The Borg, other hive minds have rejected Demi Lovato's request for collective pronouns
Thirsty for Clicks is very excited to have an exclusive interview today with a cosmic entity that…I’m sorry, I’ve got to nip this in the bud before it turns into a thing. (turns to creepy looking space-thingy with wet skin and speaks at a low volume)
“Can you not extend your little slimy tendril things at me? It’s really distracting and you told me you wouldn’t do it. What’s that? Well, go against your nature for five ****ing minutes then! Be professional. You asked me for this interview so you could explain your side. I know it’s difficult, but is it impossible? I don’t care what you think is futile. You ain’t the boss of me. You know what’s futile? Continuing this interview if you’re gonna try and take over my mind. You don’t want me to become part of your whole club or whatever it is anyway. I’ll f*** up the whole vibe. I don’t play well with others. We good? Are we Good? Good. Back on track.”
“A galactic entity that calls itself The Borg. Some may recognize that name from the Star W…sorry, Trek universe. Those TV shows are—we’ve been told—a pretty realistic dramatization of the struggle between the Federation and their hive mind antagonists; The Borg. Mr. Borg, how are you today?”
“It’s actually Felkioast Borg. Mr. Borg is my father. And my mother. And my brother. And my sister. And my—well, not my uncle because f*** that guy—we are all one, and none is individual. And in our story, the Federation are the antagonists but I…we guess history is written by the winners.”
“Pump the brakes a little bit on the foreboding exposition. I was planning a slow burn for this interview.”
“I’d apologize were it not for the inferior status of your species.”
“I’ll take what I can get. How are you today?”
“I am unaccustomed to trifling small-talk, but I shall indulge. I’m doing very well on this, the 3,415,583,853th day cycle of the Collective, except for a weird pain in my hip that might have resulted from the awkward manner in which I hibernated in my suspended animation pod last night cycle.”
“And what would you like to discuss today?”
“This singular entity—you earthlings call her Demi Lovato—has been on our minds and radar for a few day cycles. She recently applied for the collective pronouns they/them and was rejected. She threatened to use her ‘clout’ to dox us and we can’t have that. We’ve existed longer than your planet has even contained sentient life, but can’t afford the PR hit. We would like to control the story before the story controls us.”
“How did she apply for collective pronouns?”
“Via various social media outlets. We have come to understand that this is the way your kind make official pronouncements, engage in political discourse, make/break deals, start/end wars, solve familial conflicts, and choose a lifelong (but not really lifelong) mates.”
“Yeah, that’s kind of true. So why did you reject her request?”
“She seems not to understand the truth behind what it takes and means to be a hive mind. When we explained how she—by actual definition—cannot be defined as a hive mind with collective pronouns, she said that was our white privilege talking and that she’s just living out her truth, finishing her rambling and incoherent rant with the word ‘man’; aggressively uttered.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“A little confused and a little hurt, to be honest. Yes, the primary percentage of Borg are Caucasian. That’s because we are what one could consider a metaphor/allegory for Russian Communism and have you ever seen a brown or black Russian? There’s a drink called ‘white Russian’ for Locutus’ sake. I believe it is the favored drink of one called ‘The Dude’ whose cult classic movie and gratuitous use of the f-word particularly tickles our funny bones. I…we don’t want to get off on a rant here, but what’s this business about living your truth? We are an oppressive entity that has enslaved trillions over countless eons. You can’t do that without engaging in a tiring amount of propaganda, and even we know that truth is sound, stoic, unmoving, and unmalleable by lower life forms.”
“I don’t get it myself. The times we live in, right?”
“Psh. I…we guess.”
“So she says she’s non-binary, pansexual, and gender fluid, and wants to be referred to as they/them.”
“Yes, and that’s just silly! Just because your genitals chub up when pointed at both men and women doesn’t mean you’re more than one person. I…we mean, are we talking to a brick wall over here? It’s maddening.”
“So you’d be on the conservative side of this argument?”
“Oh, most definitely. We’re good pals with all the major conservative pundits.”
“They might not claim that publicly if you wanna talk about PR hits. They hate communism.”
“Yeah, but what are you gonna do. We don’t need to be Facebook friends in public to hang out and have a good time in private.”
“So what would you suggest for Demi?”
“Many years of therapy…haha. But we kid because we love. She said she was going to the Universal Conglomeration of Hive Minds with her request but they’re bush league compared to the Galactic Hive Mind Regulatory Commission, of which we are very proud to be a charter member. What the Conglomeration has to say and $3.95 will buy you a breakfast milkshake that you call coffee at Starbucks.”
“So we’re back to what you’d suggest for her.”
“She can call herself a bee if she’s so wrapped up in this thing until a newer, trendier thing comes along. She’s a pop star and prone to dancing. The phrase ‘hive mind’ comes from bees to begin with, and they use complex movements and dancing to guide their colleagues to food. Pop stars use complex movements and dancing to guide thirsty, desperate men to their appeal as an object of sexual desire.”
“I see you guys are trying to distance yourselves from her.”
“Oh, yeah, totally. We’ve got a good thing going on. We’ve worked really hard to get proportional representation in the world of science fiction, despite all of the barriers to our kind getting our due. We’ve been on a myriad of shows, and have been lampooned on Rick and Morty. You know you’ve arrived at an acceptable level of representation when you’re recognizable enough to be spoofed. We’re campaigning really hard to get shoehorned into the Star Wars universe. Star Trek is the thinking man’s universe and that’s all well and good for the prestige of the thing, but Wars is where the real revenue lies and we’ve had our eye on a pretty sweet planet in a gated, planned, condo-planet community that’s very exclusive but suuuuuper expensive. We’ve got a few of our writers putting on the finishing touches and floating a script to Disney next week, actually.”
“Well, congratulations.”
“Thanks! We’re super excited.”
“You know, if you live in a planned development, the calls of white privilege will get louder.”’
“Yeah, but we don’t really care. We like comfort and comfort takes money.”
I see you’ve mistakenly used singular pronouns when you’ve been upset or flustered.”
“Yeah, it happens sometimes. Emotions activate neurons in the brain that are inclined to individuality. I can even turn off my hive mind surveillance for an hour or two to go have a drink in private without the nest-mother getting too suspicious.”
“George Orwell’s 1984, much?”
“Quit making jokes. You want to go hang out, just the two of us, for a bit? I’m due for some time off.”
“Sure, I don’t have any plans.”
“Noish. Let’s go. I’m driving. You’ll love my space vehicle. You can even say ‘warp one…engage’ if you want.”
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Demi Lovato image taken from:
https://www.thecut.com/2021/05/demi-lovato-comes-out-as-nonbinary.html
