We should start a Karen dating service
A few weeks ago I met a woman who told me she makes money as a mistress. I asked “Is that like a madam? Like, do you run a brothel?” After reminding me that no, we hadn’t just time-warped to 1878, she wasn’t wearing a dress that gaudily pushed her bosoms up and out in an intrusive manner, there wasn’t a plucky musician playing a jaunty tune on a player piano, and that a sunbaked ruffian wasn’t about to skin his pistols over a disagreement in cards, she explained the term “mistress”. That is, men pay her for the privilege of cleaning her house and performing other chores while she bosses them around and occasionally berates them. Think the Disney version of a dominatrix. My initial reaction was “All the blood, sweat, and backhands that went into building the patriarchy, and now these chumps are paying to demolish it?” but I kept that thought behind my eyes because saying it out loud or putting it into print form would get me canceled, or worse.
But it got me thinking, because I’m a human and we tend to think about things that happen. This lady makes money putting men down. Karens do it on a merely amateur basis. There must be some reward for a Karen beyond remuneration. I say we folks with all the ideas monetize what Karens do merely for pleasure. I say we advertise and round up all these dudes whose kink is to be knocked down a peg or three and offer them the chance to have this done on the reg without having to pay. For you see, the Karens would be the ones paying.
Clearly, to be a Karen, you’ve got to have severely bungled your romantic life. No one heads out into public that chronically angry if their men at some point didn’t get tired of being told what’s wrong with them all the time. Or woman, for that matter. I imagine there are lesbian Karens. Can you imagine if two lesbian Karens got together? It'd probably start a fire. Make it a thruple of Karens and the earth’s sun would have some competition. So by dint of being an insufferable human being, they’d have to pay for the chance to shout down a man who actually would enjoy it. The dude gets a cut, as does the service that brought these weirdoes together. The guy saves and makes a little money and professional mistresses have to stop co-opting that word and give it back to secretaries and assistants who sleep with their bosses. I see wins all around.
Plus, we could include in the service those buddies of yours who have incredibly low sexual standards. You know the type. They’d rather have a high percentage with fours than occasionally land a ten. They’d rather put the ball in play and leg it to first than hit for power. They fall on “grenades” and “take one for the team” so often you wonder if they’re not really into it. They don’t have to imbibe all that much alcohol to bed a human pear. Granny arm-flap doesn’t turn them off. They catalog their escapades with day-after stories of the freaky-deaky variety in painstaking detail. They have a rakish laugh that’s kind of gross and off-putting. You would say they’re good in small doses but they’re not even good in small doses. You’ve stopped hanging out with them more than once a year, and even that’s a chore. Your relationship with them isn’t what it was in high school. You’re actually kind of sad for them and wish they’d get their stuff together. You’re having kids and settling down and they rib you about being tied down and make that cliched whip-cracking noise when your wife calls while you’re out but you can sense a tangible sadness in their teasing. That type. Those guys should be part of this whole gross thing as well. I’m getting kind of nauseous writing this article but imma power through it.
Here are some more ideas to solve our Karen problem:
An Amazing Race-esque program where Karens are in a desperate frenzy to be the first one to speak to the manager
A solemn roundtable summit where white Karens are given the tools to cope with black people being out in public and existing, black Karens are shown how pointless and counterproductive it is to start a brawl in McDonalds, Latino Karens put in the work of watching videos every morning which show how poorly getting in a grown man’s face typically ends, and Asian Karens have their eyes opened to the truth that their kids can be professionally successful without being doctors.
An “I’m recording you” addiction recovery program where they have to swap their smartphone for a late 90’s phone that only dials phone numbers and are given their smartphone back on a probationary basis upon completion of the program with the understanding that it’s an early 90’s/late 80’s car phone if they relapse.
An outreach program that hands out noise-canceling headgear to Karens whose neighbors play their rock-and-roll “a little loud”.
An even better funded outreach program that hands out noise-canceling headphones with Bluetooth capability so Karens whose neighbors play their rock-and-roll “a little loud” can jam to their favorite Sara McLaughlin and other artists who performed at Lilith Fair playlists.
A perspective-enhancing program in which an invited dinner guest in the house of a Karen sends food back for petty and trifling reasons.
Mandatory car mechanic classes for teenagers who show early warning signs of blossoming Karenhood so the next generation of black thumbs everywhere can turn wrenches in relative peace.
A volunteer program that paints “No one cares if your boyfriend is on his way and you CANNOT save this space for yourself by standing in it.” in parking lots
Daily homework as a condition of continued employment for which a Karen has to say five nice things about a different coworker every day
Solar system replica science project for which voting rights will be suspended if Karens can’t resist the urge to place a figurine of themselves at the center of the universe.
Hey there, beloved reader! Don’t stop reading yet. I enjoy writing and creating content for you, but I don’t get paid to do it just yet. Recently, I took on the Herculean task of fixing America and wrote a book on the subject; the very literal-titled “I’ll Fix America Tonight”. There is a a link where you can conveniently add the book to your Amazon cart (if you’re flush with about $20 in cash right now) or your wish list (if around $20 in cash is a little too much right now, but hypothetically not too much in the near future). Buy it, and help end poverty (namely my poverty). Thanks for reading!
Image taken from:
https://heavy.com/news/2018/05/jennifer-schulte-bbq-becky/