Young peoples' new drug of choice is getting run over by cars
LSD. Shrooms. Hard liquor. Huffing. Heroine. Bath salts. Watching Endgame three times in a row. Folks of the younger generation are always looking for new and inventive ways to alter their mood and perception of reality. Add vehicular blunt force trauma to the list.
We here at Thirsty for Clicks like to keep our fingers on the pulse of America’s youth because if there’s one thing that makes one who is on the wrong side of thirty feel better about one’s life choices, it’s watching, recording, and commenting on the stupid things kids are doing. Through intense journalistic rigor (a.k.a. late Saturday night pizza roll shame-consumption and marathon YouTube sessions) we have figured out what the next big thing is.
It’s pretty clever, actually, as the riots which have plagued our can’t-seem-to-get-peace-and-quiet-right country over the last few years are just a front, much like a sweaty, obese old man in a Hawaiian shirt running a cash-based business is a front for a glamorous and flamboyant cocaine cartel. Being short of jobs, money, life skills, physical attractiveness, and willing sexual partners, many of the young, discouraged, and depressed men and women of this generation are turning to the hardcore drug of road pizza impersonation. We’ve even spotted a pattern and reduced it down to a not-exactly-twelve-steps program.
Step one: Be short and dumpy with a noticeable lack of physical fitness paired with a negative outlook on life.
Step two: Finish your mediocre college education ready to not step into a lucrative career because you chose to major in something that has no market value besides turning around and teaching it in college. Being $100K + in debt is the Bacon Bits to this melancholy salad.
Step three: Vilify the rich for being rich and use your social media to say they shouldn’t be rich anymore and they should be forced to use their riches to pay your mounting student loan debt.
Step four: Condemn all forms of racism and broad-brush painting of groups of people while simultaneously being super racist to white people and painting them with a broad brush (this works even if you’re white because you can then feel morally superior to other white people).
Step five: Join an anti-fascist organization and vehemently deny that they are organized or are an organization in anyway despite the fact that they have a name, meet in the same place, dress the same, do and say the same things, and have all the trappings of being organized in their ways and means.
Step six: Orga…coordinate with Black Lives Matter to hold a protest that completely ignores the “peaceful assembly” part of the first amendment. Crush fascism with fascist techniques like shouting down dissent and destroying private property.
Step seven: Bravely cover your face to conceal your identity (thereby escaping any legal consequences when things inevitably go south) and call unmasked counter-protestors you run into cowards. Other insults are admissible and encouraged. The more juvenile and vulgar, the better.
Step eight: Engage in the normal shenanigans as the evening and groupthink take you. Graffiti, shouting down conservatives, Molotov cocktails, bricks thrown at shop windows, and screeching “racist murderers” at police officers are just appetizers for the main course.
Step nine: Block traffic using whatever illogical internal rationalization you can contrive and keep people who actually have jobs, families, and purpose in society from achieving their commuting objective at the moment.
Step ten: Wait for an impatient motorist to single out your or one of your friends. If one of your friends, pull out your phone and start recording in an oblivious and vain attempt at playing the victim.
Step eleven: Start shouting violent death threats at said motorist and bashing in his windows, then scream in shock and amazement when they take your threats seriously, decide to get out of Dodge, and run you/your friend over.
Step twelve: Try to take the brunt of the attack in the hip and back. Those are the sturdiest parts of your less-than-sturdy body. A last-second jump-and-roll on the hood and windshield of the car is highly advisable to getting caught underneath it. That’s for only the hardest of the hardcore Car Combatants (trademark pending). Human pretzel is an apt metaphor in the latter situation.
Step thirteen: Enjoy the sweet emotional and mental release blunt force trauma to the brain introduces into your life. What you’re going for here is permanent nerve damage and loss of long-term memory capabilities. You’ll need them for the hip and joint replacement your older self will desperately need but not be able to pay for because you chose some variation of fast food/retail as a career and those jobs tend not to pay health benefits.
Step fourteen: Affect an air of surprise when a motorist who was legitimately afraid for their safety and life has no criminal charges filed against them.
Step fifteen: Continue to vilify the rich and republicans for not funding your mounting medical procedure debts and pain medication dependency.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://www.tampabay.com/news/2020/07/25/tampa-bay-drivers-have-run-into-protesters-why-havent-they-been-arrested/
