Oscar Statue taking time to reflect after publicly embarrassing himself
True journalism entails finding people at their lowest point and asking them “So how did you feel when that happened” because public meltdowns sell almost as well as sex. This last Sunday, the ceremony carrying the name of today’s interviewee fell completely flat on its face, getting fewer viewers than mildly interesting App of the Week reviews on YouTube. Naturally, Thirsty for Clicks was there to crane our necks at Oscar’s career as it wildly veers into oncoming traffic.
“Thanks for sitting down with me today.”
“Well, you did pay us for the interview, so as long as the check clears, it’s our pleasure.”
(begins sobbing) “I’m sorry for crying already.”
“I see we’re jumping right into the weird, awkward part?” (whispers to cameraman) “Are you rolling?”
(composes himself) “Would you like some coffee? I think I put a pot on the other day.”
“No thank you. Why don’t you tell us what’s going on?”
“Well, I just don’t think anyone likes me anymore.”
“Shhh, shhh, don’t think that.”
“Really!?”
“No, we know that no one likes you anymore. Boom! Roasted.”
“Hey guy! Not a good time for that.”
“Sorry. Couldn’t help myself. Plus I’m mildly autistic.”
“Still though. Practice some self-awareness.”
“Okay, so let’s talk about self-awareness since you brought it up. Why do you think you’ve bottomed out so epically at 9 million viewers?”
“You tell me.”
“Could it be the constant lecturing you throw at your viewers?”
“No, they like smug sermonizing.”
“Could it be that it’s too long and too boring?”
“No, if there’s one thing movie fans like, it’s pomp and circumstance, followed by refusing to get to the point with just a dash of verbal masturbation.”
“Could it be that it’s just a bunch of people with a fantastically bloated sense of self-importance giving BS awards to their friends?”
“No, I’m sure everyone has award ceremonies at their place of business for jobs well done. They’re stupid if they don’t.”
“Could it be that this particular year, there were so few movies released into theaters that the pool of eligible films was so much smaller, not to mention being chocked full of clinical depression-inducing snooze-fests?”
“No, the public loves slow, weepy, message movies and being shown the banality and pointlessness of their lives.”
“Could it be that people don’t trust that the votes and winners really reflect how the academy feels now that rules of inclusion and not quality determine who is nominated?”
“No, if there’s one thing people can’t get enough of, it’s forced and flaunted diversity from an industry that still pigeonholes non-white actors into only playing people who constantly talk about their ethnicity. That’s how people really talk, after all. They constantly remind friends, family, and coworkers of their race in normal conversation, am I right?”
“Could it be that no one thanks God or the fans anymore?”
“No, it’s not God and the fans who make movies and their luxurious lifestyles possible. Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Could it be that you’ve dropped the definitive ‘and the winner is’ phrase for the disingenuously coddling ‘and the Oscar goes to’ phrase?”
“No, because everyone is a winner in all arenas and contexts and walks of life and everyone deserves recognition and an award and it makes people who don’t get the award feel like a loser when they hear the word ‘winner’ coming from the presenter’s mouth.”
“You don’t think they can just cope and deal with it like normal adults in…well, every other walk of life do?”
“I don’t think they can, and certainly shouldn’t have to.”
“Wow. I thought we were going to talk about self-awareness but apparently not.”
“What was that?”
(clears throat awkwardly) “I said, what are you doing with yourself until next year’s train wreck?”
“Well, I thought I’d work on my music. I’ve had this project on the shelf for a while. I’ve done a little bit of sleeping in, just to clear my head, you know? I’ve done a lot of day-drinking because California sober is now a thing. I’ve done some mind-expanding drugs to broaden my horizons and gain new perspectives. I’ve taken the phone off the hook and stopped answering calls from my family because I’m fine! You know? I’m fine. Totally fine. And they’re just a bunch of worry-warts. I’m writing an experimental one-man show from the perspective of a person in the audience watching a one-woman show. It’s kind of meta, you know? And I’ve been getting into robust debates a lot on social media where I’ve called like, a jillion people racist for disagreeing with me. Just to get some human interaction. And I’m putting in the work so next year won’t be a train wreck, although I have almost no reason to believe that it won’t, but there you go. So it’s good. It’s all good. I’m good. Totally good.”
“Wow, so you’re just leaning into most of the clichés there.”
“I’m sorry what was that?”
“You smell like week-old un-showered butt and three-meal a day Hot Pockets consumption. You don’t have any guns in the house, do you? I do see more than one cat. That’s not a good sign. Well, you have fun with all this. I’m sure we won’t be hearing from you.” (whispers to cameraman) “Get out, while he’s in the bathroom. Go go go go go go go go go!”
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Statuette image taken from:
https://www.123rf.com/photo_100337747_oscar-statuette-isolated.html
