Breaking News: A bunch of weirdoes handled conflicts without pulling out their phones
Counterculture. Outside the mainstream. Swimming upstream. Challenging and eschewing societal norms. Marching to a beat of a different drummer. Call it what you want. Some people just won’t do things the way most of us do it. Does that make them weird and gross? Here at Thirsty for Clicks we maintain the highest journalistic standards and refuse to editorialize based on our biases, but yes. Yes it makes them weird and gross and after finishing this story, we don’t want to ever be around their gross bodies again. Kind of how like most people get all skeeved out after being worked over by a car mechanic.
Our first subjects today bucked tradition and therefore deserve every inch of our scorn. Karen and Kyle Johnson were shopping for storage bins at Target one day. Karen has asthma. Kyle has a sagging beer belly and likes to wear sweat-stained Coors Light hats and t-shirts with worn out necklines that are low which reveal his graying chest hair. All the variables are in place to allow you safety in making certain assumptions about where this story is headed, right? Keep reading if you like to be surprised. They weren’t wearing COVID masks and, naturally, were stopped at the door by a college kid just doing her job. Her name’s not important. We would say she’s the victim in this situation, but said situation is so weird that we don’t know what to think.
“Excuse me ma’am, can I get you to put on a mask while you’re in the store, please?” was all she said. Karen rolled her eyes and affected an annoyed look. Our Target employee steeled her nerves for the coming battle. Storm clouds were gathering. “I have a medical exemption but since you said it so nicely and you’re such a cute little thing, I’ll go ahead and put it on” was Karen’s response. And she did put it on! That wasn’t a sarcastic response. There was no flippancy or resulting tension. What could have been something for us to laugh at and judge the participants for ages to come didn’t even involve cellphone cameras. Think about that for a second. Take some time to reflect on how gross you feel right now. And it gets worse!
Later on, Kyle had loaded their cart with a bunch of plastic storage bins because he likes to store things at home, presumably in bins. They were loaded precariously high and he had to hold them steady as the cart rolled down the aisle. An African-American mother of two accidentally ran into his cart with hers and the bins went toppling. All the racial, temperamental, and situational pieces were in place. The internet was ready for another showdown where the race card and obligatory “I’m not racist!” are bandied back and forth. This tradition goes back at least ten years, and ten years is like, a million years. Unfortunately for us, all he said was “Ope”. She said “I’m so sorry, let me help you get those". He answered “Oh no, you’re fine” in midwestern fashion and smiled as he gathered his items back up. Eyewitnesses were stunned. They’d never seen such a thing. If there weren’t so many firsthand accounts, we frankly wouldn’t have believed this ever happened. We’re still a shade suspicious this wasn’t just a tale out of school, but we just report the news, we don’t interpret it.
Our next subject is Jason Caruthers; a self-styled “Sovereign Citizen” who got pulled over by Police Officer Shawn Rodriguez a few days ago for speeding in a school zone. We wouldn’t believe the story if Officer Rodriguez’s body cam footage didn’t corroborate his report. We all expected rants of “traveling, not driving”, “I’m a person, my name is a corporation”, demands to speak to the lieutenant, and refusal to open the window and officer Rodriguez angrily breaking it to drag him out while he screams in a pitch hilariously much too high for a grown man. None of this happened, and the world is worse for it. We’re really tripping out right now (makes explosion hand gesture right next to head). Here’s the transcript:
Jason C: Officer, what seems to be the problem?
Officer R: You were going eleven over in a school zone.
Jason C: Can you show me the scan?
Officer R: I’d be happy to. Can I get your license, registration, and proof of insurance?
Jason C: I’d like you to know that I disagree with your interpretation of the U.S. Constitution, and feel it is necessary to put my disagreement on record.
Officer R: (gripping belt in tense anticipation of oncoming battle of words) I can appreciate that and still need to see-
Jason C: Having said that-and pardon me for cutting you off-I am sorry for speeding in this manner. I know that traffic laws are designed to protect us. Here is my documentation.
Officer R: (at a loss for words) I’m at a loss for words. I’ll be right back.
Jason C: I’ll be here (laughs)!
You a little weirded out right now? That’s natural. What isn’t natural is how Jason responded. What could have been a conflict handled in the normal way went all pervy. He deprived us of a wonderful piece of entertainment and left an indelible stain on the title “Sovereign Citizen”. We can only hope Mr. Caruthers learns from this experience and does better. We who follow tried and true methods of conflict resolution don’t need to do better. Mr. Caruthers needs to do better.
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