OF.
Thirsty for Clicks: Where, we can presume, are more R-rated photos?
Madison: Not on the basic $8.99/month subscription, no. You get what you’d get on my Insta.
Thirsty for Clicks: For free?
Madison: Well, yeah, but when you subscribe, you get an automated message from my account that’s pretending to be me. Heavy use of romantic words like “baby” and “lover” is employed to get you to buy a day’s batch of nude photos for $21.99.
Thirsty for Clicks: How is this good for feminism?
Madison: I’m not sure, but some ugly feminists told me it is and I don’t really like thinking for myself—my hawtness being the lion’s share of my personality—so I take what they said at face value.
Thirsty for Clicks: Well, you’re certainly making strides for something.
Madison: I just sent you an invitation to follow me on Facebook, where you’ll see my TikTok username, where you’ll find my Instagram link, which is where you’ll find my OF name.
Thirsty for Clicks: I love a good treasure hunt. I feel like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole.
Madison: Huh? Your name was Robby, you said. I’m confused.
Thirsty for Clicks: (smacks the stupid out of Madison)
Madison: (proceeds to sign up for college courses)
Thirsty for Clicks: Next up is Kevin Coralinner. Possibly my last interviewee because I’m really starting to evaluate my life choices after that last one. How has this social media blackout affected you?
Kevin: Well, I run about five or six incel group pages. Plus I’m a moderator on several pages that I don’t run. Plus I’m on comment boards all day fighting the matriarchy and blaming women for things that clearly aren’t womenkind’s fault. The blackout brought all this important and necessary activity to a screeching halt.
Thirsty for Clicks: I don’t get it. So this is your job? How does one monetize this?
Kevin: Oh, I’m not gainfully employed. I’d call this incel movement more of a revolution than a job.
Thirsty for Clicks: Just for the sake of the reader at home who can’t see you, is it safe for them to assume you hit the normal stereotypes for this ilk of “men”?
Kevin: Yessiree. And nice job, putting “men” in quotation marks!
Thirsty for Clicks: Rightyo. We’ll put them in bullet point form for ease of reading:
300+LB
Lives in mom’s basement
Spends inordinate hours playing Call of Duty, calling other players the n-word, and uses “rape” in wildly inappropriate battle royal video game contexts
Has never shopped the perimeter aisles of his local grocery store
Doesn’t understand the idea that we men can be ugly/overweight but create value in women’s eyes by having a good job and solid prospects
Maintains crushes on women in and out of his league but never vocalizes them and uses their disinterest as justification to be mad at all women and make broad-brush statements about them
Frequents YouTube content that specializes in explaining Easter eggs in Marvel and Star Wars movies and debating fight scenarios between heroes/villains in different artistic universes
Plans to make money Twitching, whatever that is but can’t seem to scrape the cash together for a video camera.
Practices good hygiene on an as-needed basis
Has thought about engaging in a mass shooting while scheduling his life around movie and game releases
Thirsty for Clicks: That just about do it?
Kevin: Pretty much. I’d add that I’m an insufferable person and I don’t enjoy my own company. Yesterday’s blackout was torture for me, having to be around me.
Thirsty for Clicks: I can see that.
Kevin: Right?! I mean, I can see you’re uncomfortable and squirming. I’m not even offended. I’m repulsed by my presence and would escape it if I could. I don’t even have past traumas to use as an excuse to disassociate. I’m stuck here!
Thirsty for Clicks: What about eating a salad and sending a few resumes out? The world is literally hiring right now.
Kevin: You’d think that’d be a positive start, I know! But my mom really did me a disservice and my dad left early on so whatever blame for my life that isn’t to be heaped on women rests squarely on my folks’ shoulders. It’s pretty sweet.
Thirsty for Clicks: (tries to smack the stupid out of Kevin but his gelatinous fat absorbs the blow like Blob from X-men. Kevin laughs and uses his obese-man pointing broom to show Thirsty for Clicks the door)
Thirsty for Clicks: Next up in this train wreck is Shawna. Shawna, why am I talking to you and what is the meaning of all this?
Shawna: Well, I know that Twitter is the normal outlet for canceling people who have unacceptable opinions but my group and I spend our time using our Facebook clout to take away jobs from people who we deem worthy of canc—
Thirsty for Clicks: (proceeds to mercilessly slap her, not even caring whether or not the stupid should ever exit her body) STOP IT! JUST STOP! DON’T DO THAT! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! DON’T DO IT EVER AGAIN!
Thirsty for Clicks: We were able to get two people together who suffered a public an acrimonious breakup. Julie and Phil, when was the last time you two sat down civilly together in the same room?
Julie: Counting the times we hooked up and had angry sex, bruh?
Thirsty for Clicks: Not counting those times.
Phil: Then about three years ago, bro.
Thirsty for Clicks: One could say you’ve had your fair share of drama and relationship chaos, yes?
Julie: Yeah. I don’t really like to call him my “baby daddy” because he’s not much of a daddy to our kid so I call him the more dignified “sperm donor”. Ray-jay, Tim, Deshawn, Albert, Sheldon, Tommy, Richard, Harold, and Pooky Dude have all been better daddies to Destiny Hennessey Prius Johnson III, bruh.
Thirsty for Clicks: Sperm donor is much more dignified.
Phil: See what I mean here, bro?
Thirsty for Clicks: What do you mean? What are you referring to?
Phil: I’ve done some pretty harsh but totally earned bashing of Julie on my Facebook over the years and that was after getting her name tattooed on my calf on like, the sixth date I think it was when we found out she was pregnant. We had such a solid foundation and she threw it all away, gave our daughter some real ho-ass stripper names, and has a revolving door of would-be dads coming through her house when she’s not busy hooking up with me and then trashing me after I hit-and-quit. I figured you would have done your research and read my Facebook feed before you got the interview. Not knowing what I was referring to when I said “see what I mean here, bro?” is on you, bro.
Thirsty for Clicks: Yes, not doing my interview research on your Facebook feed is my mistake.
Julie: Yeah, but what he fails to mention is that when he trashes me on his Facebook he uses my name. That’s gross and rude and effed up, bruh. When I trash him, I just make cryptic statements directed to him but without his name because I’m dignified and I know my girlfriends who wanna be with him but I won’t let ‘em be with him because I won’t have him cheating on me after we hook up will just report it to him anyway.
Thirsty for Clicks: So you both air each other’s dirty laundry on Facebook and have your friends pile on your ex and get mixed up in the drama despite the fact that they’ve got extremely limited information and insight into the whole thing. Is that a fair assessment?
Julie: Bruh
Phil: Bro
Thirsty for Clicks: I’m going to assume that means yes and keep it moving. So the blackout affected you because you didn’t have an outlet for your frustrations with one another?
Julie: Bruh, like, right? I was stuck feeling my feelings. I don’t wanna go there ever again. Not a good place.
Phil: Bro, like 100! I don’t know what to do with myself when I can’t make my problems other people’s problems. And I don’t even wanna hear about owning them and taking responsibility. That’s such a foreign and gross concept and not really my vibe. I’ve got this one and other baby mamas to duck and trash online.
Julie: Bruh, and we’re like, really dramatic people who crave attention and our friends are like, really messy people who crave drama and juicy gossip.
Phil: Bro, that’s like a win-win for everyone involved.
Thirsty for Clicks: I’d suggest the fix to your problems is moving into a double-wide, having another kid, and getting married at a local VFW post with a cash bar, in that order.
Julie: That sounds like a volatile and explosive couple of weeks, bruh.
Thirsty for Clicks: Yeah, but entertaining for the rest of us. (proceeds to not even attempt to slap the stupid out of Julie and Phil because the task would be too long and violent in the doing)
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Image taken from:
https://www.goodto.com/entertainment/entertainment-news/why-did-social-media-go-down-reason-behind-facebook-whatsapp-and-instagram-outage-revealed-622365
