Lip Service enjoying early retirement; having been paid so much
Human interest stories. Puff pieces. Flattering bios. Call them what you want. We here at Thirsty for Clicks aren’t above creating them when the mood takes us, the time is right, and the news is slow. Today we’re profiling the fabulously wealthy Lip Service. We sat down in his fabulous mansion, ate his fabulous homemade cuisine (cooked by his fabulous personal dietician/chef), and took a fabulously peaceful dump in his fabulous toilet. Think Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous sans-the nasally Brit, or MTV’s Cribs without the obnoxious fast-forward shots.
“How are you today, Mr. Service?”
“Awesome! I just fed a gold-plated puppy to one of my diamond-incrusted sharks. I can’t think of a better way to pass a Tuesday morning.”
“You burst onto the scene a few years ago after entering the socioeconomic class officially defined as ‘Stinking Rich’.”
“It’s actually ‘Stinkin’ Rich’ with the apostrophe.”
“Sorry, Stinkin’ Rich. How did you pull it off?”
“Well, it all started in the final days of Ronald Reagan’s presidency. You see, there’s a dying breed among politicians. I call them—what’s that word?—oh yeah, honest. Certainly there’s always been dishonest ones, but up until this postmodern age of ever-increasing shades of moral gray, they were in the minority. But it’s long since passed that politics was a principled man’s pursuit, and that’s been great for me.”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, I’ll tell you if you’d stop interr—”
“So sorry.”
(frustrated sigh) “Whenever a republican talks about unifying the country and politics after running a brazenly nasty, mudslinging, wham-dinger of a campaign, I get paid. Whenever a democrat panders to minorities (most often black people), telling them they are here for and care about them, I get paid. Whenever a president makes secret, underhanded deals to corporate muckety-mucks and talks about expanding the middle class or preserving the natural beauty of our wildernesses, I get paid. Whenever the majority party in the Senate talks about compromise but presses their advantage to push through a radical agenda, I get paid. Whenever a president vows to protect the 1st amendment but uses his position to bully his critics in the media and religious organizations, I get paid. Whenever a party pontificates about deficits and fiscal responsibility when it’s not their guy in power and runs up massive debts when their guy sits on the throne, I get paid. I’m like hidden surcharge on a credit card transaction. You don’t see the transaction, but it’s happening all the time, you never think about it, and are subconsciously fine with it happening.”
“I get it. You must be very proud of your work.”
“I’m not proud at all. What I do is despicable, but I swim in a special pool full of every known world currency—I keep it one hunned and roll Scrooge McDuck style—so I don’t have to reflect on my morals all that often.”
“Well, your peninsula and mansion are really something.”
“It’s actually an island. I’ve got so much money, I am constantly developing, and that sliver of land you came across was excavated out right after you arrived. A helicopter will take you home. Take your pick of whichever one except the blue. It’s about to be dropped off at the shop to be retrofitted with a Butterfly Effect Machine.”
“What’s your next project?”
“Well, I’m digging out a decent-sized lake in the center of the island and importing volcanic earth to create an island-within-an-island effect, and my personal bedroom will be on that inner island, so I’ll really be an island unto myself, to the third power. I’m rather fond of meta-topography.”
“What advice would you give to a young investor just getting in the game?”
“Invest in Hollow Rhetoric and Empty Platitudes. They’re new—last twenty years or so—but on the rise. They’re both headquartered in the Caimans for tax purposes but do their best work in Washington D.C. They’ve got a real Silicon Valley vibe going in their home offices. Great guys, too. Horrible at human golf, but you know. Pobody’s nerfect!” (chuckles)
“Human golf?”
“I’ve said too much. We’re in international waters, mind you. I answer to no one out here. Stay in your lane.”
(nervously) “My feet are firmly planted. I’ve finished my asking questions. May I be done with the interview now?”
“Kiss the ring, then you may be excused.”
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Politician image taken from:
https://indianexpress.com/article/world/donald-trump-refuses-to-accept-joe-bidens-win-as-transition-proceeds-7068538/
