Nearly every Facebook user to be called as expert witness in Rittenhouse trial
So this is gonna take awhile. I’d say by the time the eighteen-year-old Kyle Rittenhouse becomes a grandfather, we can finally wrap things up. Why such exhaustive thoroughness? Well that’s an easy one. The American justice system’s first, primary, and ultimate goal is meting out justice. It can’t do this without establishing truth. It can’t do that if truth is subjective. Since some of the loudest, codependent, and most obnoxious among us have agreed on everyone else’s behalf that truth is subjective, we are left no choice but to call all arbiters and possessors of individual, malleable truth to the witness stand every time a high-profile case shines forth in all its high-profile luminescent glory.
That means you, Lebron. Stop dribbling, un-shut up, raise your right hand, and make with the solemnly swearing. That means you, leftists and hardcore democrats, if you can bear to sit in the same room with an accused person who’s discharged a firearm without vomiting up your avocado toast. Oh, and there will be guards and bailiffs there who—in addition to being armed with pistols—kind of look like police and we all know y’all and police ain’t on speaking terms at this particular moment. Do your best not to make any riot-themed messes on your way over. I know that statue is triggering. Deal with it like an adult. Why are you doxing me? Why are you calling my employer trying to get me fired? What does “unacceptable opinions” even mean? Why are you screaming fascist at me? No, I’m not a racist just because I’m white. Can I be done with this conversation now?
That means you, alt-right wackos and hardcore republicans, if you can bear to be in the same room as representatives of the mainstream media without vomiting up your beef jerky and whatever beer is the current “America’s beer”. I don’t enjoy having someone urinating in my mouth, so I shy away from beer as a categorical rule. I know that snowflakes and libtards are annoying. They’re still people. Yes they are. Are too. Yuh-huh plus infinity—wait for it—plus one. I know what “libtards” means. You don’t have to explain the joke or the etymology. Why are you waving that Confederate Flag in my face? Why are you talking so loud? I’m right here. Why are you chanting “Let’s Go Brandon”? Can I be done with this conversation now?
That might also mean you, classical liberals and leave-me-be conservatives. For if you’ve ever looked at a Rittenhouse story on your timeline and said “the universe will stop spinning without my opinion on the matter”, posted a meme, gone on a rant, told someone to educate themselves, called someone an idiot (or worse), or participated in the debates over this divisive story to even the smallest degree, you’re up next. After the eighty-cagillion-million expert witnesses in front of you, that is. You know what you did, right? You took a drastically small amount of information, a few seconds of video, filtered them through your dogmatic, entrenched, and unflinching biases (what any wise man or venerated scientist would do), and spewed out the truth of what happened. You know the truth of what happened and it’ll soon be your turn to lay it out, even if your truth is diametrically opposed and mutually exclusive to the truth that the next guy knows.
That Truth is a silly and capricious guy, no? Never know what he’ll do next. What are you gonna do? Go back to admitting that a creator God determines truth, it floats above our heads out of our reach, and the best we can hope to do is align ourselves under it and admit our mistake when we fail to do so? Now you’re just being gross and obtuse.
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Image taken from:
https://people.com/crime/kyle-rittenhouse-takes-stand-own-defense-homicide-trial/
