Now you can hire Travis Scott to be your life coach!
He’s fixing to call his new life-coaching services Stirring the Pot, Inc. and it’ll soon be up and running once licensing and insurance documents come through. For you see, Travis has this uncanny knack of getting other people to make bad choices. He’s like that kid in high school who stops at your locker during passing time and is all “You gonna let the English teacher talk to you like that bro?”. Next thing you know, you’re throwing acid in the formerly handsome Mr. Havershom’s face and doing, like six days being part of an adorable teeny-bopper gang in juvie because juvie’s a joke (though it does seem to be prerequisite training for harder time in big boy prison).
He’s that guy who says things like “It’s not that far of a drop.”, “Have you ever stolen a stop sign?”, “Dude, what would happen if you mixed bath salts and Tide pods?!?!”. He’s the guy whose catchphrase is “Bruh, this is some BS” whenever a meeting about new policies with the supervisor adjourns and the subordinates clump in a gossip circle on their way back to their workstations. He’s the guy who goads you to sass your dad over some trifling matter about chores or curfew with “My dad doesn’t talk to me like that” while withholding vital information like his dad is not in his life and doesn’t talk to him at all.
He’s the one who goes around getting other kids to protest school uniforms by organizing a day when they all plan to wear shirts with obscenities on them, doesn’t come in that day, and snitches to the principal about the ringleaders once suspensions have been doled out. He tells his buddy the way to keep his girl while he does his stretch for getting caught transporting a few ounces of the good stuff is to get her pregnant right before but then spends the next few years staying over and “comforting her” without ol’ boy’s knowledge.
So if you’re a stupid person and prefer to surround yourself with other even stupider people so you don’t look as stupid by comparison and have run out of stupid ideas and are looking to take some stupid risks so as to give your stupid life some by going stupid viral, give his stupid agency a call. Let’s run down some of the things he’s known for (There’s a few fake ones and a prize for spotting them all):
Said “I wanna see some ragers, man” to 50,000 concertgoers at the 2021 Astroworld Festival, inciting a crowd of—shall we say too many people for such a small space—to rush the VIP section, thereby resulting in hundreds of injuries and nine deaths (at last count).
Continued performing for half an hour once the ambulance (the top of which was being danced on by one could call the most inconsiderate and oblivious buttholes to ever curse this world with their presence) had cleared out and concert officials had declared a mass casualty event.
Told a white buddy to wear blackface to a Halloween party with a bunch of other rappers and was like “Everyone’s cool, they know you’re doing it ironically”. Said white buddy was never seen again.
Been sued and arrested for goading a concert attendee on a balcony to jump off it. The man was pushed from behind and paralyzed by the fall. But hey, at least his lawyer issued a statement saying Travis was “devastated and heartbroken”.
Remarked to one of his hangers-on who got paid to be his friend that he always wanted to see someone survive a suicide-by-cop.
Told fans to jump the barricades at the 2015 Lollapalooza because security officials who maintain safe numbers in confined spaces are basically window dressing. Not to mention the fact that traditional concert paradigms should be eschewed and people who bought cheap tickets should experience the concert in the same proximity to the stage as those who paid a lot more.
Convinced his nephew that a hornets nest was really a piñata and he should take a couple whaps at for some delicious candy treats. Subsequently found out just how allergic to stings his nephew is and how much a child’s body can swell up before the skin breaks and starts to ooze all manner of fluids.
Was arrested and charged with inciting a riot in 2017 for telling the crowd to rush the stage and bypass security protocols because if he’s anything, it’s consistent.
Was walking in the woods with his girlfriend when they came upon a bear’s hibernation cave (they could hear the creature snoring). Subsequently dared her to take a long stick and poke it. RIP, LaQuandria Renee McManus III. I’ll pour a 40 down the drain in remembrance of you.
Effectively told his fans to follow their hearts in a 2015 interview by stating “You find anything you're gonna use to consume to get you, like, lit...whether it's your drugs, whether it's your water, whether it's your orange juice or your alcohol, do whatever you wanna do, man". In this context, “Lit” can literally be translated as “in such a stupid state of mind so as to do whatever stupid thing that pops into your stupid brain that your stupid parents probably warned you against doing but you’re going to stupid do it anyway”.
Is this some grand social experiment? Is he security guard-blind? Do they even exist as real people in his mind? Is he really a secret social engineer, brilliantly herding dumb people to reach for the outer limits of absurd behavior? Is he a demigod Nine from the relatively unknown Ryan Reynolds 2007 vehicle The Nines, moving in and out of Sim City-esque scenarios as he studies the complex ant farm that is humanity? Are we just chattel to him, fit for observation, consumption, and discarding? Is he the god of goading and trolling, laughing in his sleeves as his subjects test the boundaries of stupidity? Wouldn’t you like to know (insert evil laugh). Lord help any impressionable youths in his posse if the man ever discovers the MTV show Jackass and its related movies.
If you lack basic intelligence and cognitive skills and warning labels about ingesting harmful liquids are, like, whatever man, create an account at www.brainfart.com—Your password doesn’t need to contain special characters or numbers because memory-ing complex things is taxing on the mind and spirit—and see what new exciting events and hospital visits are in store for you!
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Info taken from:
https://www.cnn.com/2021/11/09/entertainment/travis-scott-injuries-violence-concerts-cec/index.html
Image taken from:
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-59286623
