Lack of riots leaves MSU fans wondering if U of M really knows how to win big games
Author’s preface: I’m not only a lifelong Michigan fan, I’m a Michigan grad and I avoid shopping at Walmart like one would avoid attending Michigan State University were they to have better options (like not going to college or a commission-based telemarketing gig). Any reader who has heretofore become accustomed to Thirsty for Clicks; the fake news media outlet I made up to garner a few laughs in my corner of the literary world and its truth-first-no-spin-no-punditry brand of journalism, be prepared for some extremely biased and snarky remarks. Any Michigan State Spartan reading and offended by this piece should take it as a joke and then probably get back to double bagging my milk. Then focus their energy on that challenging coloring by numbers book when their fifteen minute break comes up.
History was made Saturday, November 27th, Year of Our Lord 2021. My beloved Michigan Wolverines finally got that particular hairy, unruly, mischievous, feces-flinging monkey off their back. As an intellectually honest Michigan Man, I must admit that it’s inexcusable to call their games with OSU a “rivalry” because rivalries are supposed to be competitive. It’s also inexcusable for it to have gotten to this point. As a frustrated Michigan Man, I must admit that so many years of defeat actually made this one sweeter. Let’s just not do that again, mmkay? My Buckeye friends—the fans and grads of that school that I pretend to be friends with—have been really loud for the last ten years. And that’s saying a lot for someone who’s steadily losing his hearing.
So what happened after the game? Michigan fans hugged, cried, laughed, cheered, and hopped on the football field to take selfies of the other 20,000 or so other people on the field. OSU fans quietly ducked out and avoided trash talking on social media. There were no riots between rival fans—possibly because the game was held in Ann Arbor. Things might have gone a little more punchy/bitey/kicky/shooty were ceremonies to have commenced in Columbus. No one took the perfectly good couch from their campus housing out to the street and set it on fire. There was a pronounced lack of insurance claims for smashed windshields and flipped cars. The police didn’t have to worry about dredging a river in search of missing teenagers. The peace was not in the slightest disturbed and the comparative silence was deafening. So much so we decided to find out just what’s wrong with Michigan fans.
First off, you need a 3.8 GPA to get into Michigan (or not be white with worse grades but that’s another conversation). You need a 3.2 GPA to get into Michigan State. So I’m not saying that MSU candidates need to wear helmets during the day and should stick to Velcro shoes, but I’m also not NOT saying that. Michigan is known around the world as a place for medical innovation and their law school. Michigan State is known around the world as having a very fine veterinary school. So if you want to cure your cancer or be a successful lawyer trying the premier cases, you go to Ann Arbor. If you want to spend your life inseminating cows (and accepting all of the factors that vocation entails and I think you know what I mean), you go to East Lansing. But why do Michigan people not riot and cause a ruckus? Why are they so much more polite, well-mannered, law abiding, physically attractive, and practice better hygiene than MSU people?
For the answer, we went to the source. We found an MSU student aimlessly wandering the streets as his mom shopped for stripper clothes. Upon getting his mother’s consent to interview him—he’s over 18 but still legally under her care (we didn’t ask why but have our theories)—and allowing thirty minutes to let his ADHD medicine take effect, all we got was a few broken sentences rife with grammar and syntax errors. Something to the effect of “Bro, why don’t yous guys try setting yerselfs on fire one time for the one time? Me and my bro Jeremy did it after slamming some shots and it’s friggin’ awesome! Y’all bros wanna come to my bail hearing? SPARTY ON!!!!!”
So there you have it folks, for what it’s worth. You can draw your own conclusions (If you’ve gone to Michigan and have the cognitive faculties to absorb evidence and draw conclusions).
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Image taken from:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uO4mdrUxepk
