The land of Narnia should host the MLB All Star Game
Here we go folks. Red states are too stupid and backwards to host a major sporting event. Everyone who’s anyone knows voter ID laws are racist because black people don’t have internet access and aren’t able to find their way to the DMV. That’s not a racist thing to say because Democrats say it. If major sports leagues are meant to be anything at all, it’s virtue-signaling entities who use their financial sway to influence politics. That’s obviously a no-brainer (no offense meant to people who have no brains).
One is compelled to find a place as bland and inoffensive as a rice cake having a conversation about traffic patterns with a stapler. They’ve since moved to Colorado, but that won’t cut the proverbial mustard, as their law on voting ID is more stringent than that peachy place where your favorite FX and AMC television shows used to be filmed. We (the royal “We” (no offense meant to those who don’t come from royalty)) here at Thirsty for Clicks are nothing but good ideas and have landed on Narnia as the perfect destination.
Yes, it’ll take some doing to get there from the various spots on earth where magic is stronger, but hey, any great thing we absolutely can’t live without (a meaningless game, skills competitions, and weekend off for mediocre players certainly fits that description) is worth a little extra effort. Players who are enthusiastically lauded and handsomely remunerated for not failing 30% of the time should know a little something about extra effort. Just remember fellas, you’re more likely to find Narnia when you aren’t looking for it. Keep about your business of chewing, spitting, standing around, and injecting performance enhancing substances into your buttocks.
This destination checks off many of the sacred progressive agenda cows.
Diversity and anti-racism-There are all sorts of sentient beings who have their own influence, lands, wealth, and power. Most of them are talking animals and wouldn’t reinforce the intolerant, oppressive, binary understanding of gender and sexuality.
It’s safe to assume many of them normalize sex work and the worker industry. Players could have a good time without feelings of guilt or remorse because rules of adultery don’t apply to inter-dimensional travel.
Rejection of the patriarchy-There are two male kings and two female queens. One presumes the females get paid the same wage to do the same job and would be open to the idea of LGBTQWERTYKILROYWASHERE representation.
Exposal of Caucasian oppression-The first and greatest villain is a pasty melanin-deficient witch with “white” in her name who made it snow and enslaved minorities for hundreds of years. Their crushing of white supremacy was tailor-made for social justice activism!
Intersectionality-In the battle at the end of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, historically oppressed peoples banded together to rid their land of an evil white potentate…and replaced her with four white potentates. Problematic, yes, but these things take time.
Returning of ancient land to displaced peoples-The colonizers were sent back to earth at the end of Prince Caspian. We call this in the biz a win-win.
Heroes work on their implicit bias and decide do better-Minotaurs are allowed to join the good guys in the second book even though the heroes don’t initially trust them.
Time works differently-Major League players who identify as trans-age could travel there, return, and remain young without having to bring HGH or steroids into the mix.
Free and accessible universal healthcare-Aslan and Lucy heal everyone still living after the battles, and they do it free of despicable late-stage capitalist practices which would charge an exorbitant fee for what all decent people understand is a basic human right.
Workers control the means of production-Dwarves are free to make weapons and armor for whomever without answering to management or corporate overlords.
Freedom from religion-In The Last Battle, atheist creatures are given the choice to remain firm in their pro-science beliefs without having Christianity shoved down their throats.
Strong female role models-We can’t think of a better example who passes Bechdel Test than Susan, who is beautiful but knows it’s her skill with a bow that gives her value, and who as an adult queen in The Horse and His Boy rejects every suitor who comes calling because she won’t define herself through the lens of being an object to be won by a man.
Somebody get to finding that pesky wardrobe, those magic rings, or that powerful lion (provided he’s been properly and responsibly neutered, of course) and we’ll work on drawing up the contracts. Is baseball still a distant third in TV ratings behind basketball and football? High King Peter can work with that.
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Baseball photo taken from:
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/04/05/sports/baseball/all-star-game-colorado.html
