Twitter is giving tattletales their chance at the cool kids table
Well hey there! I like to tell on people. Come now, don’t recoil in disgust. It’s really not a bad gig. Just hear me out. My name is Havendorfer Snodgrass, but my real name (i.e. Twitter handle) is @stool.e.pigeon. I’m what you might call a professional tattletale. Do I make money at it? Well, no, not yet. But once we’ve got the current clowns in Washington out of office and have voted in the right people, I’m sure some laws can be written and finagled to make it so I and others can make a decent living.
After all, I’ve got 40,000 (and counting) followers on Twitter. If gorgeous women with buxom figures can monetize their following, so can those who render an invaluable service to society and companies far and wide.
First, I follow all sorts of prominent people and public figures. Then I scour their feeds for unacceptable content; be it original posts containing racist views, Republican-leaning comment thread arguments, or even likes of problematic jokes. People should really think about the consequences we busybodies can trigger before they hit the like button. With the right legislation, it’ll soon be akin to signing a binding contract which states the liked post speaks for you and your personal stances. Then we can really be efficient as we weed out undesirables and secret Nazis from ever having anything to do with the entertainment industry, becoming public figures, or going outside to buy food and other necessities.
Furthermore, I royally screw up the lives and careers of everyday folks who typically have more personal success (both in the professional and relationship realms) than I’ve had. There’s no jealousy involved here, so please don’t let that idea enter your thinking. I’m not jealous. I’m not. Stop bringing it up. I don’t like jelly on my avocado toast and I don’t get jelly in my ways and means and I’ll thank you to not mention it anymore. When a Karen has a run-in with a black person, I automatically re-Tweet the video with a “Racist Karen confronts…” tag, whether or not anything racist was spoken because wild assumptions are the name of the game nowadays, feel me playa? Any time some conservative dude says something at all offensive to the hypersensitive and loudest among us, I make sure that group of people finds out and cancels him. Then, I do a little research and find out who employs him, asking my following to harass said employer with nonstop phone calls demanding his termination. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m somewhat of an unpaid internet sleuth whose best friends are my cats and we’re something of a special breed of person.
I got my start with this kind of work at an early age. You’re right if you’ve already presumed my mother doomed me to a really rough go of it when she named me Havendorfer. Couple that with abandonment issues stemming from a father who was too uncouth to even make up a lie about going for a pack of smokes. He flat-out said “I’m leaving you and your mother and it’s about 75% your fault.” Tie that up in a ball of yarn named “substandard-to-nonexistent coping skills” and you’ve pretty much figured me out.
From the start, everyone knew I’d be an unspectacular person. I don’t really tell myself “no” so I’ve always had a bit of a weight problem. Some might call me obese but I know I’m perfect because fat people who are more famous than me have made it taboo to tell someone they should eat healthy and exercise. I’m of average height but have always been undisciplined, lazy, and unfocused when it came to athletics so I’m awkward and clumsy in tasks requiring physical prowess. Teachers, administrators, and my mom always mentioned something called “pronounced lack of scholastic effort” around me but I could never figure out what that means nor do I care to because I’m perfect. I blame my lack of achievement on others because I’m an American under the age of 30 and that’s what we do.
I knew I had to do something to get ahead in life because working hard and taking obstacles head-on just isn’t my vibe (I’m really grossed out by anyone who actually does this). So I started volunteering to be that kid who’s job it is to write down names of who was talking when the teacher stepped out to use the restroom. Hall monitor? Sign me up. Standing appointment with the principal every Friday after school with the latest and greatest scuttlebutt with cold lunchroom pizza as my remuneration? Yes please. Wearing that gay little sash and pulling parking lot crossing duty and making friends with the younger kids who don’t know how uncool my peers see me as? I don’t really see a downside here. CI for the police? My mom and I can’t afford anything but urban living anyway, so that’s a win-win. Snitching on my cousins when they throw rocks at old abandoned buildings and shoot local birds with their BB guns that they won’t let me use? You make it sound like that’s a bad thing. If I’d had any older siblings I SO would have been the crybaby/tattletale of the family and worn that badge proudly. Mom and dad stopped with me either because I’m perfect or because they saw what I was becoming and didn’t want to pollute the gene pool anymore but probably because I’m perfect.
Bro, be cool and don’t overreact, but whispering juicy gossip in the ear of a handsomely dressed man is my kink.
And then Twitter came along. Now I’ve got the chance to build a system of income to make me one of those people who has money without being one of those gross and off-putting people I mentioned above who make money by working hard. Who cares that only 20% of American adults are on Twitter? And who cares that 25% of that 20% are the only ones creating content and using it regularly. So Twitter is basically 1.25% of the American population talking to each other and canceling each other and arguing with each other and snarkily farting all over each other’s opinions. Have you seen the disproportionate amount of influence that little bird wields? It’s kind of neat when you think about it!
Twitter represents the general population’s thinking because I say it does. Twitter is a real place to me, and me is all that matters. That little blue checkmark next to my name will catapult me to the level of influencer, then it’s all selling out for corporate sponsors and shilling crappy products for this guy. Who’ll be ROFLing then, all you folks who never and still don’t believe in me? Looking at you, mom.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Images taken from:
https://lizkislik.com/tag/tattletale/
https://marketingcommunications.wvu.edu/industry-insights/marketing-communications-today-blog/2020/07/21/understanding-cancel-culture-for-brands-and-marketers
